Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

tesuhoha wrote: »

I might be wrong here but it strikes me that he is using your daughter as a weapon against you. If he is that fond of her and that keen to see her then why is he treating her so badly? Also not bothering to clean the house when she stays over is not very considerate towards her. I would say that he doesn't have the right to interfere with her friendships.

It might be an idea to cut his contact for a while until he steps up to the mark. Let him know in no uncertain terms that your daughter deserves better and you will not be blackmailed into letting her visit under any circumstances. He has not got the right to subject her to verbal abuse and accusations. He has not got the right to make her stay in a filthy house. He has not got the right to ignore her on visits. She is supposed to be there because he wants to see her and she wants to see him. It is supposed to be a happy occasion and if it is not, then maybe you should curtail the visits for a while.

I agree with this totally, it sounds very much like hes taking out the anger has has with you on your daughter. I appreciate you are trying to keep contact and communication going, but I would also be saying to him, unless he sorts himself out, cleans up the house, looks for somewhere suitable to stay and stops abusing you and making these ridiculous demands and being so negative to your daughter, that you arent going to send her to his house and that you and he may need to get outside support to get a formal access routine in place because you've tried it this way and it clearly isnt working.

Its not working and unless he changes his ways, he could end up in a situation where your daughter at a future date might decide she doesnt want to see him at all.

He's bullying the pair of you and I appreciate youve been putting up with this for a long time and youve made great efforts to get out and away from him, but so much of your time is taken up with him and his anger, having to do things in a certain way, worrying about the lease, the way hes behaving towards your daughter.

It needs to stop, shes 13 years old and upset enough, she doesnt need her father acting like an idiot as well. The smelly house would be an absolute deal breaker for me, its unfair that she has to spend an extended period of time there.

You are used to him so what hes being like is normal in some respects as thats all youve been used to. Its not appropriate though.

kelpie35

TWM I really feel for you, your ex is using blackmail tactics once again, and you are the person having to pick up the pieces.

As another poster suggested, I would ask your DD to make arrangements through text or email with her dad as to when she is going to visit.

I would encourage your DD to continue to have a social life, with friends from school etc, that is very important for her at her age.

If you try to keep your distance from your ex it might relieve some stress. Explain, in a way that your DD understands, how upsetting it is to you, how her dad is treating you and it is not acceptable behaviour. You will be teaching her a very valuable lesson for later in life.

I know you have so much going on at the moment, but have you managed to sort out the tenancy yet?

Hope you manage to have some me time this weekend to recharge your batteries.

Take care.

triple_choc_chip

tesuhoha wrote: »

He doesn't have the right to interfere with her friendships. your daughter deserves better and you will not be blackmailed into letting her visit under any circumstances. He has not got the right to subject her to verbal abuse and accusations. He has not got the right to make her stay in a filthy house. He has not got the right to ignore her on visits.

I would copy this straight to email and press send.

He is awkward, rude, inconsiderate and downright disrespectful and it won't matter if you are reasonable or flexible with the arrangements because that will reinforce that you are weak.

So be strong and say no and then leave it for him to put in some effort, in order to change your mind.

In the future, I would channel your negotiation and reasonableness towards your daughter - ask her if she would like to go each time and give her the power to decide - all you need to do is let him know her decision.

If he doesn't like it he will have to investigate how to gain regular access through proper channels and that will involve discussing his financial contributions too which will be in your favour.

Errata

triple_choc_chip wrote: »

In the future, I would channel your negotiation and reasonableness towards your daughter - ask her if she would like to go each time and give her the power to decide - all you need to do is let him know her decision.

.

This ^^^ because children aren't parcels to be passed around willy nilly at the whim and convenience of the parents.

teawithmilk

Thanks. Against my better judgement she has gone to him tonight. When she was feeling a bit better at lunchtime she started feeling sorry for him (he has got her at the stage where she worries about him e.g. his drinking and general health as he is overweight) and she said she felt guilty and wanted to go over to his house.

Its been chaos here today. I've had workmen round doing some jobs and the dust is unbelievable. I had to disconnect the telly and only just got the computer up and running again so she has had a really boring day. I had planned the work because in theory she wasnt actually supposed to be with me today...but kids are kids and her sickness last night scuppered all that.

She doesn't have loads of friends or clubs or activities. Her best friends mum does seem to like to arrange things for a friday afternoon which is fair enough. She doesnt do it that often, once in a blue moon really. Hes just so unreasonable. Months ago I gave him fair warning that I wanted to take her away for the first week of the summer 2014 holiday and now he is moaning about that. I recently told him I wanted DD for the first weekend of the Feb mid term and he is complaining about that too.

Last night he told me he didnt want to see or speak to me and to get out of his house. So Im going to have to do everything in writing. Im not demeaning myself anymore (especially in front of DD) by trying to coax him to have a grown up conversation.

I am always angry with myself for doing the wrong thing! Whatever decision i take I always beat myself up about it. Its just not normal. If I had kept her with me tonight I wouldnt have been able to relax anyway, worrying about what he might do.

Monday im e mailling him and putting a copy in post registered saying that I want to know what his intentions are regarding the house lease.

should I contact the letting agency telling them what is going on which might ring alarm bells with them or just try and get him out myself?

