Ex wants to take DS on holiday!

duchy

I go through a lot of threads too....yet my perception is entirely different. I see a lot of support but I also see a lot of very balanced advice.

As I said earlier any adult telling their partner "I'll deal with you later" would be the end of a relationship to me. It's disrespectful and menacing.

I don't believe the majority of women in committed relationships see a partner as a sperm donor and financial provider -but I do believe that when relationships break down women are more vunerable as they are in the majority of cases expected to be the fulltime carer (both by their partners and society) still and financially do require more protection as their earning is also limited by their home responsibilities.
They can't work late, fly to another site at short notice etc in most cases as they need to be at home in the evenings and at weekends. Men in most cases don't have the same limitations on career choice and can relocate etc with fewer issues.
Few men lose their jobs because their relationships break down -the same isn't true of women.

We all have opinions coloured by our own experiences -I went from a high flying job to a minimum wage job simply because as a lone parent in an area with no family back up (we had moved away with my husband's work) it wasn't possible to sustain the career path I was on without lots of external childcare - at a time my son needed me more as he was very unsettled and insecure after the breakup. My husband told me I was doing him a disservice as I "should" have a "decent job" to set our son a good example......when asked how I could do both..... He didn't know -just felt I "should" <eye roll> So to sustain our son's standard of living -I relied on child support to supplement my earnings-and going from two decent salaries funding that to one -and my husband resented it as it hit him in the pocket but he couldn't tell me HOW I could raise a child with a disability (and all the extra appointments that involves) and work fulltime....oh and dress our son in designer labels too (one of the things he felt was important)

I do believe a lot of men honestly don't realise the financial impact of a split and do resent the choices women often make - but don't always appreciate the practicalities too so please don't talk to me about "meal tickets" I've had that one thrown at me and I'm unimpressed.

I have simply done what many women do - raised my son , worked and tried to give him everything he'd have got from a two parent family but with just me doing it all. I've consoled him when his Dad has had other things to do at weekends (both work and leisure) and made excuses for him, I've bitten my tongue when my ex has told me my job isn't "good enough" and ensured my son grew into a young man with opertunities despite his disability and I certainly don't need someone who implies that all single mothers have the time or the inclination to regard fathers as sperm doners and meal tickets telling me "Well done" I am doing what the vast majority of mothers do -regardless of what you may think to the contrary !!

Hopefully that's enough explanation for you as it's my last word of the subject and apologies to the OP for the hijack)

DUTR wrote: »

Ok, so you are bright and I'm thick, so please help me understand why YOU feel it was patronising?

Obviously I go through a lot of threads , and to be honest, the general consensus is that the bloke is just a juice doner and put money on the table, other than that they serve little purpose?

Your post didn't strike me that you were not that kind of person and was more balanced than a lot of the posts saying, NO NO NO and no never!

So between the lines of my original reply to you , it was a compliment to you your character not a critism.
At least the OP's ex has offered to take the DC on a holiday, I wouldn't be offering and having to ask the other parent's permission and authority, just as I wouldn't wish for them to seek mine.

meer53

Dogger69 is right, this child is stuck in the middle of 2 parents who don't communicate. I presume the child comes back in one piece after spending time with his Dad ? My ex took my son and a friend to Benidorm after we'd split, they had a whale of a time, a lot of families go there. The OP should discuss this with her ex, and ask her son whether HE would like to go.

silvercar

he is basically a selfish violent abusive man who wants access to our 6 year old son when it suits his social life!

SO you trust him enough to have your child for 24 hours? but not for a holiday?

floss2

DUTR wrote: »

.....why is he having to ask permission to take their child on a well deserved holiday?......

If it is out of the UK, he may need the child's passport...and the PWC's permission to take him out of the country.

DUTR wrote: »

Let's hope Mummy is going to take the lad on holiday.

Why should she? It's not a child's right to have a holiday, but to be safe is.

DUTR wrote: »

....At least the OP's ex has offered to take the DC on a holiday, I wouldn't be offering and having to ask the other parent's permission and authority, just as I wouldn't wish for them to seek mine.

Well let's hope you are never in the position that you DO have to, due to divorce / separation and custody arrangements, because obviously your offspring would be disappointed!

DUTR

duchy wrote: »

I go through a lot of threads too....yet my perception is entirely different. I see a lot of support but I also see a lot of very balanced advice.

As I said earlier any adult telling their partner "I'll deal with you later" would be the end of a relationship to me. It's disrespectful and menacing.

