Mean with money

Pixiechic

He is just going to have to like or lump it then! As he knows that you have to work two jobs to make ends meet whilst he languishes then he will just have to deal with it. You are doing what you need to do to be financially okay. It doesn't seem fair though as you helped him when he was studying.

Looking at children in the future, I'd probably run a mile. I mean, if he is like this with you now, what would it be like if you had children and weren't working? Looks a little bleak to me .

It doesn't sound like you are in much a team, more like two individuals trying to make it work.

I would sit down with him and explain how you feel and your fears and see what he says. Maybe he will be receptive if you explain things.

No man will dictate to me or tell me what I can, can't or should do or spend my money on, they'd hit the curb pretty quickly if they did

onlyroz

If you want to live with somebody as a "family" (whether you have kids or not) then the only things that really work are either having a joint pot of money, or contributing an amount to the household in proportion to your income. Anything else is bound to cause tension, and if he can't see that then I don't think it reflects well on his character.

notanewuser

DH and I have been together for 12 years and have never put all of the money into one pot. However, we've always paid a proportion of the bills which fitted our respective incomes.

So when I brought home £2k a month and he brought home £4k a month, we split the bills 33:67. There is no fairer way to do it IMO.

If in the future you have a child/children and earn less/don't earn he should be paying more/all to support that.

At the moment he sounds like a selfish brat.

balletshoes

Niki if you feel the bills should be split in a different way now, as your incomes have changed and the outgoings have changed, then sit down with your bf and tell him. If you feel its unfair and you'd like him to help out a little more financially, tell him, and then ask for his suggestions.

Theres nothing wrong with this.

If he point blank refuses to discuss it with you, or refuses to consider ways in which the bills can be sorted out so you are both okay with it, then I think you do really need to think about where your future is going with him, especially when marriage and kids are discussed - how are the household/kids expenses etc going to be sorted out then? Money really can be the root of all evil in a relationship, if theres no give and take.

My OH and I have completely different attitudes to money and spending it. When theres enough money coming in, thats no problem whatsoever. When things are tight financially, we have to work together to get through it. We both have to compromise.

System

He sounds like a control freak to me.

BitterAndTwisted

How about the following conversation:

"Honey, some of the couples I know calculate their contribution towards the household spends according to what their income is. You have £500 a month coming in more than I do, so how about upping your share?"

His response will tell you everything you need to know about how he values your relationship in the long-term.

Amanda65

Ever since OH and I moved in together we pooled all our money, had a joint account for bills and each took a bit out for personal spends - this continued after we got married and had our three children as there were times when I wasn't working due to the ankle biters. Equally there have been plenty of times when there wasn't any 'spare' cash for personal spends and we bought on a 'only when really necessary' basis.

Sit down with your OH, tell him it needs sorting, and work out how to do that. Maybe you should work out what percentage he earns more than you (from your main job) and he should pay that percentage more of the bills - see what he says.

I have to agree with others though that 'nice' men don't spend their money on beer and then question you buying a pair of jeans and disagreements over money can be a major reason for relationships not to work. You need to either nip it in the bud and get on even footing, or decide if you really want to spend more time with someone whose financial priorities are so different to yours.

CH27

I would suggest that you move to a property that you can afford. If he wants you to pay half he will have to live in a property you can afford.

I would also worry about the future & what would happen if you have children etc. How will family finances be done?

kwmlondon

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

How about the following conversation:

"Honey, some of the couples I know calculate their contribution towards the household spends according to what their income is. You have £500 a month coming in more than I do, so how about upping your share?"

His response will tell you everything you need to know about how he values your relationship in the long-term.

I have to agree with this.

It's bizarre, I know plenty of nice people who get all weird when it comes to money. I've always tried to do my utmost to avoid situations where it could cause a problem, but once you're in a long term relationship it's inevitable that you both start to lose financial autonomy to some extent and become an entity, especially when it comes to bills and suchlike.

I think there may be a bit of difficulty in getting someone like your boyfriend to a) accept that as life and your situations change you have to adapt your approach to them and b) that he has to see things from your point of view.

It may be necessary to be very blunt with him and say that while you'd like you both to be together, and you think the world of him, you can't see much future in a relationship where you don't support each other when necessary - you're not getting the emotional or financial support you need, one or the other may be enough to build on but without either it's not possible.

That's my advice.

VestanPance

I can only assume at one point the financial arrangement of splitting bills 50/50 and keeping the rest to yourselves suited both of you, or one of you had given into the others way of wanting to sort this.

It's clear from your post that this now no longer works, as it's putting you one of you in financial difficulty. I think you need an open and honest discussion on financial matters and how to plan these going forward, as this is an extremely important topic to come to agreement over. That should also include talking about what you both have to spend as you like without putting either of you in possible debt problems.