Separated, how much should I provide?

kelpie35

Thank you for the update of your rental.

I do so wish your FH is sold very quickly, at least that might be a small weight taken off your shoulder.

I sincerely hope you mange to find some ME time this weekend.

Take care

duchy

Any thoughts as to why it isn't selling ?
Are you still getting viewings and what sort of feedback are you getting.
If a house is priced right viewings will come and offers. If it isn't priced right you won't get the viewings.

Bonfire77

This is my first time to post, but I have read the whole thread (a small miracle!) --- JackRS I'm gonna need new reading glasses now cos of this! I only wear Gucci,-- thanks. :P

I would like to propose that we STOP discussing the ex. Pages upon pages of pondering and hashing out what is wrong/or isn't wrong with her, numerous examples and pages of speculation. Yes it was helpful to see what he is dealing with, but now that we know --can we stop?? Since we are the team in Jack's corner (yes, it is like a boxing match) we only need to discuss and help Jack, ---and we need to help end it soon as its just so draining for both sides, and us! lol. It was helpful to learn about the situation and what she went through nearly 2 years ago and her demands etc.--yes, to see and understand what type of person she was etc. but going forward I really don't think it helps Jack that we keep reminding him of what's wrong with his ex, --if she wasn't that way then he might still be with her -- who knows. There are other women out there like her, she is not a rare rose... but yes those type are frustrating.

I'm sure she is a lovely person, but at the end of the day she is a taker. She is not interested in using her own energy and creativity.. at all.. period. She has had chance after chance, and plenty of time, to do whatever she needed to do to make lemonade out of her lemons. Millions of good men and women become single every day... that's the way life goes. But we all have to do whatever it takes to survive in this jungle called life, not expect our fellow man to find food and shelter for us. It's actually quite sad.

She knew things were getting bad towards the end of your marriage when you refused to go on the family holiday and when she went to stay with her parents etc. She is not stupid. Women know when their husbands are not happy.... please! So this whole sob thing of "the break up was so sudden" is BS. That's like coming to the 9th month of pregnancy and still not knowing what to do when it comes to having a baby! Bloody hell... you've only known about the situation for at least the last 7 months! Not to mention that it's impossible for a mother not to notice that her kids are getting older and don't need her anymore. You can't possibly persuade anyone to believe that she was gonna just walk the dog and do little house chores for the next 30 years. The fact that she wasn't working at the time of the split has nothing to do with Jack, that was her choice. She could have started planning back then. Thinking of ways to earn, planning her her future, her own welfare etc. but instead she chose, and still is choosing, to just throw a fit. The kid who throws a tantrum for candy he thinks he deserves in order to be comfortable and happy.

Every time a life saver has been thrown her way (cos she feels like she is drowning, granted...ok) she refuses to take it. She has parents who are still alive, she has a government that will help her because she has paid into the system via taxes, she has good health and good work experience, there are countless agencies to help her find work (in fact that is their whole job and reason for being....to help her find work) she has no rent,AND a free car--- Jesus!! But she simply won't use what is available to her. It's a game. Spoiled people play it and she is playing it successfully because she is using guilt. She wants you to feel like syh___, she is using that to get her own way. You need to say to her (in front of the mediator) "You know EXACTLY why I wanted to end our marriage. Don't think for one second you can play dumb with me sweetheart!" -This right away tells the mediator, without saying it, that it takes 2 to tango and there are no victims. This victim mentality that she has is such a load of crap. I'm sorry but I get really wound up with anyone who plays the "victim" card in any aspect of their life.

None of her friends are telling her to"man the____ up and move on"-- they are telling her, "make that man pay for what he did to you." So we really need to stop talking about her.... can we just advise Jack on the best way to end this. We all need a new strategy for him.

