Separated, how much should I provide?

supersaver2

And the fully paid 3 bedroom house by the sea that she wants, does she live in Disney Land?!

ampersand

Hello again Jack - this still is your Thread, started by you, seeking pertinent advice.

Posters whose comments are not germane can start yet another Discussion Thread on the broader topic of Maintenance post-divorce. There have been many: they proliferate now and again.

Do not unduly let them weigh with you, especially at the end of a long working day or concentrated session of p/w, be this virtual, or prep. notes for phone calls and em's, all of which we know you must collate for solicitor and mediator in a way which minimises cost. We worry for your capacity to endure this and also for your will to effectively do yourself justice. That word, Jack: JUSTICE. Hold it dear and close.

I have asked 3 times recently about your current/imminent living arrangements, without answer. As kelpie now does, too, please can you say something on this?

Enough lateral enflaming has muddied your Thread since lucym posted, but I take issue with this:
'she will have been emotionally supporting your children.'

This is precisely what she has not done: 'manipulating' is a more suitable verb. Despite predictable and comprehensible adolescent responses at the initial separation and some months subsequently, these young people, daughter first, now son, have been exactly that, daughter and son, making new grown-up ways of being with their Dad. Son has moved from maternal grandparents' abode.

Supplementary point: ex. has been coddled and abetted by parents since the split. They were intrusive before; natural enough, if you wish, but she is not wanting financially in any sense, now or in the future. Current non co-operation may be the fruit of her upbringing. She could bloom in a new way. All four of you have futures.

Jack, you need not put out any more explanations for her. Explanations are not excuses. People who confuse the two neither understand logic nor recognise the difference. It's a common fallacy, but there are enough of us who care about your well-being to urge you to let those deflecting posts lie fallow. Focus and conserve your energy for relevant matters, pressing document deadlines.

I wish you had a strong female confidante/platonic friend/cousin? to stand in locus Jack i.e. be the veritable fine tooth-comb when you receive p/w.

Your core supporters will simply continue to do that, Jack - support you.

I am not long in from Compline in this small Fens village. You and your situation were with me. Wishing you the 'quiet mind and peaceful heart' each end of day needs to bring. For you, may this be a constant soon.

lucym

Jack said that he welcomed my views..

It seems unlikely that a 17 year old and a 19 year old could be or would need to be 'manipulated' into behaving like Jack's children did. Their initial reaction seems very normal.

quidsy

Posters whose comments are not germane can start yet another Discussion Thread on the broader topic of Maintenance post-divorce. There have been many: they proliferate now and again.

LOL, so you get to govern who posts on an open internet forum?

JackRs (nice username play on words btw ) has thank my posts, I have not attacked him only offered some alternate views to the constant slating of his ex. Offered some idea in to what "might" be her reasons for acting as she has so far & that whilst she does seem unwilling to start fending for herself, after along marriage where she clearly has been cushioned from the practicatilites of life, may not be confident or even ready after the stock dismantling of a life she was living & was expecting to live for many years to come.

Some of you talk about as if she should be "grateful" that he is being decent, no she should expect him to be decent & he should & is being decent but none of this money/house/pensions is "his", & she is looking out for herself as jackrs is looking out for himself.

None of the situation they are all currently in was of her chosing, she is dealing with it, it might not be to some of your liking but once a settlement has been made she will "have" to look after herself, maybe right now she wants to delay that for whatever reason is in her head & maybe she wants to dig her heels in & be a PIA because it gives her some kind of control in a situation where she had none in the making of it.

The kids reacted exactly as most grown teen kids do when one parent leaves another, their loyalty to their mother took the forefront, now time has mellowed things they are naturally coming back to a parent who previously was a good one & who continues to be so.

CH27

Jack sorry if i've missed it but did you email your solicitor about the mediation options?

JackRS

Thanks everyone again for your views wisdom and sharing of your relevant experience and knowledge.

