Separated, how much should I provide?

ecgirl07

An other vote for the CSA minimum.Put the difference into a bank acc So if you have to pay it in the future you have it. Time to play hardball and get this done asap. Get her to take you to Court asap else you will be bled dry between now and a Court Date

trix-a-belle

CH27 wrote: »

Oh Jack she is bonkers! I would start mentioning her future inheritance will have to be included in any calculations.

Are your parents in touch with your children?

Jack I have to agree with CH27 here, I know you have said you won't go for her future inheritance but consider it as a warning shot across her bow & ask for it to be taken into account in the pot as she is taking your future salary expectations in which are not guaranteed.

I get the feeling she may have been playing the "poor me I will never ever ever have anything" card to her solicitor & neglected to mention it, not strictly need to be brought up but shows her up as even more brazen with the current act knowing what a chunk she will end up with.

Also, I don't recall if you've mentioned, I hope the pension valuations are being kept at the valuation from last year, ie when you separated, otherwise she will continue to get it valued & go for the higher amounts & gives no reason for it to be resolved soon. Please make sure this is understood.

Re the mediator, I would put in a letter of concern about their conduct as, as previously mentioned, they have not been neutral through your process.

Also her request for you to continue to supply her with a company car, speak to your employer but I would think this can be shut down quite quick, as she will no longer be your spouse I would expect the company car scheme to revoke her as she is not a partner or family member. Get a letter of proof.

Please look after yourself, take some time out where possible & talk with your employer/doctor/counsellor as you need, let her see that expense & suck on it!

Mojisola

trix-a-belle wrote: »

Jack I have to agree with CH27 here, I know you have said you won't go for her future inheritance but consider it as a warning shot across her bow & ask for it to be taken into account in the pot as she is taking your future salary expectations in which are not guaranteed.

With the way she's behaving, you have to use every bit of ammunition that you can.

I don't suppose that you would claim anything from her inheritance but that shouldn't stop you using it as a bargaining chip.

Gigervamp

gonzo127 wrote: »

is your son responsible enough to look after himself? if so have you considered cutting back on support for her and giving it direct to son? maybe by getting him set up in a nice little rental property on his own? could he manage this or would this along with studying be too much for him at the moment, only you know this

I was wondering this too. As son is fed up of living with the grandparents, how much would a room share or sudio flat/bedsit cost where he is? It would give him some independence and brownie points to you for enabling it. Might be an idea to have a look on Zoopla and Rightmove to get an idea of costs.

JackRS

mgdavid wrote: »

Not good news Jack - but not bad either! It does sound as if her side have realised you are not going to just roll over. Therefore eventually a negotiated position will be reached. When people realise they are in an untenable position they often need to be helped gently out of it, not giving everything up all at once but moving towards the eventual outcome in little steps and stages. You have to view a court hearing as an investment not a cost; what can happen is both sides legal reps get together just before the court time and thrash out a deal which they then present to the officials and judge. My advice would be to get a barrister in for the day, might cost about £1k but in my experience well worth it. Drop me a PM if you'd like more details of this approach and how it worked out.

Thanks yes my solicitor has advised me of that approach and the barrister will cost 1500 for the day. Would like to know the details of your experience if you can pm me please.

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

What would happen -legally....if you simply stopped paying her anything over and above CSA level payments ?

My guess is nothing (well your mobile might melt with furious texts) until you went to court- at which point you'd be showing that after 18 months of more than generous support you stopped supporting her.....and Oh look she didn't starve or die but got off her backside and either moved in with Mummy and Daddy or got a job (or both) or claimed benefits . You continued to pay your legal obligations to your son (assuming she is still claiming CB) but felt it was time you encouraged her to face the future and mediation wasn't doing that.

Is this really such an unthinkable scenario ? (obviously you could take over paying for stuff for the kids she currently pays like contact lenses- a bit of cash in their pockets etc)

(It also stops the rather dangerous precendence you are setting for spousal support as an expectation- at this rate the court could turn around and say she's had it for 3 years it would be unfair to stop it now)

My solicitor has previously advised against it as previously when paying 1000 I had a maintenance pending suite summons so I increased it to avoid that as it was going to cost 4000 in fees etc. So she thinks if I stopped they'd issue another, not sure how long it would take to get to court but it's the fees that would make it a risk. I know my solicitor would advise against it.

duchy

JackRS wrote: »

My solicitor has previously advised against it as previously when paying 1000 I had a maintenance pending suite summons so I increased it to avoid that as it was going to cost 4000 in fees etc. So she thinks if I stopped they'd issue another, not sure how long it would take to get to court but it's the fees that would make it a risk. I know my solicitor would advise against it.

Or even if it came to court first- you might be awarded lower maintainance. That advice from your solicitor was a long time ago - I wonder with so much time having passed the advice would be the same ?

