Savings when seperating- scared I will lose it all

Treevo

How is the house purchase going? I think the sooner you've bought it and are in, the more secure you'll feel. He doesn't know where your money came from, right? For all he knows your brother lent it to you to get on the property ladder? Might be worth hinting at that to keep him off the scent until you've bought it. Not in texts or other written communication mind. And I know I sound like a broken record but go to the CSA. At least as someone else said, you can save the money to buy him out should he get anything awarded to him.

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree. PLEASE go to the CSA. It takes them weeks to sort things out and they can only back date to the date you put your claim in. He is already p*d off and angry so nothing you do now is going to make any difference.

Also, re the divorce petition. Please don't respond to his comments or seek to justify yourself. It really isn't worth it, as anything you say will be twisted and thrown back at you. Also if you respond, you engage him, and it will encourage him to continue arguing with you and trying to make you feel bad.

You have a solicitor. First just ignore anything he says about the divorce, and second if you can't do that just tell him 'My solicitor has advised me not to discuss this with you, if you have anything to say you must write to her'.

And then adopt the broken record technique and just keep repeating it.

It might also help you to know that in real terms he can't contest the divorce or make any legal argument about the grounds that you have given for the divorce. This is because the petitioner simply has to say that SHE believes that the marriage has irretrievably broken down and give the examples of the respondent's behaviour which SHE believes makes it unreasonable to expect her to continue to live with him.

No-one is going to quiz you or challenge you on why you feel these things are unreasonable. It will just be accepted that in your view that is the case - and that is enough for the divorce to go through.

Though I do hope he does write to your solicitor and say 'calling you a sh* wife was 'just' a curt comment' as MOST people would find that attitude unreasonable !!!

Dx

Errata

Daisy - Whilst I do acknowledge both your legal and life experience, is this enough to be granted a divorce

No-one is going to quiz you or challenge you on why you feel these things are unreasonable. It will just be accepted that in your view that is the case - and that is enough for the divorce to go through.

TBH I could have divorced my OH every week for decades on those grounds;) and vice versa.
What would prevent someone lying through their teeth and being granted a divorce if the above was sufficient to be granted one?

justme111

teawithmilk wrote: »

Maybe that will finally make him see that I wasnt such a useless rubbish wife who did nothing for him (his words to me!)

Not gonna happen. His self preservation instinct will tell him you are to blame. He wil not.realise that the way it used to be was not right and will blame you for stopping it rather than himself for being complacent. Human nature. So do not expect validation from him. You did not get it while you were together , thats why you split. You do not need it now. I feel for you for having an ex who is financially in a really.not nice situation , I thank god mine is in the top 10% pay now as there was a time when he lived in a caravan and had £400 a month , irrational guilt would have eaten me out (I have.not taken any assets to leave him like that , we just had nothing )

zzzLazyDaisy

Errata wrote: »

Daisy - Whilst I do acknowledge both your legal and life experience, is this enough to be granted a divorce
TBH I could have divorced my OH every week for decades on those grounds;) and vice versa.
What would prevent someone lying through their teeth and being granted a divorce if the above was sufficient to be granted one?

That won't be the only ground of the divorce, there will be a list of things. TWM has just commented on that one thing.

But to answer your question, really, there is nothing to stop someone lying through their teeth, if they are prepared to do so on oath. Few people would though, because the bar is set so low, and there is no real opportunity to contest the divorce.

The thing is that the examples are not the grounds for divorce.

The GROUNDS are that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

The reasons are just the reasons why the petitioner feels it is unreasonable for
her to continue living with the respondent. That is very subjective and while leaving the top off the toothpaste probably wouldn't do it, you'd be surprised what is accepted. One of the main reasons that appears on divorce petitions os with-holding affection. Well when a marriage is breaking down, that's what happens.

Contesting a divorce is HUGELY expensive. There is no legal aid. And it is an outdated concept - these days no court in the land is going say to a wife 'come on now dear, your marriage hasn't really broken down, now run along back to your husband, there's a good girl' (which is pretty much where contesting a divorce originated from).

I agree, you, and probably every married person on MSE could say similar things about their marriage from time to time - the difference is, YOU are not saying that your marriage has irretrievably broken down because you just find this situation too unreasonable to live with...

Or are you...

Errata

Thank you for that, it's very interesting, and "Or are you... " no, but only because I'm a very laid back person and took it all as noise on the line!

teawithmilk

thanks. . .no that comment was not the only g.round for div.orce. The petition also mentioned his drinking, and other things like him not accepting my close relationship with DD. I thought the petition did seem harsh but my solicitor did say that if i toned it down to spare his feelings it wouldnt be accepted. Maybe i should have just seperated from him instead of immediately going for divorce but i just didnt want things to drag on. Over the past two weeks he has refused to talk to me and hasnt tried to fight for our relationship so that says a lot about how much he values it (ie not much)

carefullycautious

teawithmilk wrote: »

Thanks. I know it sounds silly but a tiny part of me is sad that he hasnt said anywhere that he misses us or is upset that we are gone,he is just angry that in his eyes I have been sneaky and devious.

That's because he is loosing control of the situation which suggests you are the victim of DV/mental cruelty. I doubt he knows what love is.


You are going to have to stop corresponding with him and giving mixed messages. Yes discuss your daughters visits but anything else should now go through your solicitor. He is not your responsibility and will have to sort his own housing out in future.

Sorry to say this but you sound as if you are enabling him to be dependant on you. He is a grown man who is going to have a rude awakening by the sound of things

teawithmilk

Thanks. Im back in work today, but feeling really upset. I dont know why I'm feeling so sad today. My sensible side is saying that I should be pleased that after years of being in an unhappy relationship Im finally making some progress- but I am also feeling sad, guilty, and worried that I am doing the right thing. Maybe I should have just seperated from him, maybe I should have just lived in this little rented house for a year and let the dust settle instead of rushing into putting in an offer on another house. Why did i think it was going to be easy or the right decision just to go straight ofr divorce????

I still care about him and if he had behaved just a little differently things might have been different. But Ive been scared to talk to him, I have tried and tried to say how unhappy I have been, even looking back at my posts here shows that I have tried. And I'm hurting that he has had two weeks to try and talk to me and he has shown no emotion at my leaving, up until he got the paperwork through and now all he is showing is anger and blame back at me, he says he is really upset at what I have put in the petition, he is dragging up the past (4 years ago I tried to leave him and he begged me to come back and I did give him umpteen more chances and things never improved really) and he is saying that he has paid for family holidays and that I have thrown all that "kindness" back in his face. He keeps going on and on about me "planning" this as if Ive been evil doing that, and he says that I have had an "agenda" for some time.

And I still have the mess with the tenancy to sort out. I know I have to go to the CSA as soon as I can, I just dont have the energy. I just wish there was someone to give me a cuddle, and just tell me everything will be ok n the end but I feel like im completely on my own.

Just had another solicitors bill e mailled through too to pay. And a call from the estate agent who is selling me the house that i want, but the way Im feeling today I feel like cancelling it all- the divorce, the house everything. The joke is that even if I said "OK darling Im cancelling the divorce and coming back" he wouldnt want me back- or if he did it would be on his terms- so there you go that proves my point, but it doesnt stop me feeling crap about myself.

zzzLazyDaisy

All of this is normal. You are grieving for the loss of a dream, and you wanted him to love you and complete the fairy tale. Even now, you are yearning for a life that never existed with a man who is long gone, if he ever really existed.

Of course you are sad. Your marriage has ended. But you have to concentrate on what is best for you and your daughter.

You also have to focus on your work. If you lose your job things will be a whole lot worse.

Dx