Mean with money

alwaysskint96

Person_one wrote: »

Me too.

The percentage approach isn't terrible, but if there's a huge disparity in income (say one partner earning 75K and one earning 14K) then one still ends up with an awful lot more 'spends' than the other.

I believe that a couple who are truly committed and in it for the long term don't have vastly different lifestyles/scope for luxuries etc.

So whats the point in working hard and progressing through your career if you dont benefit from it

BitterAndTwisted

Well, if you want to be the only one enjoying all that money, there is an answer: stay single and goat over it on your own. Most normal, totally committed couples would want to see both parties benefit from that much of a disparity in incomes. One wouldn't want to have so much disposable spendies and the other partner have little. Where's the partnership in that?

Treevo

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Well, if you want to be the only one enjoying all that money, there is an answer: stay single and goat over it on your own. Most normal, totally committed couples would want to see both parties benefit from that much of a disparity in incomes. One wouldn't want to have so much disposable spendies and the other partner have little. Where's the partnership in that?

I think most normal couples make the distinction between being married and not.

I think people are getting very carried away by the OP paying a little bit more (and it is a little given she only earned £150 more than him - note: earned and not spent) early on in the relationship.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

ruby-roo wrote: »

Why would the OP not want to try and make it work. She has invested 6 years with this guy. By talking things through with him and being honest and open they may be able to resolve their differences and move forward positively. Is that really such a bad idea?

They may do. But she would know that before posting surely? It's a bit text book don't you think? It could be that she has wasted 6 years and now seen his true colours.

Going4TheDream

However nice you think he is he is taking advantage. NO if's but's or maybe's.

What kind of man earns substantially more than their partner and sits back and watches as the partner gets a 2nd job to be able to pay their share of the bills? that is what flat sharers and friends do not people in a so called committed relationship

Call his bluff tell him you are giving up the 2nd job and tell him that he needs to increase his share proportionately

His answers will tell you all you need to know about whether he is the man you want to spend your life with and be the father of your children.

Life is too short to waste on wasters and users

pineapple123

Married and with children. We have seperate finances He pays for certain things I pay for others ie he pays for water bills I pay for gas, split food bills etc. if we had pooled our money we would probably be divorced.

jetplane

I agree with the posters who have the big conversation about money, it is such a fundamental part of a relationship that is often not discussed. OP have you ever talked about money, household chores, babies, life goals etc? Communication is another biggie in relationships, is this criticism a new trait?

Your partner may believe that he has worked for his rewards, but he is not a single man, and attitudes towards money are hard to change. I would want a partner who would share his success rather than throw me the odd treat. OP you need to sit down and discuss your finances as you would any other major issue or change. In six years you must have faced changes, were these discussed or decided by one of you?

Whenever there is a shift or change in our lives me and my husband talk about it beforehand, those times have included anything from having family to stay, to one of us giving up, or returning, to work for study or children. Other stuff we discuss as it happens.

Many tears ago when asking to be married in church our vicar insisted we attended 3 counselling sessions with him where we discussed our attitudes to gender roles, communication, loyalty, children, finances, illness, religion, moral values and sex. We were mortified at the time, he said he would not marry us if he thought we were incompatible, we thought of him as a bit weird :eek:

Purleygirl

OP, this sounds horrible for you because it is humiliating to have to explain why you need to buy this or that or spoil yourself with a new pair of jeans. Your choice is very simple, you have to mend it or end it. The only way forward is to have a serious talk about this, because unless you do his control over money will only be amplified over the years, it's a pattern of behaviour that has to be nipped in the bud. He probably doesn't realise how you feel about the situation. Sit him down, not with booze though, calmly and comfortably and explain exactly how he makes you feel, how humiliating it is for you, how hurt you are that he has such control over the finances and how demeaning it is to be questioned over a pair of jeans. Partnership is about sharing and that also means money, it should be "our" money. Talk about it, the finances, the housework..... Try and sort it and make him see how his control and mean spirited behaviour is destroying you. I hope you can make him see because if you don't it will only get worse. I wish you all the luck..

duchy

What point in life are his/your joint friends at ?

Are they like you co-habiting or married.....or still single and living at home or in flat shares or alone ?

If all of his friends/the couples you mix with socially do it "his way" (or he assumes they do) that might account for his attitude- I think he just needs to be woken up to what is normal and then work out if his normal and yours meet anywhere close.

JimmyTheWig

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I am guessing that the nagging about what you spend your money on is a response to your 'I need to earn more money hence the second job ' where he sees it as' if you didn't spend money you didn't need to, then you would have more money and wouldn't need a second job'.

I was going to bring up this point.
With the second job, I presume that both of you feel you don't see as much of each other as you would like to.
By then spending money on, say, a pair of jeans you are saying that you value the pair of jeans more than you value your time with him.
As you only had a single pair of jeans with holes in then I think it is valid to say that you valued a new pair of jeans more than you valued your time with him. But if, for example, you spent £75 on a pair of jeans then I think it is right for him to be miffed at this.

While you don't have a joint budget of money you do, in effect, have a joint budget of time spent together. Money you spend means more hours you need to work to pay for it and less time you are together. So from that point of view I think he does have a right to ask you about it.
How would you feel if he took a second job (and so didn't do so much around the house and meant you didn't see him so often) and then spent the money on stuff that you thought wasn't necessary?

You need to work out, together, how to deal with your finances fairly. And he needs to work out, for himself, whether he values your time together over the money he spends on himself.