Separated, how much should I provide?

justme111

Jack , I would ponder letting your son know you.could help with shared accommodation costs (if you think it is appropriate of course) while sultaneously stopping payments to ex / reducing them by that amount. Your ex does not.have to be intermediary in your financial.support of children, youay well give.them what you.think.is appropriate yourself and put it.in your form E ..

ampersand

'Your ex does not.have to be intermediary in your financial.support of children'

Good point - is it workable jack?

Ex loses another poison dart from her armoury when scales drop from son's eyes, so of course she wants to cling on. Your son is caught in a programmed, scripted episode of emotional blackmail. The decency which is part of what he KNOWS, SEES in you - 20+ years of good exemplar - conflicts with what's on auto-loop from ex. He is a young man. At some instinctive level, 'protect the female' is there, as is Loyalty.

He can't, won't abandon her entirely, but he's not stupid either. A few years along the line, THE young woman in his Life will break the spell AND those strangling 'ties that bind'. Ex won't like that, I'll wager.

You'll be there Jack - open, safe harbour, delighted for him, welcoming.

Thinking of you today, a grey, misty, dripping dawn here - but it will clear:-)

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

JackRS

Advise your solicitor to get a court date. If she offers round table, point out that you have already sat round the table several times and there appears to be no possibility of agreement.

I wrote to my solicitor the following yesterday

I’m reluctant to share this as it just seems to generate further cost and no progress, so my request is that we get the court hearing date established asap. I remember it was postponed from February for 6 months not sure what that means from point of view of next available date but can we get it set up please. I don’t feel further negotiating is getting anywhere as I already feel I’ve offered more than I’m comfortable with, these continued delaying tactics of hers while she continues to holiday in a new car on the coast are just wasting time and money. Her attitude and the mediators attitude towards made me feel that I was being unreasonable and I didn’t feel it was unbiased. In fact I feel there are other forces and tactic at work here and I am not prepared to put up with this game and her playing the poor victim any longer. The way things are going I may as well resign.

Her proposal was:

Split house 50/50 but keep our own debts so if sold 300K:

Me = 150K – 16K = 134K

Her = 150K-10K= 140K

She then proposed a compromise in the pension share figure in terms of the cash equivalent of her interest in my pension due to the difference in opinion (1/3 rule of thumb or hers 2/3) so she suggested using ½ and also mentioned again that the value of mine today or when it is eventually agreed would be more and we should be using that figure!

So cash equivalent sum for her to not have any interest in my pension would be 56K

Therefore proposed asset split in lieu of any interest in my pension would be:

Me 134K – 56K = 78K

Her 140K + 56K = 196K

However would need a mortgage around 30K to buy the house she ‘needed’

Then suggested that reviewing over the last 3 months her bank account kept a neutral balance and with her income currently at 1850 a month assuming she got a job at 1000 a month. She’d need me to pay her additionally a minimum of 850 a month for unlimited period and that actually this didn’t allow for holidays ‘which were an important part of our lives’ and would also need additional to cover the mortgage she’d need. The provision of the car wasn’t discussed but obviously she’d expect that or additional payment to make up the cost to provide and run a car.

Mediator suggested next step was a round table with our solicitors, I don’t believe that this is worthwhile as it will just generate significant additional costs and will not be any better than the compromise proposal I have made which on further reflection I am not prepared to offer.

Yes the court hearing is a costly option but it’s what we were planning to do last February and the projected cost were based on that and I feel with a good barrister representing me I have a better chance of a fair and reasonable outcome. I have requested Mediator to send signed mediation certificate for proof at the court hearing, I believe it’s required.

Angry_Bear

My opinion (for what it's worth) is that you've made the right decision. Whichever way court goes for you, at least you'll have a conclusion to it all.

Good luck

justme111

O jack I live the way you talk !!:D
So concise polite educated and eloquent.
Is it just me with my weakness for well spoken men or have other noticed it as well ?
On a subject - she has moved towards agreement on a few issues , it looks good to me in all but maintenance and that one is a huge sticking point , as you have completely different take on it from your ex. In her opinion you are meant to cover shortfall she has in her desired lifestyle , in your opinion (and mine and many others ' ) you do not.

justme111

Ps.
Not sure if it would be worthwhile to mention the aspects in which you have changed your position during mediation just to make a point you have tried to negotiate - like agreed to increased % your ex would have from the house sale or debt split her way etc

duchy

For what its worth I think you've made the correct decision.