My suggestion to you Jack (if I may) is that you play the game. Play the game she is playing with you. Get down and dirty and find some closure... just the two of you. I could be totally off on planet Mars, but I think you need to show some anger. Next mediation, start all your sentences with "Here's what's going to happen..." --- play The Godfather and use your calm manly nature to casually say, "you either quit being a ____ or you get nothing darling" while puffing on a cigar.
Jack, you have the money and that means you have the power.... flex those muscles!! When she goes on and on about how you are the shadow of a man and blah blah....she simply needs to shut the ________ up. The end. Us women use our prowess, our low cleavages, our long eyelashes and our tears to get what we want or to intimidate you males....so use your power and paycheck and play the game.

Mediation is just mediation... nothing you say to her, and vice versa, can be used against you. The mediator is only there to make sure that two adults don't kill each other. When my ex and I started mediation we realized that we were paying big bucks simply for someone to be there to make sure we stayed civil. Really, it was for us to hash out, no one else. And it takes time Jack, one hour every 2 weeks is insane!! I would be frustrated too if I were you. Our mediator was just simply incompetent and expensive, so we asked a friend to do it. He sat there and let us go for it. You need to yell at each other till 3am and then walk away knowing it's sorted. Just like when they choose a new Pope! Don't come out of that room till the smoke signal is correct! ___ the solicitors and the courts and all that freakn debt.. Ok, sure...before you didn't know the law and all the right and wrong... but now you do.

I feel like you need to say to her "Right, I have agreed to be totally fair on what we built together during our marriage..... but I will not give you a single penny of what I continue to work long hours for every day. I choose to go to work and keep getting a salary, unlike you, ---so... besides helping my kids, I will keep it all.... oh and by the way .. the company is changing their rules and from now on we all will get only one company car... and that car, darling, will be for me." Let her stew in that juice for a bit.

Smokes and mirrors, smoke and mirrors! She needs to think "oh sh__ I won't have a car, I need to get busy talking to mom and dad...." or whatever else she has plans to do. People only survive when they are desperate. Make her believe that this is it, the end. If she pushes you over the line one time more you will totally and completely cut her off! Fear is a huge weapon and you need to use it. I think it would be impossible for you to be a mean horrible man Jack... so I'm sure that in telling you this, you will get the right balance.

Say to her, "Here's what's going to happen, I will do exactly what the law tells me to do...nothing more nothing less. I don't feel sorry for you anymore, you are not being reasonable at all when I am trying to be, and I don't guilty for the fact that you have done nothing for your own future. What we shared in the past I will split with you, but you cannot have a part in my future. Only my children can." Every female knows that when she behaves like a b__ she will get treated like one!!

Tell her, "If you want to live in the south, and if going forward you can afford to live by the beach, then go for it... enjoy! Live the dream baby! That's lovely! And while you're at it go ahead and get that boob job you always wanted! As an adult with 2 grown kids you should enjoy your freedom. We all want our own things in life and I think that you deserve to have whatever your heart desires. You are a good person and I know you are capable of great things.... however we are no longer together. We have not been together for nearly 2 years and so I WILL NOT fund or finance your dreams and wishes and goals. Just as I would not ask you to fund my hearts desire of owning my own small Harem and living on an Island in Tahiti."

I feel, as a reader of this thread, that it is completely unreasonable to ask someone to fund your hearts desires--- just because you used to be married to them!! F___that! Share the past, but not the future. There is a huge difference between NEED and WANT! Hundreds of people rent homes every day! Please! She could have been living this whole time with Mom and Dad tanning on the beach while dreaming of ways to start her own company and one day be more wealthy than the "shadow of the man that dumped her!" Every time I read that phrase about how she has less potential than you you do to earn a living... it makes me feel sick to my stomach. There is no such thing as "less potential". she is only handicapped because of her own laziness and fear of breaking one of her carefully manicured nails. She limits herself. She could have even been self employed this whole time, working from your family home, doing a whole slew of schemes to make her million and live her dream of moving to the coast.