God, I'm 43 yrs old and cant make a decision. Pathetic. I dont want to be this sort of role model to my DD.

Even my family seem to be avoiding me now, maybe Im being a little paranoid. I havent spoken to my sister for over a week.

My big brother is home next week, he usually gives sound advice and is a good back up. i wonder if it would be a crazy idea to get him to come round to the house with me as "back up" while I try to speak to ex. I cant even picture ex being organised enough to move all the furniture out. He is so unpredictable that it wouldn't be a shock if he was to just walk away and leave the house with everything in it.

paulineb_2

I think you need to try and get into a mindset where his negativity doesnt control your life and you stop making every decision wondering whether hes going to be upset about it. I have no idea about housing law but you got some advice earlier on the thread and its maybe an idea to post your issue on the housing board.

People might know the specifics about what you need to do to get him to vacate the tenancy.

teawithmilk

Thanks will do. I do seem to be going round in circles. This past 12 months has just been a nightmare. I cant even find my tenancy agreement now or the inventory as I have had to shift things around so many times.

Carer

I'm sure you mentioned somewhere that the lease is in your name only.
If that is indeed the case then I would give the official notice to the estate agent ASAP and tell them you will not be continuing the tenancy.
Once you've done this and given them a date you will vacate then I would tell the Ex when he has to be out and hope he doesn't become awkward.
Given the hassle he has given you it would be far better to have a completely clean break and let him sort out his own new accomodation. A fresh start for him in a new home might help him move on too.

thorsoak

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. Against my better judgement she has gone to him tonight. When she was feeling a bit better at lunchtime she started feeling sorry for him (he has got her at the stage where she worries about him e.g. his drinking and general health as he is overweight) and she said she felt guilty and wanted to go over to his house.

Its been chaos here today. I've had workmen round doing some jobs and the dust is unbelievable. I had to disconnect the telly and only just got the computer up and running again so she has had a really boring day. I had planned the work because in theory she wasnt actually supposed to be with me today...but kids are kids and her sickness last night scuppered all that.

She doesn't have loads of friends or clubs or activities. Her best friends mum does seem to like to arrange things for a friday afternoon which is fair enough. She doesnt do it that often, once in a blue moon really. Hes just so unreasonable. Months ago I gave him fair warning that I wanted to take her away for the first week of the summer 2014 holiday and now he is moaning about that. I recently told him I wanted DD for the first weekend of the Feb mid term and he is complaining about that too.

Last night he told me he didnt want to see or speak to me and to get out of his house. So Im going to have to do everything in writing. Im not demeaning myself anymore (especially in front of DD) by trying to coax him to have a grown up conversation.

I am always angry with myself for doing the wrong thing! Whatever decision i take I always beat myself up about it. Its just not normal. If I had kept her with me tonight I wouldnt have been able to relax anyway, worrying about what he might do.

Monday im e mailling him and putting a copy in post registered saying that I want to know what his intentions are regarding the house lease.

should I contact the letting agency telling them what is going on which might ring alarm bells with them or just try and get him out myself?

God, I'm 43 yrs old and cant make a decision. Pathetic. I dont want to be this sort of role model to my DD.

Even my family seem to be avoiding me now, maybe Im being a little paranoid. I havent spoken to my sister for over a week.

My big brother is home next week, he usually gives sound advice and is a good back up. i wonder if it would be a crazy idea to get him to come round to the house with me as "back up" while I try to speak to ex. I cant even picture ex being organised enough to move all the furniture out. He is so unpredictable that it wouldn't be a shock if he was to just walk away and leave the house with everything in it.

I have absolutely no experience/knowledge in the legalities/practicalities of letting/giving up a lease, so the advice I am giving you is purely gut reaction - and that is - to take the letting agents into your confidence and tell them the whole story. I'd be pretty certain that this won't be the first time they've known this situation, and they may be able to give you some solid advice.

Just why are you still worrying about this man???? YOU'VE DIVORCED HIM - HE IS NO LONGER YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!

If he is so disorganised that he can't move furniture - well that is tough - on him - HE'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

If he wants to continue to have contact with your daughter, then he has to find himself somewhere else to live -but once again HE'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

Make this your mantra - HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

Your daughter is getting to the age when she will make her own decisions about whether she chooses to see her friends or her father - and this too, is her decision - NOT YOUR RESPONSBILITY!

You've come a long, long way since you first posted - and you've nearly reached the goal - just severe those last threads that are holding you back. {{hugs}}

Angry_Bear

Carer wrote: »

I'm sure you mentioned somewhere that the lease is in your name only.
If that is indeed the case then I would give the official notice to the estate agent ASAP and tell them you will not be continuing the tenancy.
Once you've done this and given them a date you will vacate then I would tell the Ex when he has to be out and hope he doesn't become awkward.
Given the hassle he has given you it would be far better to have a completely clean break and let him sort out his own new accomodation. A fresh start for him in a new home might help him move on too.

Please look back at the earlier posts from RAS on this topic he (she?) really does seem to know about tenancy law. I gather that you should NOT give notice to the LA, as then you will be liable for double rent until you can get the house empty and hand it over (i.e. until you make your OH leave). I believe (but please check with a professional) that you should ask the LA to issue a section 21 against your OH. They can then get him legally evicted if it becomes necessary.