You can't go on like this indefinitely without doing serious damage to your physical and mental heath. A good barrister (one with rottweiler tendencies preferably - maybe make sure the one your solicitor is suggesting has those qualities or find your own) and a reasonably soon court date and once settled you can move forward.

JackRS

I am sorry to hear that the further mediation session was unsuccessful.

I agree that we should proceed with re-instating the application to the court. I am also of the view that if mediation was unsuccessful, I struggle to see that a round table meeting would be.

You are right, you will need Mediator to provide me with what is known as a Form FM1.

I will write to the court to see whether they will re-instate the application without a formal application and court fee, but please do bear in mind that they may insist that the formal application (and further court fee) are necessary.

kelpie35

JackRS wrote: »

I wrote to my solicitor the following yesterday

I’m reluctant to share this as it just seems to generate further cost and no progress, so my request is that we get the court hearing date established asap. I remember it was postponed from February for 6 months not sure what that means from point of view of next available date but can we get it set up please. I don’t feel further negotiating is getting anywhere as I already feel I’ve offered more than I’m comfortable with, these continued delaying tactics of hers while she continues to holiday in a new car on the coast are just wasting time and money. Her attitude and the mediators attitude towards made me feel that I was being unreasonable and I didn’t feel it was unbiased. In fact I feel there are other forces and tactic at work here and I am not prepared to put up with this game and her playing the poor victim any longer. The way things are going I may as well resign.

Her proposal was:

Split house 50/50 but keep our own debts so if sold 300K:

Me = 150K – 16K = 134K

Her = 150K-10K= 140K

She then proposed a compromise in the pension share figure in terms of the cash equivalent of her interest in my pension due to the difference in opinion (1/3 rule of thumb or hers 2/3) so she suggested using ½ and also mentioned again that the value of mine today or when it is eventually agreed would be more and we should be using that figure!

So cash equivalent sum for her to not have any interest in my pension would be 56K

Therefore proposed asset split in lieu of any interest in my pension would be:

Me 134K – 56K = 78K

Her 140K + 56K = 196K

However would need a mortgage around 30K to buy the house she ‘needed’

Then suggested that reviewing over the last 3 months her bank account kept a neutral balance and with her income currently at 1850 a month assuming she got a job at 1000 a month. She’d need me to pay her additionally a minimum of 850 a month for unlimited period and that actually this didn’t allow for holidays ‘which were an important part of our lives’ and would also need additional to cover the mortgage she’d need. The provision of the car wasn’t discussed but obviously she’d expect that or additional payment to make up the cost to provide and run a car.

Mediator suggested next step was a round table with our solicitors, I don’t believe that this is worthwhile as it will just generate significant additional costs and will not be any better than the compromise proposal I have made which on further reflection I am not prepared to offer.

Yes the court hearing is a costly option but it’s what we were planning to do last February and the projected cost were based on that and I feel with a good barrister representing me I have a better chance of a fair and reasonable outcome. I have requested Mediator to send signed mediation certificate for proof at the court hearing, I believe it’s required.

I think this is a very positive attitude you are taking :T

Your post seems to come across that you are not willing to be mucked around any longer and taken for a mug.

I hope you can keep this attitude going for a little longer and there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel for you very, very soon :A

You so deserve to have some peace and happiness come onto your life and if I had a magic wand I could wave I would give it to you immediately.

Please take care and stay strong

JackRS

kelpie35 wrote: »

I think this is a very positive attitude you are taking :T

Your post seems to come across that you are not willing to be mucked around any longer and taken for a mug.

I hope you can keep this attitude going for a little longer and there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel for you very, very soon :A

You so deserve to have some peace and happiness come onto your life and if I had a magic wand I could wave I would give it to you immediately.

Please take care and stay strong

Thank you very mutch your words and many others support on here are of great comfort as I often wonder if I'm being reasonable, based on the feedback I get from ex etc.