Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

CruisingSaver wrote: »

Jack you might want to edit your son's name out of your last post.


I'm sorry the mediation didn't go well yesterday and as others have said it looks like court is your only option now, unfortunately. Your ex doesn't appear to want to compromise one iota

Thanks for that I missed that one I've edited it now.

gele

sorry for my mistake in reading earlier. Regardless of that you have been more than reasonable.
And I think your children are old enough now to realise whats going on, and will not fall for her 'dad doesn't want us to have anywhere nice to live' tactic. If that's the kind of thing she'll say she just sounds like a spoilt brat to me and maybe will to them!
I would be telling her your last offer was THE last offer and otherwise your happy to go to court to settle it there once and for all.
Let her sweat about that while you turn your thoughts to sorting out your accommodation.
Good luck. look after yourself, your health is important too.

Bonfire77

I think it's hilarious that she keeps doing that little pout of, "You're not very nice!" while she stomps her little foot.

Watch that argument hold up in court... it won't.

Is she still driving around in your company car while turning down perfectly good job offers because she needs more time to decide where to live? She cracks me up. Please remove that crutch Jack, ASAP. After all "you're not being very nice", remember?!

Mediation just seems to be an expensive sham if you ask me. My opinion is that a female mediator is not working. Just as I think you would be better off with a male solicitor. Sorry, but there is no such thing as unbiased. I understand why you chose a female solicitor ... but something is not right about it now. I don't like your female solicitor at all.... just as it is totally wrong that your mediator started explaining to you why your ex's request were actually appropriate and all that BS.

If I were you I would send Madame a message that says, "mediation with you has been lovely, but I won't attend anymore sessions.... see you in court".

Don't worry about the kids not texting you back etc. To be honest most teenagers and young adults don't like adult drama, and even more so if it's the parents drama. Your daughter has London to worry about, I don't think she wants to give a S___t anymore about sides and why mom and dad are fighting. I know it sounds heartless, but she has bigger fish to fry and will easily see the truth as she get's older and sees how much elbow grease it takes to survive.

Plus I really don't get this thing of how your mediator seems to have so much power?! What the hell is that?! I want so badly to do a little research on the internet right now on what the actual role of a mediator is. Are they really supposed to give advice? I don't think so Jack! you need to put her in her place. You are paying a mediator only to take notes from each meeting and send it to both sides, to gather the agenda points from both sides, and then to make sure the meeting between two disgruntled parties stays civil.

I'm not the expert but from what I understand mediation is usually for parents to discuss the children and hash out what's best for the kids in short term etc. because courts can take too long. I don't feel your case will go anywhere with mediation.

The courtroom drama on this one is going to be awesome! I can just picture the other sides case being shredded to pieces. I do love a bit of Hollywood!! lol. I can picture a good lawyer being able to prove that as soon as her parents die then Madame will be able to afford a small Island in Dubai...so the fact that she can rent an apartment on the coast till that day arrives is completely valid!

I could go on... but I'm at work ... like most normal females who don't get maintenance but still feed the kids, pay the bills, and get cheap hair cuts!

I love that word "voluntary maintenance" ---- the verb volunteer means to do something willingly, because you don't have to. What is she gonna do when you stop volunteering because you simply don't have to??

Bonfire77

The mediator then suggested if she had a small mortgage as well she wouldn't have enough for living costs assuming she had a job earning £1000/m.


from google: a Mediator will not make judgments or determine who is right or wrong. Instead a mediator will support you throughout the process,

---

we can maintain a neutral and impartial approach throughout the process and support parties before, during and after mediation. We will be completely independent of both parties and have no vested interest in the outcome.

A mediator role is the same as that of an interpreter ....

nicegirl

I thought that too Bonfire, the mediator seems oddly opinionated!

Bonfire77

The problem here is that even if the mediator means well, what she is doing is encouraging Mrs. Jack!! That's not right, sorry

duchy

I think most of us who were married to reasonably high earners and have worked and raised our kids post divorce with moderate child support find her attitude a bit parasitic.