JackRS

gonzo127 wrote: »

sorry been following for a while but not felt like i needed to comment before now, however i agree with the above, you need to change things, reduce how much you are giving her as she really doesnt need it, take it to court, get a barrister and have an end to it, BUT some other suggestions to consider,

is your son responsible enough to look after himself? if so have you considered cutting back on support for her and giving it direct to son? maybe by getting him set up in a nice little rental property on his own? could he manage this or would this along with studying be too much for him at the moment, only you know this

car, how much do you pay on a lease? have you considered just 'buying' a new car and cancelling the lease - of course i dont know what you can afford, but a brand new car can be got for £6k (a dacia), she might hate it but you would have provided a car new with warranty and all she has got to do is pay for upkeep, just wipes an out going off the list, and in a small way could be seen as sticking your fingers up at her by giving her a bottom of the range car, when im betting she is used to something flashy

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm sure like all of us he would become capable to manage on his own however I believe he would rather be living with his mum. It's idea to explore but at the moment he's not replying to anything so obviously wants me cut off from him.

The car I can provide to anyone I choose and can have up to 3 cars plus my own car. The scheme costs £185/m for her car but have to keep the mileage to under 18000 for the year. The monthly charge fully inclusive of insurance, servicing, tax etc only additional cost is fuel.

JackRS

trix-a-belle wrote: »

Jack I have to agree with CH27 here, I know you have said you won't go for her future inheritance but consider it as a warning shot across her bow & ask for it to be taken into account in the pot as she is taking your future salary expectations in which are not guaranteed.

I get the feeling she may have been playing the "poor me I will never ever ever have anything" card to her solicitor & neglected to mention it, not strictly need to be brought up but shows her up as even more brazen with the current act knowing what a chunk she will end up with.

Also, I don't recall if you've mentioned, I hope the pension valuations are being kept at the valuation from last year, ie when you separated, otherwise she will continue to get it valued & go for the higher amounts & gives no reason for it to be resolved soon. Please make sure this is understood.

Re the mediator, I would put in a letter of concern about their conduct as, as previously mentioned, they have not been neutral through your process.

Also her request for you to continue to supply her with a company car, speak to your employer but I would think this can be shut down quite quick, as she will no longer be your spouse I would expect the company car scheme to revoke her as she is not a partner or family member. Get a letter of proof.

Please look after yourself, take some time out where possible & talk with your employer/doctor/counsellor as you need, let her see that expense & suck on it!

Yes pension transfer value is from last summer, 6 months after seperation. She keeps suggesting I should get the latest value as she feels it would be worth more now. I've explained that it'll be based on the point when cohibitating stopped. I guess she will contnue to push that request.

Not sure what I can do about mediator or my solicitor.

ampersand

Jack, like every single one on your support Thread here I'm sure, I'm just feeling flayed and astounded by her insatiable, greedy madness.
She is becoming a lot worse, not better.

I just cannot see that the Mediator is MEDIATING at all. As they are not regulated, there is no body to whom your[our:-)]concerns can be legitimately put.

Increasingly, I am concerned by the previous history, professional notwithstanding, between her and your solicitor.

Forgive me for just having googled - 'family+law+rottweiler+solicitor'. Among what DID come up was this:
http://www.resolution.org.uk/

I don't know where it leads, haven't time to investigate now. My initial thought was
'and I can see Jack being strung out and bled by a clever and /or oomphless operator, just as now' - however, the fact that they ARE solicitors, you choose, might be an avenue. I would be very wary of ex playing simpering/helpless victim - but she is doing that already and will not change in any theatre.

Following the barrister path also requires a 'glove fit' for you Jack and someone nifty on his /her tootsies. I pray that mgdavid's experience can trigger a turning point.

We just want the odds evened up somewhat, speaks a pensioner on £145 pw, who lost all with late OH's suicide+a subsequent 'campaign of terror'[police terminology].

I think, too, of gigervamp's simple statement of a shortened life prognosis.

There must be many here who MUST daily find ways of coping, confronting, easing, resolving difficulties of all kinds in family and work. It's the business of living.

Jack, why do you allow succubus-ex so much direct access to you? It is so poisonous and feeds her as it drains you. Even if she exercised normal brain function and mindset, any acceptable i.e. decent and fair, proposal would have to be on paper anyway.
#
'at the moment he's not replying to anything so obviously wants me cut off from him.'

I wouldn't be so sure of that, Jack. He's a teenage boy/young man. Head down/ survive/path of least resistance/anything for a quiet life........all are in the mix. Hitting out is so often aimed at the sure soft target of unconditional love. You continue to tell him you are proud of him being in work and leaving the pathway open.

Your daughter is wiser to the ways of wimmin, viz her mother.

Lamely, I just have to close at usual - with caring wishes and assurance of remaining with you for the long haul.