Mean with money

niki23

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years and have lived together for 5 of those years in London. When we first lived together he was a student and I paid a little more for food and other things (I had about £150 more than him a month at this time), however in the last year he got a job and is now earning 10k more than me.

Since he got this job however we have split everything 50:50, with him "treating" me occasionally to a meal out (maybe once in 2 months). My pay has risen under inflation for the last five years and our rent has just been put up by £120 each and I feel that I am struggling to cope. We have talked about this and he knows I am currently living with a budget but I have not asked him for help.

Because of this I have taken on a second job recently, which is an intensive one but only a month long but rather than commend and support me in doing so he has moaned about me not helping out in the house after my 12 hour stint of "day" job and extra job (he does do a lot of housework himself to his merit) and that he doesn't see me. Now that job is finished I am going to start doing tutoring, which will be much less frequent but he is also moaning about that.

I resent this because he earns so much more than me but doesn't think that he should help me out more and then has the cheek to have a go at me for trying to make ends meet! I mentioned this last time we had a row about my extra work and he basically thinks that he has "earnt" his extra money so why should he pay extra? If he wants to feel that way that is fine but I feel that he should accept the fact that I need to do extra work in this case to make up my shortfall and he will have to put up with seeing me a bit less.

What makes it worse is that despite the fact we don't share money he is always commenting on what I spend my money on. He doesn't see alcohol as a waste of money (when he's getting drunk at the pub) but commented recently on me buying some new jeans (my single old pair had holes in the crotch!!) and sports clothes (as if this is a luxury, I hate spending money on sports kit more than anything but I need it to stay healthy!). Incidentally I don't comment on his spending unless it impacts directly on me.

This makes me worried for the future as he does sometimes talk about marriage and has even mentioned me having time off for kids (no way!), but how can I do this if he is so tight with money? I will not spend a married life justifying why I need to spend £24 on getting a haircut every 4 months, especially if I have any time out not earning and am relying on him.

Sorry for the long rant, any advice?

EpsomOldie

Run Niki,run.

neneromanova

EpsomOldie wrote: »

Run Niki,run.

I agree. If he's not prepared to put all money into one pot then he's not really a nice guy. I would go find someone who is nicer and wants to be in a partnership rather than on his own with a house mate.

This_Year

niki23 wrote: »

What makes it worse is that despite the fact we don't share money he is always commenting on what I spend my money on. He doesn't see alcohol as a waste of money (when he's getting drunk at the pub) but commented recently on me buying some new jeans (my single old pair had holes in the crotch!!) and sports clothes (as if this is a luxury, I hate spending money on sports kit more than anything but I need it to stay healthy!). Incidentally I don't comment on his spending unless it impacts directly on me.

My OH tried that but instead of defending my purchase (which could leave the impression that you think he can dictate what you spend money on!) I merely said, "that's right, I did buy new jeans/whatever" and left it at that.

My ex also said after we had been living together a few months "I don't mind how much you spend on nice clothes" and I told him that as long as I'm able to pay my way in the house that how I spend the rest of my money is my concern. Don't think he expected that :rotfl:

This_Year

Have to say that if he's criticising you now how will it be once you're dependant on him if/once you give up work to have children?

He's sounding quite overbearing. However, only you know what he's like.

LannieDuck

Oh dear... that sounds like the start of a slippery slope to me

Why does he think he has a right to comment on your purchases?

LannieDuck

This_Year wrote: »

Have to say that if he's criticising you now how will it be once you're dependant on him if/once you give up work to have children?

He's sounding quite overbearing. However, only you know what he's like.

Heheh, perhaps OP could suggest that if they have kids, he'll be the one giving up work to look after them.

niki23

This_Year wrote: »

My ex also said after we had been living together a few months "I don't mind how much you spend on nice clothes" and I told him that as long as I'm able to pay my way in the house that how I spend the rest of my money is my concern. Don't think he expected that :rotfl:

Thanks This Year. I have said this to him before many times but it doesn't seem to stop him. I do unfortunately get drawn into justifying things, I try not to and I know it is bad to do so but it is SO hard when you are being criticized to keep ignoring it!

And also thanks for the "Run Niki" :rotfl: I was expecting that to be said!! Thing is he is a nice guy and I want to try and make it work if possible. I think part of the problem is that this is what is family are like. His mum was a housewife and had to justify her spending and even though he is an adult they are very critical of him.

BitterAndTwisted

Him not increasing his share of the outgoings when his income is so far in excess of yours is one thing. Him seeing you take on a second job to afford just to keep up with the basics and then going on to berate you for what you spend YOUR OWN money on is quite another.

A frank exchange of views is called for, and if that resolves nothing, I know what I'd be doing.

niki23

LannieDuck wrote: »

Heheh, perhaps OP could suggest that if they have kids, he'll be the one giving up work to look after them.

Haha, I used to say this to him and he said that he was up for it! I don't think I would ever give up my job to have kids anyway, but even if I went part time you lose earnings. However unfortunately as he has now ended up earning more than me it would be practical for me rather than him to take a hit on earnings, but only if it was to be shared properly!!

BitterAndTwisted

niki23 wrote: »

Thing is, he is a nice guy and I want to try and make it work if possible.

Actually, I don't think he is a nice guy in any shape, way or form. That is not the way "nice guys" treat their life-partners. I think he's a rude, selfish and controlling git.