Mean with money

picklekin

I can't imagine having to justify buying a new pair to my husband, married or not.. We pooled out finances when we moved in together (not married) I was out of work for a while and felt like it was "his" money but he kept telling me it was ours and to spend what I liked (within reason!!). We have separate ISAs but its all in a big spread sheet and we discuss any large purchases.. Not that we HAVE to, but because we enjoy each others input on what we buy.

My sister however would freak at the idea of a joint account, he partner spend like there is no tomorrow on all kinds of tat and she just can't trust him with the "big stuff" so he transfers money to her a month and she pays all the bills/mortgage.

Its horses for courses but it has to work for YOU, and it really doesn't sound like it IS currently.

StuC75

Context here is essentiall - the OP states she was "briefly" earning £150 a month more than him - wasnt paying his way through university for him.. where does that extend to a lifetime of gratitude in return? (a Tongue in Cheek remark so not to be flamed at!).

Affordability can also be mistaken for expectations here with regards to what there scale of earnings are here. Would the OP wish to live somewhere cheaper where 50.50 is better- what scale of earnings are we seeing with being in london? A £240 (£120 each) rise in rent is significant, what is this as a %

Cant help but feel there is more of a back story to this? is there much in the way of other debts that either of them are carrying? Large Credit Cards? Car financing etc - why is the OP living within a Budget? (meaning is there debts being addressed - does the partner know all about these?).

Pixiechic wrote: »

That is my idea of hell.

So, she helped to support him in his studies which has enabled him to increase his earning potential and be more well off than the OP. The OP finds that she is struggling financially so she takes a second job.

Then the OH is annoyed because she is doing less housework and not spending enough time with him. Then begrudges her a new pair of jeans!!!! I wouldn't be spending too much time with him either!

Personally, I couldn't live like that. Sounds like he wants it all his way. She earns her own money and can do as she wants with it, OH seems to have that freedom.

If he was that concerned about it, he would take a bit more time to look at fairer ways for them to split expenses. I think that team work goes a very long way in a relationship and not very far without it.

Mojisola

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

You need to work out, together, how to deal with your finances fairly. And he needs to work out, for himself, whether he values your time together over the money he spends on himself.

I agree with this part of your post. It sounds as if there isn't enough talking going on.

niki23 - when he got his job, why didn't you both talk through how the extra money coming into the house would affect who pays what?

When you found yourself struggling, why did you get a second job instead of saying to him - I can't manage paying as much as I am into the house?

When you took on the second job, why didn't he ask why needed to do that?

Talk, talk and talk - look at the figures and, if he still wants to think of his money as his, only you can decide if you want to stay with him.

kjmtidea

You've been together for 6 years but you talk like you are flat mates, the rent has gone up so you need to get another job to pay 'your share'. It seems crazy and I couldn't live like that.

I've been with my other half for 13 years and we don't have a joint bank account, I pay for some bills, he pays for others, I pay the rent, he pays the food shopping. As long as it is paid for then we don't really care who is paying for it, if one of us is poor then the other will pay - it's really not a big deal.

Money has never been as issue for us (well apart from lack of it!) if we want to buy something then we will - as long as we can still pay for all the necessities then what's the problem? Life is too short!

JimmyTheWig

paulineb wrote: »

The issue is, that he insists on paying for bills in a 50 50 split even though he earns significantly more than her. If it was shared 60 40 or 70 30, she wouldnt need to take on the second job and be away from the home, because she would manage on the money she had.

I agree, and said that "I don't think that they've got their money sorted properly".

And if the backside was falling out of my jeans, Id buy a new pair, people need clothes.

Absolutely. I've agreed that this sounded like a fair purchase. We are discussing whether asking if it was a fair purchase was a fair question. The fact that you are commenting on the fact that it was a fair purchase suggests that you agree that it was a fair question.

The agreed share of the bills is suiting him much more than its suiting her.

I agree, and said that "I don't think that they've got their money sorted properly".

JimmyTheWig

DeeDee74 wrote: »

Wow seriously what planet re you on when she has to justifiers buying a pair of jeans to oh.??
Simple she has a second job to help pay her half of the bills cause her oh wont pay a fairer share .

