Mean with money

suburbanwifey

niki23 wrote: »

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years and have lived together for 5 of those years in London. When we first lived together he was a student and I paid a little more for food and other things (I had about £150 more than him a month at this time), however in the last year he got a job and is now earning 10k more than me.

Since he got this job however we have split everything 50:50, with him "treating" me occasionally to a meal out (maybe once in 2 months). My pay has risen under inflation for the last five years and our rent has just been put up by £120 each and I feel that I am struggling to cope. We have talked about this and he knows I am currently living with a budget but I have not asked him for help.

Because of this I have taken on a second job recently, which is an intensive one but only a month long but rather than commend and support me in doing so he has moaned about me not helping out in the house after my 12 hour stint of "day" job and extra job (he does do a lot of housework himself to his merit) and that he doesn't see me. Now that job is finished I am going to start doing tutoring, which will be much less frequent but he is also moaning about that.

I resent this because he earns so much more than me but doesn't think that he should help me out more and then has the cheek to have a go at me for trying to make ends meet! I mentioned this last time we had a row about my extra work and he basically thinks that he has "earnt" his extra money so why should he pay extra? If he wants to feel that way that is fine but I feel that he should accept the fact that I need to do extra work in this case to make up my shortfall and he will have to put up with seeing me a bit less.

What makes it worse is that despite the fact we don't share money he is always commenting on what I spend my money on. He doesn't see alcohol as a waste of money (when he's getting drunk at the pub) but commented recently on me buying some new jeans (my single old pair had holes in the crotch!!) and sports clothes (as if this is a luxury, I hate spending money on sports kit more than anything but I need it to stay healthy!). Incidentally I don't comment on his spending unless it impacts directly on me.

This makes me worried for the future as he does sometimes talk about marriage and has even mentioned me having time off for kids (no way!), but how can I do this if he is so tight with money? I will not spend a married life justifying why I need to spend £24 on getting a haircut every 4 months, especially if I have any time out not earning and am relying on him.

Sorry for the long rant, any advice?

To be perfectly honest I would leave him and would have left him years ago. Money issues such as you both have (his, not yours) break relationships irreparably. I am surprised you have had the good grace to stay with him. He's a lucky man, I know no one who would put up with this and why should you? If he wants to share your bed, your life and a home, why doesn't he want to share your money? and it should be 'your' money, not his and yours. Me and my man have shared every penny since the day we met, it doesn't matter who has earned it, its all ours. Your relationship is unbalanced and unhealthy, and to moan when you buy a new pair of jeans when you have holes in the pair you have and you have worked very hard for your money is not on at all. Its nothing to do with him is it? he wants everything separate and yet he wants to interfere in how you spend your money. I'm telling you now, don't marry this guy, divorce will be in your future if you do. Sorry for you x

JimmyTheWig

DeeDee74 wrote: »

Just to make things clear I dont agree at all!!!! She bought jeans she hasent took a second job to buy extravagant things shes entitled to buy what she wants she works 2 jobs is she wanted designer clothes shes working hard to pay them.
Id have no man tell me what I could or couldnt spend my money on I dont agree with your way of thinking at all....

I'll try one last time to explain what I'm saying. It may be that you disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm just surprised that people would disagree if it wasn't for the emotive language.

So lets imagine a different scenario.
Imagine that your partner said to you that he'd taken a second job. So he wouldn't be able to help as much around the house as he does now, and that he won't see you three evenings a week now because he'll be working. And the reason that he's taken this second job is because he wants to save up to buy a rare Pokemon card.
How would you feel?
Would you think that that's fine - that it's his time and money he's wasting on this rubbish?
Or would you feel quite hurt - that he's choosing a Pokemon card over spending time with you?

Joons

This thread is going on forever. It doesn't spell doom and gloom, divorce and misery, she just needs to have a frank chat with her OH, he may not even be aware, men are like that, they don't cotton on very well (hides under desk.....).

suburbanwifey

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I'll try one last time to explain what I'm saying. It may be that you disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm just surprised that people would disagree if it wasn't for the emotive language.

So lets imagine a different scenario.
Imagine that your partner said to you that he'd taken a second job. So he wouldn't be able to help as much around the house as he does now, and that he won't see you three evenings a week now because he'll be working. And the reason that he's taken this second job is because he wants to save up to buy a rare Pokemon card.
How would you feel?
Would you think that that's fine - that it's his time and money he's wasting on this rubbish?
Or would you feel quite hurt - that he's choosing a Pokemon card over spending time with you?