I just want the best for you Jack, we all do. We want closure for you instead of this torture. If you have to cut mum off from everything and change your number and address and not give it to her etc. then so be it. She made her bed and so she will have to lie in it. Your 2 grown children will understand. Trust me. Time heals all wounds, you will always provide for your kids they need not worry, and its a good lesson for your son as one day he may go through the same thing. You don't need to put Mum down in order to state the facts. In the future if they ask you will simply say, "I tried everything and spent thousands of pounds and nearly 2 years trying to come to a reasonable agreement with your Mum, I love her very much as she is the mother of both of you, my amazing kids, but she refused to do anything for herself and she refused to be reasonable and so I will have nothing to do with her."

I know I sound cruel and heartless... but this is the real world! It's food for the fittest. The strong survive! She just needs to get on with it and be glad she is not currently living in Gaza!

Ziggazee

Excellent pot Bonfire777! She does indeed need to get into the real world. No more of this messing around with mediation and pandering around her. She's being manipulative and intent on making things difficult for him as punishment for pulling the rug on her nice easy lifestyle. This needs to go to Court for a final hearing asap. I'm sure the Judge will see right through her.

victory

Bonfire77 wrote: »

This is my first time to post, but I have read the whole thread (a small miracle!) --- JackRS I'm gonna need new reading glasses now cos of this! I only wear Gucci,-- thanks. :P

I would like to propose that we STOP discussing the ex. Pages upon pages of pondering and hashing out what is wrong/or isn't wrong with her, numerous examples and pages of speculation. Yes it was helpful to see what he is dealing with, but now that we know --can we stop?? Since we are the team in Jack's corner (yes, it is like a boxing match) we only need to discuss and help Jack, ---and we need to help end it soon as its just so draining for both sides, and us! lol. It was helpful to learn about the situation and what she went through nearly 2 years ago and her demands etc.--yes, to see and understand what type of person she was etc. but going forward I really don't think it helps Jack that we keep reminding him of what's wrong with his ex, --if she wasn't that way then he might still be with her -- who knows. There are other women out there like her, she is not a rare rose... but yes those type are frustrating.

I'm sure she is a lovely person, but at the end of the day she is a taker. She is not interested in using her own energy and creativity.. at all.. period. She has had chance after chance, and plenty of time, to do whatever she needed to do to make lemonade out of her lemons. Millions of good men and women become single every day... that's the way life goes. But we all have to do whatever it takes to survive in this jungle called life, not expect our fellow man to find food and shelter for us. It's actually quite sad.

She knew things were getting bad towards the end of your marriage when you refused to go on the family holiday and when she went to stay with her parents etc. She is not stupid. Women know when their husbands are not happy.... please! So this whole sob thing of "the break up was so sudden" is BS. That's like coming to the 9th month of pregnancy and still not knowing what to do when it comes to having a baby! Bloody hell... you've only known about the situation for at least the last 7 months! Not to mention that it's impossible for a mother not to notice that her kids are getting older and don't need her anymore. You can't possibly persuade anyone to believe that she was gonna just walk the dog and do little house chores for the next 30 years. The fact that she wasn't working at the time of the split has nothing to do with Jack, that was her choice. She could have started planning back then. Thinking of ways to earn, planning her her future, her own welfare etc. but instead she chose, and still is choosing, to just throw a fit. The kid who throws a tantrum for candy he thinks he deserves in order to be comfortable and happy.

Every time a life saver has been thrown her way (cos she feels like she is drowning, granted...ok) she refuses to take it. She has parents who are still alive, she has a government that will help her because she has paid into the system via taxes, she has good health and good work experience, there are countless agencies to help her find work (in fact that is their whole job and reason for being....to help her find work) she has no rent,AND a free car--- Jesus!! But she simply won't use what is available to her. It's a game. Spoiled people play it and she is playing it successfully because she is using guilt. She wants you to feel like syh___, she is using that to get her own way. You need to say to her (in front of the mediator) "You know EXACTLY why I wanted to end our marriage. Don't think for one second you can play dumb with me sweetheart!" -This right away tells the mediator, without saying it, that it takes 2 to tango and there are no victims. This victim mentality that she has is such a load of crap. I'm sorry but I get really wound up with anyone who plays the "victim" card in any aspect of their life.

