Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

lady1964 wrote: »

Hi Jack,

I haven't got any advice to offer really as I've never been in your situation and hope to hell that I never am. It sounds like you're going through a really terrible time and I really feel for you.

I'm appalled that your wife is expecting you to support her and her seemingly apparent refusal to find work. I can, to an extent, understand her bitterness without knowing the reasons for your break-up, however as a woman, I cannot fathom how she expects you to fund her, especially given your kids are grown up and she is able to work.

I know it's not easy to find work, I didn't work for 14 years while my 3 dd's were growing up but I got back to a totally different type of work through volunteering and have worked ever since (apart from a year out fairly recently due to circumstances beyond my control). When I had to get a job last year, I got one within a month.

She can re-train or volunteer to have something to add to her CV.

I absolutely applaud you for wanting to still provide for your adult children, what a great dad you must be and I'm sure your kids will realise that in time - hopefully sooner rather than later.

Stay strong & determined, take all the excellent advice that you've been given and please keep updating with what's happening.

Sorry to say this but women like your (ex) wife are giving those of us who have pride in our ability to work/support ourselves a bad name!

Thanks for those kind words really need them I feel very lost and confused so appreciate the support.

Mojisola

lady1964 wrote: »

I'm appalled that your wife is expecting you to support her and her seemingly apparent refusal to find work. I can, to an extent, understand her bitterness without knowing the reasons for your break-up, however as a woman, I cannot fathom how she expects you to fund her, especially given your kids are grown up and she is able to work.

I feel the same way.

If a woman gave up paid work because a couple agreed that she should be the home maker and child raiser, there would be an argument for some transitional maintenance for herself because looking for work after many years out of the job market would be difficult. Even in this case, she couldn't expect to live life to the same standard as when there was only one household to pay for.

I find the way she is refusing to claim benefits or help herself in any way really reprehensible. With a job history behind her and children who are almost independent, she should be taking responsibility for her own life.

Lunar_Eclipse

lady1964 wrote: »

I'm appalled that your wife is expecting you to support her and her seemingly apparent refusal to find work. I can, to an extent, understand her bitterness without knowing the reasons for your break-up, however as a woman, I cannot fathom how she expects you to fund her, especially given your kids are grown up and she is able to work.

I'm going to comment on this because lots of people have said the same thing. I have no idea why anyone is believing the wife on this: she is simply playing the divorce game.

The reality is she will no doubt start working again at some point in the future because she will need to. Everyone will know that, her included. However ...

The wife will have been advised not to do this until after the financial settlement, given her history as a SAHM & thus probable entitlement to spousal maintenance. It's all basically a very emotional, horrible game. The only winners are the solicitors.

OP: just go through the motions, try to act fairly whilst not giving a mile and if at all possible, detach yourself as much as you can since you sadly can't really trust anyone in this.

JackRS

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I'm going to comment on this because lots of people have said the same thing. I have no idea why anyone is believing the wife on this: she is simply playing the divorce game.

The reality is she will no doubt start working again at some point in the future because she will need to. Everyone will know that, her included. However ...

The wife will have been advised not to do this until after the financial settlement, given her history as a SAHM & thus probable entitlement to spousal maintenance. It's all basically a very emotional, horrible game. The only winners are the solicitors.

OP: just go through the motions, try to act fairly whilst not giving a mile and if at all possible, detach yourself as much as you can since you sadly can't really trust anyone in this.

Thanks yes I agree she's been led by solicitor and told me last week that she's been advised to stay in the house as long as possible. When a while back she wanted to move south asap and would stay with parents but think she's been advised it will weaken her case?

kelpie35

JackRS wrote: »

Thanks yes I agree she's been led by solicitor and told me last week that she's been advised to stay in the house as long as possible. When a while back she wanted to move south asap and would stay with parents but think she's been advised it will weaken her case?

I agree with you 100%.

You now need to make her life as difficult as possible.

Only give her the minimum she requires to live off next month, not what she wants.

Hope your new solicitor, you see tomorrow, is on the ball.

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

I agree with you 100%.

You now need to make her life as difficult as possible.

Only give her the minimum she requires to live off next month, not what she wants.

Hope your new solicitor, you see tomorrow, is on the ball.

Yeah so do I costing more than I have and unlike th ecurrent solicitor doesn't take credit card payment!

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

Thanks yes I agree she's been led by solicitor and told me last week that she's been advised to stay in the house as long as possible.

So she has absolutely no reason now not to be looking for work?

Treevo

Unless the maintenance given is proportional to the benefits that she should be claiming. So if she can claim £300 a month or whatever JSA then the maintenance should reflect that. Then she'll be forced to claim.

JackRS

Mojisola wrote: »

So she has absolutely no reason now not to be looking for work?

No but you know her view will be very different as intend to move south etc. She wrote a while back when I suggested ideas on how to increase her income that it seemed I was keen to for her to find alternative income so I didn't have to pay as much, she doesn't see that as a motivation, obviously....

Clearly as mentioned earlier she won't get a job as it'll effect the maximum she can get from the settlement.

duchy

Really is it any wonder so many fathers become estranged from their (younger) kids when wives are encouraged by society to behave like this. Women are told they must do right by their kids so it's ok to behave this way.

Bleah