Separated, how much should I provide?

ampersand

Good morning Jack,
Like Victory at head of this page, I haven't specialist knowledge to help you currently.

I will simply wish you well, very strongly, throughout today.
Don't become stressed reining yourself in when exOH is ludicrous, unrealistic or provocative[solicitor-coached or cloud-cuckoo scripted]. Just pencil a bullet point reminder.

If I've missed it[have been away again]apologies: can you record these sessions? I would want to.

Also, any update on your accommodation?

I will be thinking of you throughout today. Virtual strength and friendship from this Thread is a given, Jack. I hope your son and daughter read it one day.

harz99

Good luck today JackRS; every follower on here will be rooting for you.

victory

Yes, good luck for today jack I really hope it all stops for you and you can move on from over a year of hell:)

springdreams

I too do not know the answer to your question, but want to wish you all the best for today Jack.

RAS

All the best today JackRS.

Keep cool.

Even without recent experience madam should be able to get work in the £15-20K range within a short while IF she starts by getting some agency experience so do not let her get away with it.

I was looking as Jobs.ac.uk and Jobs.nhs.uk to assess the field.

duchy

Good luck today Jack.

The very fact she is agreeing to mediation considering her previous unmovable stand is a positive -plus she's not blind she can see the kids attitudes have mellowed too.

CH27

Hope it goes well today Jack

Dinah93

Hope today goes smoothly for you Jack.

JackRS

Thanks everyone for those kind supportive words it gives me great comfort.

I came away from the mediation feeling frustrated and angry but I kept cool during it.

I can’t easily sum up the discussion, the mediator will pull together a summary so I’ll share that when I’ve got it but I’ll try and outline the key points.

We put the assets on a flip board, and split the values 50/50.
Based on our previously submitted suitable housing there wasn’t enough for us to buy without a mortgage. I had a decision in principle for £150K so I could conceivably buy. However she couldn’t as has no borrowing potential.

So went down the route of giving her more than half etc. I pointed out that although I could get a mortgage for £150K I did not want to have that commitment as I’d have to continue paying a large sum each month to pay it off. What if my circumstances change, loose my job, have to take early retirement. So I would be foolish to give up half my capital which is mine. She played the wanting to buy a home by her family on the coast to provide a home for our children (18 & 21 !) I kept calm and pointed out that I would love to have a home on the coast near my parents but I have to be where my job is. If I did move south and managed to find a job I’d have to take a large pay cut. I thought it would be more appropriate that she found a job anywhere she could.

I suggested that her sum was enough to rent for many years but she wasn’t happy at having nothing at the end. Many options discussed but I pointed out if I was to provide a cash equivalent sum to buy her out of her share of my pension that it was a significant amount to give away and that I’d have to get a mortgage to cover it.

I suggested that all our assets should be shared equally but going forward we need to do what we need to do to support ourselves. Mediator pointed out that the court wouldn’t allow a large disparity in our income basically imply that I’d be expected to pay spousal maintenance for some time. I said I would obviously pay CSA which would be £650/m until our son finished his course next June but I didn’t feel that should have to pay her any more. I’d been paying £1150 for a year and a half which I felt was long enough for the transition.

Many other points were discussed, I’ll explain better during the week.

The next step the Mediator advised us to go back to our solicitors for advise as we’d hit a wall that we weren’t going to agree on. I am not going to give away £40K without being sure of the consequences and getting a fair balance. I said that even if she had 90% of the house that wouldn’t be enough to buy what she wanted. However there isn’t enough in pot to give 90% of the house.

Too complex to explain, we have another session in 2 weeks. Feel like this is going to take a long time and cost even more in fees. She shared the pack so she has all my bank statements, outgoings, etc I know she’ll be going through it and slagging me off to the kids. I’ve got her financial disclosure and I’m not even going to look at it, I don’t care it really doesn’t matter.

I’ll update in the week, sorry for a rambled explanation.

ampersand

Dear Jack - thankyou for coming back to us when you are clearly feeling somewhat flayed and weary.

You have not rambled: you need not apologise for anything.

Madam has been more protected than you throughout, unhindered by realism or much decency, so she is not flagging from being under the cosh for 18 months.

You are, understandably. As lifted from RAS:'.....so do not let her get away with it.'

Others with knowledge will be along to shore you up again.

Jack, must we repeat that you are a good man? You are.
....that your children will read this one day and concur? They will.

What's happening with your accommodation atm?

Find pleasure in something to do this weekend. Promise?