Mean with money

Mojisola

niki23 wrote: »

When we first lived together he was a student and I paid a little more for food and other things (I had about £150 more than him a month at this time), however in the last year he got a job and is now earning 10k more than me.

I resent this because he earns so much more than me but doesn't think that he should help me out more and then has the cheek to have a go at me for trying to make ends meet! I mentioned this last time we had a row about my extra work and he basically thinks that he has "earnt" his extra money so why should he pay extra?

If he wants to feel that way that is fine but I feel that he should accept the fact that I need to do extra work in this case to make up my shortfall and he will have to put up with seeing me a bit less.

I will not spend a married life justifying why I need to spend £24 on getting a haircut every 4 months, especially if I have any time out not earning and am relying on him.

niki23 wrote: »

Thing is he is a nice guy and I want to try and make it work if possible. I think part of the problem is that this is what is family are like. His mum was a housewife and had to justify her spending and even though he is an adult they are very critical of him.

Not nice enough if he was willing to live off you when his income was lower but won't pay more now that he's the higher earner!

It isn't "fine" that he thinks his extra money is his because he earned it - you earned the extra money that subbed him while he was a student.

If this is a big issue within his family, he might not be able to change. You have to face up to the fact that if he won't share his money with you with good grace, then your future life together won't be a happy one.

BitterAndTwisted

VestanPance wrote: »

I can only assume at one point the financial arrangement of splitting bills 50/50 and keeping the rest to yourselves suited both of you, or one of you had given into the others way of wanting to sort this.

Except that the OP states in her first post that when he was a student and she earned more than him she contributed more to the expenses but now that the shoe is on the other foot the same arrangement doesn't suit.

He's patently a selfish user.

tesuhoha

Since the day we started living together we have had a joint account and my husband has put every penny he earns into it. I do the same. When he wants cash he asks me to take some out for him but we always pay for everything out of theijoint account. My money is his and his is mine. I think that's how it should be really.

By the way that has been the case for 30+ years.

Mojisola

tesuhoha wrote: »

Since the day we started living together we have had a joint account and my husband has put every penny he earns into it. I do the same. When he wants cash he asks me to take some out for him but we always pay for everything out of theijoint account. My money is his and his is mine. I think that's how it should be really.

By the way that has been the case for 30+ years.

We work that way, too, but it doesn't suit everybody. We're lucky in that our attitude to money, spending and saving is very similar.

There are a range of ways of organising finances when you become a couple - as long as it suits both people, how it's done doesn't matter.

kwmlondon

tesuhoha wrote: »

Since the day we started living together we have had a joint account and my husband has put every penny he earns into it. I do the same. When he wants cash he asks me to take some out for him but we always pay for everything out of theijoint account. My money is his and his is mine. I think that's how it should be really.

By the way that has been the case for 30+ years.

Fair play to you, I'm not sure I could do that. My parents have a joint account and individual accounts. This way my mum can buy herself bling with her own money and pretend to my dad that it's paste and as she earns okay everybody's happy!

Me and partner have a joint account but as I earn a lot more and all the bills are in my name we don't really use it as much as we should. Also as the mortgage is in my name I pay that, he's ploughing most of his money into paying off student debts. We're just cruising along and making it work as best we can.

It's gonna get interesting in September as he's going back to study and I'll be paying for everything so we'll see how we manage with that! We're also getting a bigger place but will rent out a room to cover the extra cost and then in two years when he's earning again I'll make him buy me a new motorbike yay!

Lunar_Eclipse

niki23 wrote: »

Haha, I used to say this to him and he said that he was up for it! I don't think I would ever give up my job to have kids anyway, but even if I went part time you lose earnings.

That's exactly how I felt until I had my first child. After she was born and I'd experienced the joy of maternity leave (ie the freedom to choose what I spent my days doing which was far more enjoyable and rewarding than my job has ever been), there was no way I was going back to work, given the choice (which I appreciate most people don't have.) The point is to be aware that priorities often change as life experiences change.

I often think posters responding with a "run as fast as you can" type response, in reply to a single post that isn't overly detailed, are typically jumping the gun. This might well be the most sensible course of action if you have discussed your income disparity at length. However, I didn't get that impression.

My suggestion is that you talk openly about how your life looks now, how you'd like things to change, where you'd like to be in 5 years time etc. Money will be part of the discussion. Have a chat about joint finances, about whether he feels you should contribute equally in terms of money but therefore not equally in terms of hours worked. Most couples, in my experience, think the fairest thing to do is based on hours worked, not earnings per hour. An income disparity is normal and based on market supply and demand; it's not a big deal.

For all we know he thinks you're a fiercely independent woman (your not wanting time off for kids adds weight to this) who doesn't want your finances being handled any other way.

People are not telepathic. You need to have some open and honest conversations before deciding whether you're on the same page, and thus have a long term future, or not.

If you've done this already, then the ball's in your court as to whether you can put up with it or not.

Bufger

Everyone here is giving you the same advice but you're deciding not to listen.

I'm a bloke. My wife is now part time after having our 2 kids and puts 500 into the joint account each month. I put in 1800 each month AND I work a second job when money is tight. It used to be 50:50 but we do what we need to and she hasnt got an easy ride with a part time job and 2 very young children when im not there.

If he's a real man he will take pride in providing for his family.

The signs are there - will you read them?

Lunar_Eclipse

Just caught up with the thread; some excellent suggestions.

LannieDuck

tesuhoha wrote: »

Since the day we started living together we have had a joint account and my husband has put every penny he earns into it. I do the same. When he wants cash he asks me to take some out for him but we always pay for everything out of theijoint account. My money is his and his is mine. I think that's how it should be really.

By the way that has been the case for 30+ years.

We've merged finances now we're married with a child, otherwise it would be so difficult - you'd have to remember who paid for nappies last month, or who's turn it was to buy shoes (we should have merged finances years before but were just too lazy :P)

All expenses come out of the joint account, and a small amount goes into personal accounts for us each month to use as 'spending money' that we don't need to check with the other person or justify in any way.

...I can understand being wary about merging finances if you aren't married tho.

neneromanova

I didn't literally mean put all money into one "pot" just metaphorically. OH and I daren't do that as I'm so bad with money there'd be nothing left to pay the bills, He knows this and I don't care that I'm not on his account, but I still give him any spare money I have for bills and stuff.