I do think part of the problem is that both she and Jack have the mindset that their offspring are still toddlers and not adults. Neither of them are legally obliged to support or house the daughter and the same will soon apply to the son. Any support is voluntary and I'd expect a decent solicitor to argue that they are two single adults as they both live alone and are both in reasonable health with decent earning potential (with some consideration for the difference in earnings expectation)

As far as DS is concerned he doesn't live with either parent (and I thought this was an unwise move on her part to have him live with his grandparents from a settlement viewpoint) so shouldn't be a dependant when calculating living expenses. If she was paying her parents keep for him as this was the only college in the country doing his course then it might be different.

I think you need to use her delaying tactics to your advantage now Jack.
From September she will be living alone and you have supported her for an adequate time to get on her feet and now it is time for her to stand on her own two feet. Recalculate her expenses as a single woman , don't renew the car lease and assess her housing needs for a one bedroom home ...or at most two bedroom to accommodate her non resident adult children when they visit.
Paying for petrol to go visit her adult son or for their contact lenes are personal choice spending not living expenses. Either your solicitor accepts your instructions that the period of transitional support is over or you find a new solicitor.

It doesn't mean that either of you can't treat the kids to contact lenses, driving lessons, new clothes or bunging them a few quid but it is personal spending from disposable income NOT living expenses.

She's claiming you don't want them to live in a nice place. It is time to show her that there is no them ....it is just her ......and how that changes her entitlement and how she is expected to contribute to her own life at least in part.

If you go to court offering a settlement that houses her and makes provision for her adult children to stay on holidays whereas she is demanding a bigger house with two bedrooms staying empty for most of the year just because that's what she wants.....it's not hard to work out who will appear unreasonable.
Heck most of my friends kids at uni only go home for the odd week in vac time anyway.

She has made it clear she won't shift her stance at all so you need to stop enabling her and make this all about the realities of life not some pink fluffy fantasy !

ampersand

This comes from https://www.justice.gov.uk/courts/mediation

Neutrality
Mediators must remain neutral as to the outcome of a mediation at all times. Mediators must not seek to impose their preferred outcome on the participants or to influence them to adopt it, whether by attempting to predict the outcome of court proceedings or otherwise. However, if the participants consent, they may inform them that they consider that the resolutions they are considering might fall outside the parameters which a court might approve or order. They may inform participants of possible courses of action, their legal or other implications, and assist them to explore these, but must make it clear that they are not giving advice.

There is much else, but essentially this is assessed in fast-growing market terms. Law Gazette articles appraise, tweak, posit business models, for juicy earning potential.
#
Most writing googled about Mediation in the U.K. issues NOT from any regulatory authority or regulated position.

Bonfire77

Well said... and totally agree. It's easy to see her demands are all about her.

Duchy and I will represent you in court Jack!! Ha ha!

RAS

JackRS wrote: »

The ex mentioned that she wanted to rent out the house so she could use the money to rent in the south but I I said I’d expect to receive half the income from renting out. I also said renting out would cause potential problems and delays in terms of selling. I could easily imagine that if it was rented out and she got all the money then she would be better off receiving the income from renting with net profit against what she is paying to rent on a smaller property.

More importantly JackRS, re renting.

1. If you rent the house out, then you have to accept that it could take 6 months plus to "get the tenant out" if they decide not to move; the flip side of the problem you are causing your landlord.

And the tenants are under no obligation to allow viewings.

2. Consequently, most buyers will refuse to even look at it. And if they do look at it, disinclined to make an offer at least until a S21 is served correctly.

3. There are additional costs in letting, Gas certificate, LL insurance, replacing equipment etc.

4. You will both be taxed on almost the whole income.

5. Unless you are very lucky, the property will deteriorate and become less valuable.

6. Every chance that even post tenants will leave without paying rent and will trash it.