Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. Im back in work today, but feeling really upset. I dont know why I'm feeling so sad today. My sensible side is saying that I should be pleased that after years of being in an unhappy relationship Im finally making some progress- but I am also feeling sad, guilty, and worried that I am doing the right thing. Maybe I should have just seperated from him, maybe I should have just lived in this little rented house for a year and let the dust settle instead of rushing into putting in an offer on another house. Why did i think it was going to be easy or the right decision just to go straight ofr divorce????

I still care about him and if he had behaved just a little differently things might have been different. But Ive been scared to talk to him, I have tried and tried to say how unhappy I have been, even looking back at my posts here shows that I have tried. And I'm hurting that he has had two weeks to try and talk to me and he has shown no emotion at my leaving, up until he got the paperwork through and now all he is showing is anger and blame back at me, he says he is really upset at what I have put in the petition, he is dragging up the past (4 years ago I tried to leave him and he begged me to come back and I did give him umpteen more chances and things never improved really) and he is saying that he has paid for family holidays and that I have thrown all that "kindness" back in his face. He keeps going on and on about me "planning" this as if Ive been evil doing that, and he says that I have had an "agenda" for some time.

And I still have the mess with the tenancy to sort out. I know I have to go to the CSA as soon as I can, I just dont have the energy. I just wish there was someone to give me a cuddle, and just tell me everything will be ok n the end but I feel like im completely on my own.

Just had another solicitors bill e mailled through too to pay. And a call from the estate agent who is selling me the house that i want, but the way Im feeling today I feel like cancelling it all- the divorce, the house everything. The joke is that even if I said "OK darling Im cancelling the divorce and coming back" he wouldnt want me back- or if he did it would be on his terms- so there you go that proves my point, but it doesnt stop me feeling crap about myself.

You have done the right thing. If you cancel everything, the divorce, the house sale, you will regret it in years to come.

You cant change him into the person you want him to be and he wont change.

Mojisola

teawithmilk wrote: »

I still care about him and if he had behaved just a little differently things might have been different.

all he is showing is anger and blame back at me,

It's quite normal to feel like you do - please stay strong, things will get better.

You have been worn down from the years of giving to him and not receiving anything back.

teawithmilk

I know, thank you, I shouldnt feel sorry for myself but just feel like Im so alone.

He bought DD an Ipad for her birthday. So she thinks he is the best Dad ever now.

Im struggling to pay my solicitors bills and pay for an extra house on one wage and he spends 200 quid on a gadget she doesnt need. Thats just a perfect example of how he has been throughout our whole marriage.

paulineb_2

teawithmilk wrote: »

I know, thank you, I shouldnt feel sorry for myself but just feel like Im so alone.

He bought DD an Ipad for her birthday. So she thinks he is the best Dad ever now.

Im struggling to pay my solicitors bills and pay for an extra house on one wage and he spends 200 quid on a gadget she doesnt need. Thats just a perfect example of how he has been throughout our whole marriage.

Better to be alone than in a difficult marriage.

What age is she? Ten? Eleven? Its natural for her to think her dad is the best due to an ipad.

As someone else said, if he has her certain days of the week, he should be paying something towards her, CSA need to be involved.

Also, if you are paying his bills (Im not sure that you are), stop.

NAR

BIG HUGS TWM. :grouphug:

You knew he was going to react badly to receiving the divorce petition, but just ignore his rantings. He is the "innocent wounded party" and is just verbally lashing out. Be strong, you know you are doing the right thing for you and your daughter.

Just make a list for yourself of the things that you have to do and then tackle them one at a time. This is not a race, but there are some things that will need a level of priority.

The divorce petition is just one hurdle you have got over - now on to the next one.

tattycath

(((Hugs)))
I can't add anything different to what has been said apart from:if you are paying all his bills you must stop and make him stand on his own two feet.
You have said you are struggling to pay everything so you really must get some maintenance from him-the sooner the better, and if that means you had to get it through CSA then so be it.
He's still taking you for a mug. He will blame you-it's a natural process my ex did the same to me. Told me how lucky I had been to have him, he went further though and said no one would want me blah blah blah. He's angry because he doesn't have the control over you like he once had.
Please don't give in now, this is the time when you need to stay super strong. You've already been to hell and back putting up with him. There is a light at the end of the tunnel-go for it.
And as I and others have already said-get your mail redirected to your house you are in now- ASAP.

Errata

What you're experiencing sounds quite normal when a marriage breaks up. As Daisy points out, you need to concentrate fully on your job and your finances. Do you need to continue with your offer on buying a house? Perhaps just settling down in your new rented for a while and sorting out the things that MUST be sorted out now - relinquish tenancy on the house you've left, CSA, moving all your stuff and pets into your current rented, take your foot off the divorce proceedings accelerator - might be a better way forward and be less chaotic. Rome wasn't built in a day.

teawithmilk

I'm sorting out the redirection today- to be honest I get very little sent to the house I shared with him anyway- most of my financial stuff still goes to my mums house just because I was too lazy to ever change my address, and most of it is paperless banking that I do.

I need to get some work work done! Im not able to concentrate today have a huge backlog of work stuff from last week that has been dumped on me and I feel like I'm going to burst into tears if anyone gets stroppy with me at work today. Im hiding in my office so no one sees me in case I start blubbing.

I know Im a strong person and if I look at what I've done so far (on my own) like moving all my stuff on my own, looking after DD on a daily basis, sorting out lease on new house etc I know I am not a useless lazy person, I just need to keep plodding on because no one else is going to do it for me.

Thanks again everyone xx

zzzLazyDaisy

At the risk of sounding like a stuck record. Put your claim in to CSA.

You can register the claim on-line or by phone.

Do it now

https://www2.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/setup/apply-by-telephone.asp

Then that will be one more thing to tick off the list

Edit - just to add, there won't be much happening on the divorce front for a while now. He has to sign and return the acknowledgement of service next and he isn't going to be falling over himself to do that in a hurry, so don't feel pressured or hurried along with the divorce - you can mentally file it away for now.

LannieDuck

Oh honey Of course you're feeling upset at the end of a relationship. Whether it was good times or bad, you put a lot into it, and have a lovely DD to show for it, and coming to the end will always be emotional.

Perhaps it's easier for us to focus on the bad things about your OH, and not realise that there were also good moments too. But I think you're going too far the opposite way. You need to remember that this man had you pay of all his debts, and then got into debt again... he didn't 'pay' for a family holiday - since he was in debt, I imagine he put it on the credit card and assumed you'd pay it off sooner or later.

You tried to leave him 4 years ago, and there you were at the start of your thread 4 years later still desperately unhappy. That's 4 years of your life you gave up to try and make it work.