I don't believe the majority of women in committed relationships see a partner as a sperm donor and financial provider -but I do believe that when relationships break down women are more vunerable as they are in the majority of cases expected to be the fulltime carer (both by their partners and society) still and financially do require more protection as their earning is also limited by their home responsibilities.
They can't work late, fly to another site at short notice etc in most cases as they need to be at home in the evenings and at weekends. Men in most cases don't have the same limitations on career choice and can relocate etc with fewer issues.
Few men lose their jobs because their relationships break down -the same isn't true of women.

We all have opinions coloured by our own experiences -I went from a high flying job to a minimum wage job simply because as a lone parent in an area with no family back up (we had moved away with my husband's work) it wasn't possible to sustain the career path I was on without lots of external childcare - at a time my son needed me more as he was very unsettled and insecure after the breakup. My husband told me I was doing him a disservice as I "should" have a "decent job" to set our son a good example......when asked how I could do both..... He didn't know -just felt I "should" <eye roll> So to sustain our son's standard of living -I relied on child support to supplement my earnings-and going from two decent salaries funding that to one -and my husband resented it as it hit him in the pocket but he couldn't tell me HOW I could raise a child with a disability (and all the extra appointments that involves) and work fulltime....oh and dress our son in designer labels too (one of the things he felt was important)

I do believe a lot of men honestly don't realise the financial impact of a split and do resent the choices women often make - but don't always appreciate the practicalities too so please don't talk to me about "meal tickets" I've had that one thrown at me and I'm unimpressed.

I have simply done what many women do - raised my son , worked and tried to give him everything he'd have got from a two parent family but with just me doing it all. I've consoled him when his Dad has had other things to do at weekends (both work and leisure) and made excuses for him, I've bitten my tongue when my ex has told me my job isn't "good enough" and ensured my son grew into a young man with opertunities despite his disability and I certainly don't need someone who implies that all single mothers have the time or the inclination to regard fathers as sperm doners and meal tickets telling me "Well done" I am doing what the vast majority of mothers do -regardless of what you may think to the contrary !!

Hopefully that's enough explanation for you as it's my last word of the subject and apologies to the OP for the hijack)

Thanks for replying, and I can see why you may have felt I was patronising you, (which I hope you now realise I was not) , I know there are some damn hard working parents of both gender, and I too know the majority of women do not see men as donors, however please forgive my observation of a large minority of posters across the various boards as that is what colours my vision.

When I see posts that outline your particular episode, it is more inspiring and encouraging that 'anything' is possible rather than it is purely somebody else's fault or the light at the end of the tunnel is to be provided by somebody else. So unbeknown to you the inspiration and encouragment gets reflected positvely elsewhere (in the real world and people I have to encounter) .

DUTR

floss2 wrote: »

If it is out of the UK, he may need the child's passport...and the PWC's permission to take him out of the country.



Why should she? It's not a child's right to have a holiday, but to be safe is.



Well let's hope you are never in the position that you DO have to, due to divorce / separation and custody arrangements, because obviously your offspring would be disappointed!

Brush up on the 5th commandment, however I wouldn't ever fight for custody access etc, so if the offspring is dissapointed, tough luck, thankfully, not every woman has the same blinkered view as you, with your silly attacks, perhaps you should read some of Duchy's replies, because whilst initially I may not agree on view points, at least there is logic in her replies and it is not totally fuelled pure emotion and no logic.

As already mentioned earlier, for the sake of the child's contentment, the holiday should be 'allowed' , if everything is as posted then it should be a straight red card NO! But as the thread was started then I cannot see why the question needs to be asked unless somewhere in the back of the OPs mind, a little light is saying it maybe the right thing to do.
However only the OP has to walk in their shoes.

ViolaLass

DUTR wrote: »

Brush up on the 5th commandment, however I wouldn't ever fight for custody access etc, so if the offspring is dissapointed, tough luck, thankfully, not every woman has the same blinkered view as you, with your silly attacks, perhaps you should read some of Duchy's replies, because whilst initially I may not agree on view points, at least there is logic in her replies and it is not totally fuelled pure emotion and no logic.

Google suggests that the 5th commandment is 'honour thy father and mother'. How is that relevant here?

pimento

DUTR wrote: »

Does the OP allow the child to go on holiday or not? that is the question.

I'd say he has as much right to take him away on holiday as the OP.

DUTR

ViolaLass wrote: »

Google suggests that the 5th commandment is 'honour thy father and mother'. How is that relevant here?

Here as in where? My post or the thread?

Carl31

Just remember op, whatever you think of and say about your ex, its still your sons father. Any negativity you relay may not be the view your son shares about his dad, and you may find yourself on the receiving end of resentment

Obviously you have your reasons, but people can change, and the person your ex was to you maybe not who your son sees now. Just tread carefully