Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

teawithmilk

Hi again, I knew it wouldnt be long before I had another dilemma. Ex usually has her to stay on Friday nights and I pick her up Saturday late teatime and have her Sat and Sunday.

Earlier in the week she had been asked to go to tea at a friends house (on Friday) I knew this would be like walking on eggshells with Ex as the last time this happened he was really awkward. Rather than being pleased that she was having some sort of social life outside school he moaned and complained about it.

Last night I thought I could get round it by getting the other girls mum to drop DD straight at her Dads at seven pm. But at half seven i got a call from DD in tears saying she had bad stomach cramps and also she hadnt brought any overnight clothes to her Dads.

I went round immediately with some clothes and she had also forgotten her warm coat. My intention was NOT to interfere but she was distraught when i got there, he was in the living room and she was just whispering to me in the kitchen. I tried to go in and talk to him about it but he just told me he didnt want to speak to me or see me and to get out.

He didnt seem to be offering her any sympathy, in fact he started having a real go at her saying that it was a conicidence that the cramps had come on AFTER she had spent the evening having fun with her friend.

All she seemed to want was a bit of TLC so I just said I was taking her home with me. I offered later by text to drop her off first thing this morning- Im up early as I have workmen coming at eight am to do some work on the house which will be an all day job and the electrics will be off so actually its not convenient having DD during the day today for me and thats why i had planned the work in, thinking she would be at her dads until teatime.

But now he is saying he wants her tonight as he didnt get her to stay last night ...othewise he will NEVER let her book any school or social activities on nights when she is supposed to be with him.

What the hell should I do? just bite my tongue and let her go to his tonight ? that would be the least grief option but means I lose out again.

His house also STANK. I mean like almost made me retch. He obviously hasnt cleaned the kitchen or oven since the last house inspection. No wonder she felt ill.

teawithmilk

PS and the cramps went on all night, she had to sleep propped up with pillows so even though they might have been brought on by overexcitement they were genuine.

paulineb_2

No. Stand your ground and don't let him bully you. Also do you really want her there if the house is in such poor condition? Not really a pleasant experience for her. You say it almost made you retch but she's to be there all day today and possibly overnight.

He can't stop her booking into school activities. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that she's not going back there until he cleans it. Not you, him.

teawithmilk

Im not sure he got the e mail about me not renewing the tenancy earlier in the week (I found a copy in my drafts so wasnt sure if I had sent it so I re-sent it yesterday) it was probably what he would view as abrupt- I just said that I would not be renewing the tenancy- I didnt give any excuses or grovel I just said it short and to the point. So that was proabably what he was in a bad mood about last night. He is so rude in front of DD- saying he didnt want to see me and that had to get out. DD was REALLY upset all night. Her friend has quite a "normal" family- ie mum and dad still happily married and she was crying and saying that she wished she had a family like hers- what could i say to that?? I just cuddled DD and said I loved her. I wish I had a family like that too but it just highlights how my relationship with him was so rubbish.

If I told him he had to clean the house he would take that as another "personal" insult and make life awkward.

paulineb_2

He's making your life awkward anyway. And if he doesn't clean it its going to end up being left to you when he leaves the tenancy.

No way would I be sending a child to a stinky house and if that means he doesn't see her till its clean, tough.

thorsoak

TWM - sadly you are going to have to face him down on this - you know darn well that (1) he isn't going to go quietly and (2) he isn't going to clean the place before he leaves

I know it goes against the grain to give him any more financial support, but in the circumstances, if I were you, I would tell him that (1) if he leaves quietly in a timely manner and (2) leaves the property clean AND sparkling that you will let him have the deposit for his next property (which he has to find for himself!)

paulineb_2

I wouldn't. It could just cause more problems later on. I do understand you are dealing with someone who is particularly difficult here, but you do need to take control of the situation. He's perfectly capable of cleaning, its not unreasonable that your daughter goes to a clean house and I wouldn't be sending her there till it is clean.

And you may need to get advice about how you are going to get him out of there once the lease is up.

LannieDuck

teawithmilk wrote: »

But now he is saying he wants her tonight as he didnt get her to stay last night ...othewise he will NEVER let her book any school or social activities on nights when she is supposed to be with him.

I would reply saying that sometimes her activities will fall on his nights and sometimes they'll fall on your nights. The most important bit in all of this is that DD is happy, so if she wants to do something you're not going to tell her she can't just because of the day of the week it happens to be on.

tesuhoha

I might be wrong here but it strikes me that he is using your daughter as a weapon against you. If he is that fond of her and that keen to see her then why is he treating her so badly? Also not bothering to clean the house when she stays over is not very considerate towards her. I would say that he doesn't have the right to interfere with her friendships.

It might be an idea to cut his contact for a while until he steps up to the mark. Let him know in no uncertain terms that your daughter deserves better and you will not be blackmailed into letting her visit under any circumstances. He has not got the right to subject her to verbal abuse and accusations. He has not got the right to make her stay in a filthy house. He has not got the right to ignore her on visits. She is supposed to be there because he wants to see her and she wants to see him. It is supposed to be a happy occasion and if it is not, then maybe you should curtail the visits for a while.

msb5262

LannieDuck wrote: »

I would reply saying that sometimes her activities will fall on his nights and sometimes they'll fall on your nights. The most important bit in all of this is that DD is happy, so if she wants to do something you're not going to tell her she can't just because of the day of the week it happens to be on.

Yes, I'm with you here - your DD s in charge of making her own social arrangements as long as they don't interfere with school. Also I think she's old enough to ring/text/email her dad and let him know her arrangements, he may find it a lot harder to be unreasonable and selfish when dealing with her directly! He needs to be reminded that HER needs and wishes come before his or yours.
Well done for taking good care of your DD, hope she's feeling a bit better now.