None of her friends are telling her to"man the____ up and move on"-- they are telling her, "make that man pay for what he did to you." So we really need to stop talking about her.... can we just advise Jack on the best way to end this. We all need a new strategy for him.

My suggestion to you Jack (if I may) is that you play the game. Play the game she is playing with you. Get down and dirty and find some closure... just the two of you. I could be totally off on planet Mars, but I think you need to show some anger. Next mediation, start all your sentences with "Here's what's going to happen..." --- play The Godfather and use your calm manly nature to casually say, "you either quit being a ____ or you get nothing darling" while puffing on a cigar.
Jack, you have the money and that means you have the power.... flex those muscles!! When she goes on and on about how you are the shadow of a man and blah blah....she simply needs to shut the ________ up. The end. Us women use our prowess, our low cleavages, our long eyelashes and our tears to get what we want or to intimidate you males....so use your power and paycheck and play the game.

Mediation is just mediation... nothing you say to her, and vice versa, can be used against you. The mediator is only there to make sure that two adults don't kill each other. When my ex and I started mediation we realized that we were paying big bucks simply for someone to be there to make sure we stayed civil. Really, it was for us to hash out, no one else. And it takes time Jack, one hour every 2 weeks is insane!! I would be frustrated too if I were you. Our mediator was just simply incompetent and expensive, so we asked a friend to do it. He sat there and let us go for it. You need to yell at each other till 3am and then walk away knowing it's sorted. Just like when they choose a new Pope! Don't come out of that room till the smoke signal is correct! ___ the solicitors and the courts and all that freakn debt.. Ok, sure...before you didn't know the law and all the right and wrong... but now you do.

I feel like you need to say to her "Right, I have agreed to be totally fair on what we built together during our marriage..... but I will not give you a single penny of what I continue to work long hours for every day. I choose to go to work and keep getting a salary, unlike you, ---so... besides helping my kids, I will keep it all.... oh and by the way .. the company is changing their rules and from now on we all will get only one company car... and that car, darling, will be for me." Let her stew in that juice for a bit.

Smokes and mirrors, smoke and mirrors! She needs to think "oh sh__ I won't have a car, I need to get busy talking to mom and dad...." or whatever else she has plans to do. People only survive when they are desperate. Make her believe that this is it, the end. If she pushes you over the line one time more you will totally and completely cut her off! Fear is a huge weapon and you need to use it. I think it would be impossible for you to be a mean horrible man Jack... so I'm sure that in telling you this, you will get the right balance.

Say to her, "Here's what's going to happen, I will do exactly what the law tells me to do...nothing more nothing less. I don't feel sorry for you anymore, you are not being reasonable at all when I am trying to be, and I don't guilty for the fact that you have done nothing for your own future. What we shared in the past I will split with you, but you cannot have a part in my future. Only my children can." Every female knows that when she behaves like a b__ she will get treated like one!!

Tell her, "If you want to live in the south, and if going forward you can afford to live by the beach, then go for it... enjoy! Live the dream baby! That's lovely! And while you're at it go ahead and get that boob job you always wanted! As an adult with 2 grown kids you should enjoy your freedom. We all want our own things in life and I think that you deserve to have whatever your heart desires. You are a good person and I know you are capable of great things.... however we are no longer together. We have not been together for nearly 2 years and so I WILL NOT fund or finance your dreams and wishes and goals. Just as I would not ask you to fund my hearts desire of owning my own small Harem and living on an Island in Tahiti."

I feel, as a reader of this thread, that it is completely unreasonable to ask someone to fund your hearts desires--- just because you used to be married to them!! F___that! Share the past, but not the future. There is a huge difference between NEED and WANT! Hundreds of people rent homes every day! Please! She could have been living this whole time with Mom and Dad tanning on the beach while dreaming of ways to start her own company and one day be more wealthy than the "shadow of the man that dumped her!" Every time I read that phrase about how she has less potential than you you do to earn a living... it makes me feel sick to my stomach. There is no such thing as "less potential". she is only handicapped because of her own laziness and fear of breaking one of her carefully manicured nails. She limits herself. She could have even been self employed this whole time, working from your family home, doing a whole slew of schemes to make her million and live her dream of moving to the coast.

