Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

If you are still paying the mortgage surely you have a right to enter your own home :eek:

Has she replied to your solicitor's letter yet?

Mortgage is paid so we own it outright, so yes and she hasn't refused me access yet.

I'm guessing her actions with my stuff was her reply?

RAS

JackRS wrote: »

Mortgage is paid so we own it outright, so yes and she hasn't refused me access yet.

I'm guessing her actions with my stuff was her reply?

I thought she had told you that all comms were to be via her solicitor? So she texts you??

Keep the text and I think write to her solicitor reminding him that as joint owner you are allowed into the house and that your ex has a duty to keep your property adequately secured.

You are being far too reasonable. You do not need her permission to go to the house.

kelpie35

RAS wrote: »

I thought she had told you that all comms were to be via her solicitor? So she texts you??

Keep the text and I think write to her solicitor reminding him that as joint owner you are allowed into the house and that your ex has a duty to keep your property adequately secured.

You are being far too reasonable. You do not need her permission to go to the house.

Have to agree with you.

OP you need to take control and show her that you deserve respect.

You are giving her too much control.

janninew

JackRS wrote: »

I gave my wife 2 days notice of a pending visit for me to collect some things. She said the time I proposed wasn’t convenient so I agreed to half hour later. Just before I got there she text to tell me ‘Have moved your stuff out of my bedroom to the spare room. What you don’t take I will put in shed’. So sure enough in the spare room 5 bin liners with all my clothes piled in! Thing is where I’m staying I have no wardrobe so live out of a case. I wrote back telling her she was being unreasonable and as it was my house also my things should be left in the spare room as in the shed they will get damp and ruined. They’ll probably be burned on the front lawn next?

The time wasn't convenient? Surely you have a key so can let yourself into your jointly owned home?! Also if she isn't working it can't be that hard for her to arrange a time that suits. I've been where you are now a few years ago and my ex moved out of the house but use to come back to collect his bits, my solicitor told me I had no legal right not to allow him access to our shared home. You are being very understanding is all I can say!

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

Have to agree with you.

OP you need to take control and show her that you deserve respect.

You are giving her too much control.

Yes but surely I must contnue to be reasonable otherwise it'll be used against me. Remember she and the children hate me and think I'm being unreasonable for leaving and not wanting to give them all of my salary like they were used to.

JackRS

janninew wrote: »

The time wasn't convenient? Surely you have a key so can let yourself into your jointly owned home?! Also if she isn't working it can't be that hard for her to arrange a time that suits. I've been where you are now a few years ago and my ex moved out of the house but use to come back to collect his bits, my solicitor told me I had no legal right not to allow him access to our shared home. You are being very understanding is all I can say!

Yes I have a key but they don't want to see me and don't want me in the house so I give them warning so they are out of the house. I am respecting their wishes, again trying to be reasonable.

Right now I'm also feeling very bitter towards them, if the kids really don't want me I may as well give up trying as all the rejections I'm getting are hard to deal with. Obviously they also feel rejected and abandoned, I get that, but they have to remain loyal to their mum. My daughter has a gig that she's playing in, in a few weeks, she's text me to ask me not to come. It's my wife's birthday in a couple of weeks, I suggested to the kids that I'd transfer them some money so they could get something for their mum, doesn't feel appropriate now.

RAS

I suggest that you start to log all your ex's responses to your requests.

Evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

By the way, has it occured to you that one reason she wants a divorce quickly is that once junior passes his 18th birthday, you no longer have any children, just a dependent young adult?

And my guess is that disrupting his A level education so he has to do 3 years in college is in part an attempt to ensure you have to pay out longer. I was gob-smacked when you said she was pullling him out of college part way through the course.

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

I suggest that you start to log all your ex's responses to your requests.

Evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

By the way, has it occured to you that one reason she wants a divorce quickly is that once junior passes his 18th birthday, you no longer have any children, just a dependent young adult?

And my guess is that disrupting his A level education so he has to do 3 years in college is in part an attempt to ensure you have to pay out longer. I was gob-smacked when you said she was pullling him out of college part way through the course.

Yes I am sending email transcript of all texts to my solicitor, which is also racking up my bill!

To clarify son was doing A-level at local school started September 2012 and as normal for a lad has not applied himself and lost interest in the first term. He decided well before I left home that he wanted to scrap A levels and go to college to do a more specific business studies. I encouraged him to do his best this year and at least get some AS levels for the 4 subjects. He continued not to apply himself despite me trying to go through work with him and working through past papers.

