Separated, how much should I provide?

nicegirl

It's shocking that they can delay things this long, from February!

I do have some sympathy for your ex as her whole world as she knew it has been turned upside down, but so has yours and things like this happen. It's just not possible that her life will remain as it was before, as yours won't, and it sounds like she is having real difficulty accepting this. And she probably thinks that it's very unfair, but unfortunately life is sometimes unfair and we just have to suck it up and do the best we can. Because what is the alternative really?

It's very easy of me to say this but I would never have allowed myself to be put in her position in the first place, I'm far too cynical! Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

I do really hope it gets sorted soon Jack and that you get some closure. I'll be following your thread with interest and rooting for you!

duchy

nicegirl wrote: »

It's shocking that they can delay things this long, from February!

Don't want to shock you more but you do realize it was February *last* year not this year ?

duchy

I can't see withdrawing the car lease as a big deal.
Previously she "needed" it to take daughter to college - (assuming poor transport links) but with daughter away at uni she doesn't "need" it anymore .....and there is a perfectly good railway lnetwork for weekends away to visit her parents or either of the kids.

Providing a car to benefit a child living at home is one thing - providing a car for an ex spouse with no children living with her is another.

She's strung this out - it may be the delays have opened the door to dealing with her now changed circumstances.

Ames

JackRS wrote: »

Well is that all you have to say, if only you could be a little more passionate about things

Thank you for your incite and advice ‘Erin’ Bonfire it’s very inspiring and in line with my thinking and my frustration, it’s almost like I’ve discussed it with you. The challenge I have is that the solicitors are advising me that I will be expected to pay spousal maintenance to some level due to difference in our current income even assuming she has a full time job. There are many similar examples and indeed her solicitor is advising her that she is due it for life. Obviously if she wants a greater proportion of the house then there has to be some benefit to me before I would consider giving away a large sum of cash now, not only the pension share but something that has an impact now.

If after the next mediation I see no progress to an agreement, I will stop future mediation and go down the court route, it’ll cost more in legal fees but if it looks like we’ll go that way anyway may as well go that way now.

I think it's a bit of a tomahto tomayto thing. Whichever way you go it'll cost. The only difference is that carrying on with mediation could be wasted money and you'd end up having to go to court anyway. At least with court you'll have a decision, it'll all be finalised, and there wont be the chance of any more big bills.

Personally, I think you need to just get it in front of a judge. Especially since by the time that happens you'll be in the same situation you are now but your ex's circumstances will have changed drastically (ie not having any children at home).

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

Don't want to shock you more but you do realize it was February *last* year not this year ?

The court hearing was originally set for Feb this year 2014, not got next date yet.

nicegirl

JackRS wrote: »

The court hearing was originally set for Feb this year 2014, not got next date yet.

Yes, that was what I was referring to, thanks Jack!

lucym

Bonfire77 wrote: »

Mediation is just mediation... nothing you say to her, and vice versa, can be used against you. The mediator is only there to make sure that two adults don't kill each other. When my ex and I started mediation we realized that we were paying big bucks simply for someone to be there to make sure we stayed civil. Really, it was for us to hash out, no one else. And it takes time Jack, one hour every 2 weeks is insane!! I would be frustrated too if I were you. Our mediator was just simply incompetent and expensive, so we asked a friend to do it. He sat there and let us go for it. You need to yell at each other till 3am and then walk away knowing it's sorted. Just like when they choose a new Pope! Don't come out of that room till the smoke signal is correct! ___ the solicitors and the courts and all that freakn debt.. Ok, sure...before you didn't know the law and all the right and wrong... but now you do.

Jack, do you have a mutual friend who would be willing to mediate for you? Somebody that cares about both of you.

JackRS

lucym wrote: »

Jack, do you have a mutual friend who would be willing to mediate for you? Somebody that cares about both of you.

No not really

JackRS

Mediation tomorrow, I’d emailed my solicitor the summary from the last session and proposed my thoughts for a settlement.

She made the following assumption/proposal:

1. FMH sold
2. All debts discharged
3. Lump sum payment to ex of (TBC depending on housing needs)
4. Balance of net proceeds to you (or a set figure, depends on whether you think the house will sell for more or less than you anticipated within the schedule of assets!)
5. Thereafter a clean break as to capital, maintenance and pension sharing

On the basis of the above, you may have less capital, but your income and pension will be your own. If all your income is your own too, and liabilities are discharged, you may be able to make additional payments to your mortgage.

I think that ex housing needs at between £225,000 - £250,000 seem high? I would advise you to look into properties in the area she wants to live and take some details of properties that you think ate suitable for her to the next meeting.

On a final note, I see that the mediator suggests that there should be equality of your income, and that this is how the court is likely to approach this. I do not agree that this would be the court’s approach. The court would look at what ex reasonable needs are, as opposed to her income from all sources. If there is a shortfall, then the court may look to you to bridge that shortfall, but it is not a case of simply equalising your income. Where would be the incentive upon you to agree to work and earn as high a wage?

Until the youngest child reaches the age of 18, or leaves full time education, then you do of course also pay child maintenance, which as you rightly say is now under the gross income scheme.

I have a scheduled call at 3pm this afternoon with my solicitor to discuss as I am not comfortable to give away such a large proportion of the net assets. Although I currently have a greater income that situation could change easily so to commit myself to a large mortgage at this stage of my career puts me at risk and a great amount of stress. People at my firm have been offered early retirement and some have been made redundant, so I am not immune from this risk. Whilst I’d reasonably consider giving her a greater cash sum now to eliminate her interest in my pension it’s still something I’d be concerned about. To let a large sum of cash go, I will have to add to my loan to purchase somewhere.

If she is provided enough to buy a property mortgage free then she has no debt over her to worry about. So surely that puts me at a disadvantage.

Feeling very anxious and frustrated at this direction, seems an unfair division of assets.

I’ll update over the weekend if I can.

ampersand

Jack, was waiting until this evening to post assurances of caring thoughts, solidarity and good wishes for you for tomorrow, but now this from you.

Why does solicitor not go in hard in keeping with current climate in country for all people needing benefits and help and the impact of changes for those people?
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/12/iain-duncan-smith-welfare-reform-benefits

That's just my major anger with this for you and not constructive, but along with many on Thread, feel you are not being well-served by your expensive non-rottweiler.

re:[/I]'People at my firm have been offered early retirement and some have been made redundant, so I am not immune from this risk'[/I] - can you annotate this?

I'm sure duchy and RAS will have some strong words and bullet points for you to make. Did you think about recording mediation, to control/record/inhibit ex's excesses and outbursts?

I still hope your children will read this Thread.

Please take care of yourself today and tomorrow. We are all still here for you - going nowhere Jack:-).