Mean with money

Person_one

OurKev wrote: »

In my opinion, the fairest way would be to work towards both having the same amount left over after the bills are paid.

Me too.

The percentage approach isn't terrible, but if there's a huge disparity in income (say one partner earning 75K and one earning 14K) then one still ends up with an awful lot more 'spends' than the other.

I believe that a couple who are truly committed and in it for the long term don't have vastly different lifestyles/scope for luxuries etc.

loudmouth

victory wrote: »

To let you work 2 jobs to be able to pay your way rather than help you out by upping his share seems cruel, does he not remember what you did for him when he was a student?

I reckon he knows when he is onto a good thing. I mean he probley thinks if she can't manage when they are living together then she won't manage on her own, so she needs him. I think he is on the treat them mean and keep them keen team type.

pmlindyloo

I have to say that how money is shared or not is often a case of 'what my parents did'.

I think before you have children then how you split your money is a decision that only you can make as a couple. From what you describe splitting everything 50/50 wasn't working out as you earned less and you sensibly got a second income.

If your OH is moaning about this then he can't have it both ways. You either stick to the 50/50 arrangement and you keep your second job or you contribute less and give up your second job.

I am guessing that the nagging about what you spend your money on is a response to your 'I need to earn more money hence the second job ' where he sees it as' if you didn't spend money you didn't need to, then you would have more money and wouldn't need a second job'.

I am absolutely sure that you need to have a 'sit down' conversation about this, especially since he has mentioned having children.

What will happen when you are on maternity leave? Who will pay the rent then? What will happen if you don't go back to work or work part time? Will you be allowed to 'keep' the child tax credits and child benefit or will he give you 'house keeping?'

If the answer to these questions is not what you want to hear then you will have to be firm and say that this is not acceptable and then...................

When I met my husband he earned mega money. His parents had always had their own accounts and contributed separately to mortgage and bills. When he asked me to marry him he proceeded to discuss how this scenario would work with us - ie what we both should contribute. I threw a hissy fit and nearly called off the engagement.

We opened up a joint account and pooled all our money. We discussed large items of spending and set up DDs for the bills etc etc.

My reasoning was that anything could happen in the future -we could have children, he could lose his job, I could lose my job. If we were committed to each other then that would mean that we would support each other come what may.

As it turned out at various times his salary alone has supported the family and my salary alone has supported the family.

I know people also like their own bank accounts for buying presents etc. We have never felt the need. We never buy each other expensive presents, just joke presents. If someone needs something we talk about it and budget for it together.

I know other things work for other people but thought I would give you my view.

Even if you don't agree with me - you must talk about finances and make some decisions together so you can move forward.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds like he's thinking he doesn't need you anymore.

Which makes him a bit of an ungrateful user, IMO.

kwmlondon

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I have to say that how money is shared or not is often a case of 'what my parents did'.

I think before you have children then how you split your money is a decision that only you can make as a couple. From what you describe splitting everything 50/50 wasn't working out as you earned less and you sensibly got a second income.

........

I know other things work for other people but thought I would give you my view.

Even if you don't agree with me - you must talk about finances and make some decisions together so you can move forward.

Good point - what works for one couple will not work for another couple. Keeping separate finances and dealing with expenditure on a case-by-case basis works for us. We've discussed it and our difference in salaries is something we work out fairly easily, but we're both very independent people and we will not be having children.

There are couples here who have totally pooled finances.

There are couples here with mostly separate finances.

There are lots of couples with a mix and match setup.

What won't work is each person in the relationship having a different idea of what they want/have. That's not sustainable.

floss2

I think he is still in the frame of mind as when you both earned roughly the same...he obviously doesn't see that there is such a disparity that you have felt the need to take a second job to pay 50% of the bills, but then again, have you actually told him WHY you are doing the second job? Does he think that you are spending "too much" on non-essentials in his eyes and that is why you are getting the comments, and he doesn't actually know your financial position?

TBH, it may be difficult, but if you are sharing a home, bills and bed with someone else, you really need to be open & upfront about your money, if only to get to an agreement about who pays what.

Me & DH have our own accounts and a joint account for bills & food shopping. We each put in an amount based on the percentage of total income that we have, so as DH brings home twice my take-home pay, I have a standing order of approximately 34% of the total outgoings to his 66%. This covers the bills, food shopping & other bits that are "joint".

We've found this to be the fairest way for us, and it has worked for seven years so far but we do talk about money (which I never ever did with my first husband) and review on a regular basis (last week in fact!)

Bella73

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with him and remind him you paid extra when you supported him being a student.

My hubby earns more than I do and puts more in the pot than I do.

justme111

The only person you can work on is you. Once you do not get offended by him criticizing you and try to justify yourself he will change as well automatically. He should be one buying you stuff , not criticizing you for doing it yourself. I bet if he was in a relationship with a "wallflower" who was in a mode "a man should mantain woman" he would have adjusted to it, I guess you might have conditioned him to his present mindset in pulling the cart hard yourself.
I disagree with "run" comment , he must have enough good points and if we were running for every single downside we would stay alone forever. If someone presses our buttons we have an option to leave but we as well have an option of getting rid of those buttons

Funky_Bold_Ribena

niki23 wrote: »

Thanks This Year. I have said this to him before many times but it doesn't seem to stop him. I do unfortunately get drawn into justifying things, I try not to and I know it is bad to do so but it is SO hard when you are being criticized to keep ignoring it!

And also thanks for the "Run Niki" :rotfl: I was expecting that to be said!! Thing is he is a nice guy and I want to try and make it work if possible. I think part of the problem is that this is what is family are like. His mum was a housewife and had to justify her spending and even though he is an adult they are very critical of him.

Why? It's 6 years in and you felt the need to post this thread and ask for advice. Do you think someone will wave a magic wand and give you some metaphorical quote that will make him magically see that he is a selfish tightwad and immediately give his earnings freely into the pot rather than watch you struggle?

ruby-roo_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Why? It's 6 years in and you felt the need to post this thread and ask for advice. Do you think someone will wave a magic wand and give you some metaphorical quote that will make him magically see that he is a selfish tightwad and immediately give his earnings freely into the pot rather than watch you struggle?

Why would the OP not want to try and make it work. She has invested 6 years with this guy. By talking things through with him and being honest and open they may be able to resolve their differences and move forward positively. Is that really such a bad idea?