So yes I've no doubt he'll be quick to blame his failing his AS exams on me and what's happening, clearly it won't help but I don't think he’d have done much better.

The plan was to go to a local (12 miles) college for the next 2 years on a new course. Now they have apparently decided to move south he will go to a college in that area.

I thought it was more if they were still in education that makes the difference? He'll be 18 in February, 8 months time. Is there really any effect on the divorce timing?

glossgal

OP I think you're confusing being assertive with being cruel in some way-it is quite possible to be a fair and reasonable person without being a sap. I hope that doesn't come across as patronising but I've known a few people with the 'meek and mild' personality type over the years and nearly all of them have ended up in this kind of victim situation because they couldn't-or wouldn't- see the difference between the two.

Regarding your children, I was 18 when my parents spilt, my mums choice. I must admit to some resentment towards her but I was an ADULT and could see both sides, it certainly didn't affect my education as quite frankly I wasn't really that interested in their relationship. I think at that age they should have bigger fish to fry. I hope you don't mind me saying but I get the impression you have spoilt both them and your wife to the point you may have 'created a monster'. If they hate you so much then why are they accepting driving lesson money off you? I would knock that on the head pronto, give them notice if you must ie I'll pay for the next 10 lessons then no more. They are adults at 18 and 19 and could easily fund it from a part time job- they need to get into the real world or they will find life very tough from now on in. Ultimately they will never respect you unless you show some to yourself.

JackRS

glossgal wrote: »

OP I think you're confusing being assertive with being cruel in some way-it is quite possible to be a fair and reasonable person without being a sap. I hope that doesn't come across as patronising but I've known a few people with the 'meek and mild' personality type over the years and nearly all of them have ended up in this kind of victim situation because they couldn't-or wouldn't- see the difference between the two.

Regarding your children, I was 18 when my parents spilt, my mums choice. I must admit to some resentment towards her but I was an ADULT and could see both sides, it certainly didn't affect my education as quite frankly I wasn't really that interested in their relationship. I think at that age they should have bigger fish to fry. I hope you don't mind me saying but I get the impression you have spoilt both them and your wife to the point you may have 'created a monster'. If they hate you so much then why are they accepting driving lesson money off you? I would knock that on the head pronto, give them notice if you must ie I'll pay for the next 10 lessons then no more. They are adults at 18 and 19 and could easily fund it from a part time job- they need to get into the real world or they will find life very tough from now on in. Ultimately they will never respect you unless you show some to yourself.

First can you just tell me what OP is I've been called it a few times so I should probably confirm. Is it 'Original Poster'?

I understand what your saying and I am following the advice of my solicitor and continuing with my original proposal that my wife originally refused for the period until settlement is agreed. You remember that the possible outcome of this at financial settlement is that my wife will receive 60% of house sale value, half my pension, a spouse allowance (due to earning capacity and how long since worked), children in education allowance, lump sums etc. I will also have to pay all legal costs. So we are trying to ensure that the steps I take are reasonable and continue to be so to give me the best chance.

I’m not defending myself from your comment I recognise I’m not that assertive as I’m trying to minimise the effect to the children. Yes you are correct they’ve all had it easy and are continuing to expect the same. The driving lesson thing came about when we finished paying the mortgage in 2011 thought it would be good for my daughter to get that under her belt so made the offer. Knowing if we did it for one we’d have to do it for my son when he was 17 Feb this year. So yes they hate me but I really don’t want them to go through life thinking that I took this chance away from them because I didn’t want to be with their mum anymore. In my proposal that I discussed with my wife I said I would continue paying for driving lessons for this year. However I agree with your point if they really had such high principles they wouldn’t want anything from me including driving lessons. Right now that and £50 a month I give them is the only connection I have. So yes I may be a sap for letting them use me this way but I may also regret it if I didn’t. Believe me I’ve had moments when I think why should I, why don’t they take responsibility. For example if it was the other way round and I was left with no income and the kids I would do all I could to earn some money and get them to earn some to do what they wanted. However the ‘monster’ clearly has a different tact and feels content to get what she can out of me first.

Yes agree with the real world comment and in the past when they’ve wanted something we have made them earn it including jobs round the house etc. My background is a poor one so I always had to earn everything I ever got. My wife’s background is different her mum didn’t work and her father is wealthy so has a different mind set.