A girl needs jeans, a man doesn't need a Pokemon card.

Person_one

Joons wrote: »

This thread is going on forever. It doesn't spell doom and gloom, divorce and misery, she just needs to have a frank chat with her OH, he may not even be aware, men are like that, they don't cotton on very well (hides under desk.....).

How could he not be aware? Men don't get a get out of jail free card on being considerate because they have a Y chromosome!

My ex was similar actually. We paid 50/50 when we were earning similar amounts (actually he was on about £300 a month more than me but stupidly I thought he saw all savings as for the long term benefit of both of us).

When I lost my job, he was very resentful of upping his share even though I'd only be on basic JSA because of his income, and expected me to keep track of what my half would have been so I could pay him back when I was earning again! Unsurprisingly I left him before I even left the job.

Some people are fundamentally selfish. Its so ingrained that they aren't ever going to be capable of putting other people ahead of their own interests, no matter how much they might claim to love them. An unselfish, considerate partner would realise that they had a lot more disposable income than their other half and would want to rectify that. A selfish one will just enjoy their money and not worry too much about the other person's struggles.

I'm afraid it sounds like you're with the second type OP.

notanewuser

pulliptears wrote: »

Sorry, where did I mention mortgages? Or their ages for that matter! Or even how long they have been together?
They live together, their names are on all the bills, they have a partnership. So you propose all bills go in one name do you?
Fortunately they don't share your beliefs.

I've been married almost 10 years and apart from the mortgage nothing is in joint names.

My post was a warning to other people that its not always a good idea to merge finances early on. I hope your son and his GF stay together forever without a hint of financial strife. As someone else pointed out the odds are against it.

DeeDee74

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I'll try one last time to explain what I'm saying. It may be that you disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm just surprised that people would disagree if it wasn't for the emotive language.

So lets imagine a different scenario.
Imagine that your partner said to you that he'd taken a second job. So he wouldn't be able to help as much around the house as he does now, and that he won't see you three evenings a week now because he'll be working. And the reason that he's taken this second job is because he wants to save up to buy a rare Pokemon card.
How would you feel?
Would you think that that's fine - that it's his time and money he's wasting on this rubbish?
Or would you feel quite hurt - that he's choosing a Pokemon card over spending time with you?

I think I made it quiet clear I dont agree with your way of thinking.
She got a second job to be able to afford to live simple if her oh dosent like the fact he dosent see much of her since she know how2 jobs frankly I think thats tough...
Seems like hes more bothered she not home more to do the house work than anything else....
She hasent takena second job to buy extravagant things or save for some ridiculous pokemon card lmao
Maybe you think she should give up her second job and spend all her time with her bf who has lots of spare cash while shes broke just so she has quality time with him being the perfect gf, cleaner....

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

I've been married almost 10 years and apart from the mortgage nothing is in joint names.

My post was a warning to other people that its not always a good idea to merge finances early on. I hope your son and his GF stay together forever without a hint of financial strife. As someone else pointed out the odds are against it.

Joint finances don't mean you have to be connected for life. I've had a joint mortgage with another person, and joint accounts with two other people. My credit file is not associated with either of them anymore. There's never a perfect time to merge finances that guarantees nothing will go wrong, not even marriage!

Treevo

Person_one wrote: »

How could he not be aware? Men don't get a get out of jail free card on being considerate because they have a Y chromosome!

My ex was similar actually. We paid 50/50 when we were earning similar amounts (actually he was on about £300 a month more than me but stupidly I thought he saw all savings as for the long term benefit of both of us).

When I lost my job, he was very resentful of upping his share even though I'd only be on basic JSA because of his income, and expected me to keep track of what my half would have been so I could pay him back when I was earning again! Unsurprisingly I left him before I even left the job.

Some people are fundamentally selfish. Its so ingrained that they aren't ever going to be capable of putting other people ahead of their own interests, no matter how much they might claim to love them. An unselfish, considerate partner would realise that they had a lot more disposable income than their other half and would want to rectify that. A selfish one will just enjoy their money and not worry too much about the other person's struggles.

I'm afraid it sounds like you're with the second type OP.

Was the OP selfish when she expected her student boyfriend (and housemates) to pay her council tax?

It works both ways.

Person_one

Treevo wrote: »

Was the OP selfish when she expected her student boyfriend (and housemates) to pay her council tax?

It works both ways.

You're ignoring the fact that they were earning more than her despite their student status.