Separated, how much should I provide?

enthusiasticsaver

I have followed your journey Jack from lurking on your thread, which is very popular and am astounded first of all in this day and age that a woman the age your ex wife is has no earning power and never felt the need to go out and earn her own money. My husband is well paid and we could probably have afforded to live on just his wage but apart from 3-4 years when our daughters were tiny I have always worked part time and even full time when they were at university. I did that for the self respect that earning my own money gave me and it enabled us to have nice holidays, secure income and my own pension in years to come because as we know marriages do not always last even with the best will in the world.


If she had only been reasonable at the time of the separation, and yes I know it was your choice to separate but it takes two people usually to break a marriage (apart from cruelty cases) then you would both have saved a packet in solicitor's costs. It does seem that the only people who get rich from divorce are lawyers. I know a clean break is probably best for you in terms of her not being able to claim your pension in years to come but it seems so unfair that she gets a mortgage free property and you have to start again simply because she was too lazy to go out and get a job or did you discourage her from that when you were married? Your children are hardly children any more.

ampersand

JackRS wrote: »

Thanks RAS it's a good point, probably best to treat them separately and do the absolute directly without solicitors

#
Jack, I thought RAS was advising twiglet with that post, but no reason why you can't, I daresay.

RAS

Correct ampersand it was for twiglet.

Sure JackRS would have loved to come to a mutually acceptable agreement with the ex minus the lawyer's fees.

But given her starting point was 100% of the house, the bulk of his income and the bulk of his pension, because she was entitled to the standard of life to which she was accustomed............

JackRS - if they ask about spousal maintenance and it looks likely, make sure you have details of the cost of the mortgage you are going to have to take out over the next 15-20 years, assuming that the rate will increase. Ask the judge to take your additional annual expense into account.

You have never explained why you decided to end your marriage but boy you must have felt it very very strongly because the financial cost is very high for you.

My two pennyworth is that whatever your brought home; I suspect she would spend it and show little respect in exchange.

Deeeliteful

Mojisola - The debts that Jack has had to run up in order to keep paying his ex her money show very clearly that he can't afford to continue with maintenance.

I understand exactly what you are saying, but it appears the Court does not look at it this way, the simple fact by paying for "everything" and having no disposable income after doing that is not taking into account - why I don'y know.

As I stated, I know someone who this is happening to right now. According to Wikidivorce paying is an "indication" of ability to pay spousal maintenance - whether or not you have nothing left at the end of the month seems to be irrelevant. Read up on it I was quite shocked to find what you could claim for especially this and claim it "for life".

If there is anyone on here with more legal knowledge maybe they could clarify this situation concerning Spousal Maintenance - and capitalisation of this i.e. pay a lump sum to have a clean break agreement.

thorsoak

Deeliteful - might I respectfully suggest that you read the whole thread (all 120 pages of it) so that you get a fuller picture of the whole situation, the advice that Jack has been given, the advice which he has taken, and how he and his soon to be ex have arrived at the point at which they are now.

Jack - so far as your son is concerned, if he is an intelligent sort of lad, he will read the papers, and will be aware of the comments made by Lord Justice Pickford recently in the case of the Wright divorce. This may start him thinking that maybe his mother is not really a plaster saint!

justme111

He does not "pay for everything ". He pays csa and a car .
Re cost of divorce for him and him must having very good reasons for breaking it - freedom is priceless.

JackRS

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I have followed your journey Jack from lurking on your thread, which is very popular and am astounded first of all in this day and age that a woman the age your ex wife is has no earning power and never felt the need to go out and earn her own money. My husband is well paid and we could probably have afforded to live on just his wage but apart from 3-4 years when our daughters were tiny I have always worked part time and even full time when they were at university. I did that for the self respect that earning my own money gave me and it enabled us to have nice holidays, secure income and my own pension in years to come because as we know marriages do not always last even with the best will in the world.


If she had only been reasonable at the time of the separation, and yes I know it was your choice to separate but it takes two people usually to break a marriage (apart from cruelty cases) then you would both have saved a packet in solicitor's costs. It does seem that the only people who get rich from divorce are lawyers. I know a clean break is probably best for you in terms of her not being able to claim your pension in years to come but it seems so unfair that she gets a mortgage free property and you have to start again simply because she was too lazy to go out and get a job or did you discourage her from that when you were married? Your children are hardly children any more.

Thanks so much for your comments. I‘ll try and explain the scenario that led toher not working. Before the children sheworked full time in an admin role for a large international well known company. While the children where younger she had anumber of jobs to fit around the children such as working weekends at estateagent and as courier for Next. Once thechildren were at school she got a part time (20 hours/week) job as a Teaching Assistant,she did this for around 5 years but it was getting more and moredemanding. She was expected to attendadditional courses in her own time to reach the required level to be able coverclasses to free teachers for lesson planning. She found this demanding and was concernedas she never wanted to be a teacher. Soat that time she came to me with a proposal that she wanted to stop working soshe could be at home with her dog, keep on top of the domestic jobs, foodshopping etc. The benefit to me was thatI wouldn’t have to do any of those jobs at the weekends except cut the grassand decorating projects etc
I raised my concern of reduction of income forthe household, to which she said we could manage by budgeting. So I agreed to try it but to continue to seeif a more suitable job came up in the meantime. She continued to do voluntary work at the school helping out a day weekand at an animal sanctuary 2 mornings a week but obviously these were notpaid. Over the years since then I hadencouraged her to consider jobs that came up but obviously nothing really ‘capturedher imagination’. During Summer/Autumn2013 she attended some courses to bring her office software skills up to datebut didn’t want to apply for jobs in the current area as intended to move southand various other reasons such as advised (my guess) by her solicitor best notto be working but demonstrate she has applied for plenty etc

RAS

So the important thing is that you never agreed as a couple that she should sacrifice her career to allow you to develop your career.

There was an agreement that she could stop doing a stressful job in the short -term but an expectation that she would return to work at least part time.

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

So the important thing is that you never agreed as a couple that she should sacrifice her career to allow you to develop your career.

There was an agreement that she could stop doing a stressful job in the short -term but an expectation that she would return to work at least part time.

Oh yes, definitely not a sacrifice on her part more her preference.

There was an option following the period of maternity leave to return to admin job she had before the children, the company offered a 25% salary increase incentive for mothers to return to work full time. However it was her preference not to return to work as she wanted to stay home with the children, something I agreed with as child care arrangement were difficult with no family in the area. We'd have to resort to paying for childcare which would taken a big chunk of the earnings so we agreed as I was earning more that I would continue to work.

For the record I'm not really a career driven person I think of it as a job to pay for life, so very much a work to live, I don't enjoy my work but my singing and dancing aren't so great so I do what I am good at but it's not my passion.

Not so much an expectation she would return to work but that she would look out for opportunities that were more suitable.

Marisco

In other words, she joined the "ladies who lunch" brigade, found she liked doing nothing, and is now carking herself because she might have to do a spot of work, so thinks she can bleed Jack dry to keep her very nice lifestyle going! What a piece of work!