Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

....this afternoon for half hour don’t want to think about how much that will cost, oh no I’ve already worked it out without thinking…

It turns out my original calculation on the pension share was correct, she agreed with me to identify properties that were cheaper and in the current area and my explanation that what she is asking for is a want not a need. She recognized that I was concerned at giving away the majority of the cash was putting myself at risk and committing me to a future of loan debt for many years but she thought that in the long term I would be better off now to pay her a greater portion of the house in lieu of the pension and agreed with my suggestions of what I will propose but she advised to try to come to a compromise which meant I kept the pension and maintenance was covered in the cash sum for a clean break. I will obviously have to continue to pay £650/m CSA for another year at least.

CruisingSaver

I just wanted to wish you well for mediation tomorrow Jack


CS

springdreams

Good luck for tomorrow Jack - I hope you make positive progress this time.

duchy

Surely the only reason your son is down South is because she manipulated it that way? I find it hard to believe there were no college courses within travelling distance of the marital home that were equally suitable.

Heck he apparently "hates" living at his grandparents after all !

I would counter with an offer of a settlement that made provision for a two or three bedroom home in your current area . If she wants to move to a more expensive area that is up to her to fund. The marital home area is what is on offer -not the stockbroker belt. (Actually I'd start with a two bed in your home town and let her bargain to a three there or to a two bed in the South)

Had you recently moved away from her home town and parents it might be different but from what you say you've lived where you do for the majority of the children's lives so the social and support network for her is there not Eastbourne or wherever.

RAS

Son is only down south becuase she sent him down there when she intended to move done last year, then changed her mind.

So she gets enough to cover a 2 bed in your current area.

is there any way you can get proof that redundancy and early retirement have been offered by your company JackRS?

I would point out that as a well paid employee you are probably a target, as getting you off the payroll saves more money long-term than losing someone on lower pay.

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

Surely the only reason your son is down South is because she manipulated it that way? I find it hard to believe there were no college courses within travelling distance of the marital home that were equally suitable.

Heck he apparently "hates" living at his grandparents after all !

I would counter with an offer of a settlement that made provision for a two or three bedroom home in your current area . If she wants to move to a more expensive area that is up to her to fund. The marital home area is what is on offer -not the stockbroker belt. (Actually I'd start with a two bed in your home town and let her bargain to a three there or to a two bed in the South)

Had you recently moved away from her home town and parents it might be different but from what you say you've lived where you do for the majority of the children's lives so the social and support network for her is there not Eastbourne or wherever.

Yes you are correct and this was my point in mediation 2 weeks back.

Bit of history:
The house was selling last summer and her plan was to move south to be closer to family so son already had a plan to go to college in area local to FMH where he was born and spent his life and has friends. Daughter was a year into her course in Birmingham so would of had to change to somewhere on the coast or live with me or by herself (we looked into the options). She didn't want to change location. Son started course and live with ex parents but house sale fell through, so daughter stayed with her mum in FMH and continued to attend in Birmingham.

Actually Son would prefer to be back in FMH area as he has friends that he comes to see although he now has a job in the south (working 40 hrs a week in the summer holidays) runs his own car but doesn't want to live with Grandparents as you can imagine and would rather live with his mum. Actually think my Son has become more dependant in this process and I’m very proud of how he has adjusted but I know it’s not ideal and what he would have wished for obviously and he will always feel resentment towards me. He’s keen to do ‘Americamp’ in 2015 which would be great for his development.

So as I explained to my solicitor yesterday it is her want not need to have a property on the coast, it is not reasonable for me to have to provide so much of the proceeds to meet her demands and to have to pay maintenance. I will identify a value that I am prepared to offer which would buy a property in current area and this would be in return of no pension share or maintenance. I will still pay CSA at £650/m for one more year.

She will not accept this, so I expect we will have to move to court proceedings which will take a further £10K out of the pot in legal fees etc.

ampersand

Good morning Jack - briefly on just to wish you well today.

Record today's session if you can.

Just re-reading [#1652]: [yes Somerset: 'It just feels like your solicitor isn't much of a fighter. That she is 'rolling over' and is compromise-happy.']

Compromise is fine, as per OED defn:
NOUN
An agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions:

It's not happening here.

It's just occurred to me. Have you a hot-shot accountant among friends or colleagues? A good accountant could make professional judgment/headway on ex's figures and yours and advise you well. Has an accountant ever looked at ANY figures?

Have you any friends or colleagues who may have gone through a divorce but seem to have come through in one piece, any scars healed?

Who did they use? Yes, each case is different, but we can cherry-pick from other's experience.
#
Jack, no great lightning bolts for you from me[despite plenty zapping about the Fens yesterday], just full, caring good wishes and strength and belief in a just future for you.
#
Agreed RAS, already asked in #1641

're:[/I]'People at my firm have been offered early retirement and some have been made redundant, so I am not immune from this risk'[/I] - can you annotate this?'

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

Son is only down south becuase she sent him down there when she intended to move done last year, then changed her mind.

So she gets enough to cover a 2 bed in your current area.

is there any way you can get proof that redundancy and early retirement have been offered by your company JackRS?

I would point out that as a well paid employee you are probably a target, as getting you off the payroll saves more money long-term than losing someone on lower pay.

Well the guy that I lived with before renting worked at my company and his role was dissolved as was a number of others I know. There are 5 guys this year at my level who will take early retirement as like you say our level is always a target. It happens at most companies. I’m sure I could get some proof of sorts?

Gigervamp

Nothing to add, but just want to wish you luck today Jack.

gele

Jack, I having been reading your thread intently over the last 2 days [no mean feat in itself!]and I can offer no more words of wisdom than you have already heard. I just want to wish you good luck for today. I fear court might be your final destination however reading your later posts you seem to have toughened up considerably without losing sight of your responsibilities which is just as it should be. You have been, and are still gong through hell with this woman but it cant go on forever. Stay strong and good luck.