I just want the best for you Jack, we all do. We want closure for you instead of this torture. If you have to cut mum off from everything and change your number and address and not give it to her etc. then so be it. She made her bed and so she will have to lie in it. Your 2 grown children will understand. Trust me. Time heals all wounds, you will always provide for your kids they need not worry, and its a good lesson for your son as one day he may go through the same thing. You don't need to put Mum down in order to state the facts. In the future if they ask you will simply say, "I tried everything and spent thousands of pounds and nearly 2 years trying to come to a reasonable agreement with your Mum, I love her very much as she is the mother of both of you, my amazing kids, but she refused to do anything for herself and she refused to be reasonable and so I will have nothing to do with her."

I know I sound cruel and heartless... but this is the real world! It's food for the fittest. The strong survive! She just needs to get on with it and be glad she is not currently living in Gaza!

Brilliant post, a few bits I don't agree with in the whole though excellent post, very well put, such a terrible shame it has taken nearly 2 years and thousands of pounds.....

quidsy

I would like to propose that we STOP discussing the ex

oh, the irony

JackRs, I would consult with your solicitor before taking any of this advice as a judge may not look too kindly on some of the suggestions. I would however like to see the mediator & exs reaction when you start acting like a bad 50's noir movie character

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

Any thoughts as to why it isn't selling ?
Are you still getting viewings and what sort of feedback are you getting.
If a house is priced right viewings will come and offers. If it isn't priced right you won't get the viewings.

It had 2 offers last year that fell through one because buyer couldn't get the mortgage so estate agent really didn't do the job that some do with checking or helping buyer sorting that. Another couple changed their minds due to some other factors.

In the last week it's on emoov, and last weekend there was a viewing but they decided it wasn't suitable for their needs. Will probably need to drop the price at end of August if no viewings.

JackRS

Bonfire77 wrote: »

This is my first time to post, but I have read the whole thread (a small miracle!) --- JackRS I'm gonna need new reading glasses now cos of this! I only wear Gucci,-- thanks. :P
etc etc etc......
I know I sound cruel and heartless... but this is the real world! It's food for the fittest. The strong survive! She just needs to get on with it and be glad she is not currently living in Gaza!

Well is that all you have to say, if only you could be a little more passionate about things

Thank you for your incite and advice ‘Erin’ Bonfire it’s very inspiring and in line with my thinking and my frustration, it’s almost like I’ve discussed it with you. The challenge I have is that the solicitors are advising me that I will be expected to pay spousal maintenance to some level due to difference in our current income even assuming she has a full time job. There are many similar examples and indeed her solicitor is advising her that she is due it for life. Obviously if she wants a greater proportion of the house then there has to be some benefit to me before I would consider giving away a large sum of cash now, not only the pension share but something that has an impact now.

If after the next mediation I see no progress to an agreement, I will stop future mediation and go down the court route, it’ll cost more in legal fees but if it looks like we’ll go that way anyway may as well go that way now.

JackRS

quidsy wrote: »

oh, the irony

JackRs, I would consult with your solicitor before taking any of this advice as a judge may not look too kindly on some of the suggestions. I would however like to see the mediator & exs reaction when you start acting like a bad 50's noir movie character

'Well frankly my dear I don't give a damn' but somehow I don't think she will be gone with the wind.

The only thing is she'll slag me off to my Daughter and Son, which she'll do anyway. Rest assured I am reviewing my approach with my solicitor.

Caroline_a

Well Jack, I think you sound like you've finally had enough! It's not nice that you have to go through all this, have tried to be adult about it all, and your ex has continually behaved like a baby throughout it all. Your children will be seeing her behaviour and probably underneath it all won't be impressed. Relationships fail, often through no fault of anyone, people change, and like friendships, what brought you together in the first place often isnt there any more.

Sad to say that through her actions the only winners will be the lawyers, but I feel at this stage in the proceedings you have little choice.