For the record I think it is helpful to keep a balanced view on this topic, so I do need comments from a different view point even if it doesn’t agree with me. Many of the comments that I have received on here believe I’ve been a fool for continuing to pay what I have. I get comments saying I’m providing too much, or at an acceptable level in response to the original question I posted. In terms of my actions I have always followed my solicitors advice.

I am frustrated that the process is taking so long and the only winners are the solicitors, this why I thought the mediation route needed to be explored. I don’t want to make discussion on here personal but obviously that’s very difficult not to have an opinion based on the picture I paint as you all only have my information to form an opinion. I do try to stick to the facts and try not to write about the people involved. However sometimes I slip up and my bitterness about the situation comes across when posting an updates, that is wrong of me.

So I do welcome all your views but don’t wish for you to argue with each other, sometimes someone will come along and may not know all the earlier posts and make a comment that could frustrate some of you. However their view is still very valid even if they don’t have all the information from earlier posts. If and when this goes to court the decision will be made on the basic facts presented.

My request to you all just like in all debates there is no wrong opinion as our opinions are formed based on own experiences and information we have. So if someone’s opinion/view doesn’t match yours please give your views as an alternative rather than criticise someone else view. If you believe they are not aware of some fact or a point of the law it’s ok to make them aware of those facts in a decent polite manor. I think some may not post a view for fear of being criticised and that would be a shame. Can we all make an effort to ‘play nicely’ and together we will benefit even if we don’t agree.

Rental status (sorry Ampersand & Kelpie)
Sorry for not answering the questions about my status with this. I’m currently in the same place I have been over a year now. I responded to the letting agents last threat 2 weeks ago and have had no response yet. In the meantime I am looking at my options, one of which is to move back to friends house but will need to clear his junk yard of a garage to store some of the stuff I’ve acquired while here.

CH27 – Yes emailed solicitor on Tuesday

duchy

lucym wrote: »

Jack said that he welcomed my views..

It seems unlikely that a 17 year old and a 19 year old could be or would need to be 'manipulated' into behaving like Jack's children did. Their initial reaction seems very normal.

They did indeed both were upset and to Jack's mind were both very upset with him (his perception - we have no idea if they saw it coming and may have been upset with the situation even if inevitable rather than with Jack himself). In time they both made contact with Jack and have spent time with him -again perfectly normal for teenage kids. Mum is apparently still ranting but they are both seeing Jack so even if she would prefer they didn't see him (and we have no idea if she feels that way or not) they have chosen to keep both parents in their lives.
They sound like well balanced kids dealing with a difficult situation.

harz99

JackRS wrote: »

So I do welcome all your views but don’t wish for you to argue with each other, sometimes someone will come along and may not know all the earlier posts and make a comment that could frustrate some of you. However their view is still very valid even if they don’t have all the information from earlier posts. If and when this goes to court the decision will be made on the basic facts presented.

My request to you all just like in all debates there is no wrong opinion as our opinions are formed based on own experiences and information we have. So if someone’s opinion/view doesn’t match yours please give your views as an alternative rather than criticise someone else view. If you believe they are not aware of some fact or a point of the law it’s ok to make them aware of those facts in a decent polite manor. I think some may not post a view for fear of being criticised and that would be a shame. Can we all make an effort to ‘play nicely’ and together we will benefit even if we don’t agree.

Thank you JackRs and very well said.


I sincerely hope that all followers of this thread read and digest the above, and that the thread doesn't descend into tit for tat posting which helps no-one.

ampersand

Many thanks for rental update Jack. This was a further worry taking wing. Might friend's roof cover you until this is over, if necessary?

JackRS

ampersand wrote: »

Many thanks for rental update Jack. This was a further worry taking wing. Might friend's roof cover you until this is over, if necessary?

Yes it's where I stayed before but don't want to overstay my welcome but my room rent will help him and I hope to be in a position to buy by end of teh year but if FMH hasn't sold then it's another story.