I agree, and said that "I don't think that they've got their money sorted properly".

Now its wrong cause shes bought a pair of jeans and spent less time with her oh or home doing her share of the house work!!!!

No, I don't think it is wrong that she bought the jeans because she needed them. But I do understand that he would have been miffed if she'd had bought unnecessary stuff whilst saying she has to spend their together time working to pay for it. So I think it is reasonable to question whether the purchase was justified or not.

JimmyTheWig

Going4TheDream wrote: »

Are you for real?

He is sitting on £10K a year more than the OP - clearly he values 'his' money more than spending time with his GF, or he would be paying a fair proportion to the bills based on his income and they would both have more time to spend together as he OP wouldnt need a second job.

I agree, and said that "I don't think that they've got their money sorted properly".

The OP is in a quandry over the situation - the last thing they need is to be put on a guilt trip because they bought a much needed pair of jeans or that they are 'stealing' time away from their partner by having a much needed second job

And you don't think that maybe seeing it how he sees it would help her in that quandry?
She's said that he's a good guy. Why don't we believe her about that and help her address where he is wrong? We can only do that by understanding what he might have been thinking.

Treevo

I'd like to point out that in another thread the OP's boyfriend was supporting her while he was still a student. Puts a different spin on this whole 'you supported him and he never helps you' rant that some posters are on.

niki23 wrote: »

I am in a situation to do with this, although I am the non-student.

My boyfriend and I share a room and decided that instead of finding our own place we would continue to flat share to save some money (particularly as I have just graduated so have a big overdraft and nothing to my name).

When we started to look for people to share the house the 2 people we liked the most were post-grad students (unfortunately at our age the majority of applicants were students still!), I am the only one working so I said that I would pay the majority if they could help me out by giving me £20 a month towards this (I would still be paying over 50%). My boyfriend and one of the students are doing pHDs and are on good money so were happy to pay.

The forth person is doing an MBA borrowing money off his parents to do so for a year, so is a poorer student.
I made it very clear about the council tax situation before he moved in. Additionally he had the choice of two rooms a bigger one going for £340 and a smaller one going for £320, we even said if he took the smaller room we would reduce it by another £15 to £305 (and put up the bigger room), but he chose to take the bigger room.

He has now turned around and said after signing the contract that he can't afford the council tax. I feel this is really quite a selfish attitue, he should have taken the smaller room and saved himself £35 a month, or not drink quite so many pints when we go to the pub, 4 pints would pay for £10 towards the tax. It is only £20, but it is the priciple; if I agreed to something, even verbally I would keep my word.
He should have found a house where he didn't have to pay and we could have found someone else willing to pay. We turned down one other student because they said they did not want to pay towards it.

I am now not sure what to do, whether I should ask the other 2 to split it with me, or just pay it myself.

I sometimes think that the student rate shouldn't apply to pHD students anyway, my boyfriend earns the equivalent of a 22k job and the other pHD student earns the equivalent of a 27K job!!! They both earn more than me a month, yet I still felt guilty about asking them to help me out!

DeeDee74

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I agree, and said that "I don't think that they've got their money sorted properly".


No, I don't think it is wrong that she bought the jeans because she needed them. But I do understand that he would have been miffed if she'd had bought unnecessary stuff whilst saying she has to spend their together time working to pay for it. So I think it is reasonable to question whether the purchase was justified or not.

Most tragic when u have to justify buying your self clothes u need to your oh cause u have less time spent home doing your share of the house work..
Sounds more like a house share than a relationship .. very sad u think buy jeans is unjustified or might be unjustified this is not 1000 bag or pair shoes as far as op has said..

pulliptears

I can't imagine ever having that conversation with my OH. From the day we moved in together everything has gone to a joint account. He's always earned more than me because I've only worked part time between child raising etc but we are an equal partnership.

My son has just moved in with his GF and the first thing they did was open a joint account for their wages to be paid into and the bills to come out of. They impressed me really, DS works part time and only earns about £8k a year and starts his final Uni year in September, his GF earns £18k but is more than happy to support him through and pool what they have.