Separated, how much should I provide?

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

Feel like this is going to take a long time and cost even more in fees. She shared the pack so she has all my bank statements, outgoings, etc I know she’ll be going through it and slagging me off to the kids. I’ve got her financial disclosure and I’m not even going to look at it, I don’t care it really doesn’t matter.

I’ll update in the week, sorry for a rambled explanation.

You should really have a look to see what she considers the "normal" spending that she wants you to keep on funding.

If all your expenses are for basic living and paying for the divorce process and a big percentage of hers are hairdressers and other such spending, you will have to bring up the discrepancy.

ampersand

Is she likely to draw attention to anything like that so blatantly, do you think Mojisola, or more likely harbour/inflate some other 'reasonable' cost heading?

Mojisola

ampersand wrote: »

Is she likely to draw attention to anything like that so blatantly, do you think Mojisola, or more likely harbour/inflate some other 'reasonable' cost heading?

Unless she's paying everything by cash, the bank and credit card statements will show where the money is going.

duchy

I do think.....when you are ready you should look at her expenditure. A calculation of what you currently spend on non essential items for yourself versus what she does may make a few things clearer.

As for the kids........they turned against you when this all started. They've now had a year and a half of listening to Mum moan on about you and do nothing to help herself.....and are older themselves too. They are back in touch with you because they love you both and don't want to choose and are learning their Mum isn't totally in the right and are less protective of her than they were when you first left. Truth is they are both launching their own adult lives and probably feel a bit stiffled by her neediness and don't see themselves living with her for years to come anyway. One good job offer abroad or in another part of the country or one serious relationship and her arguments about needing to provide a home for them too will fall apart.

ampersand

What a good post that is, duchy:-)

HurdyGurdy

Wow JackRS.

I have seen this thread bumped many a time on the board but not dipped into it. But seeing that it had reached 76 pages last evening, I thought it must be a thread worth reading, so in I went.

Thank goodness I had today off work, as I was up until 3.30am (and didn't get to the end - had to finish off today).

I am kind of pleased that I didn't follow the thread "live" as I don't think my blood pressure could have stood the strain.

What a rollercoaster you have been on. I honestly thought I was going to get to the end and find a happy ever after. I cannot believe that 18 months on, you are still shilly shallying back and forth, and facing ruinous bills to reach this point.

There are so many people who have contributed to the thread in some amazingly constructive and supportive threads (and oh my days, if ever I am in a harsh situation such as yours, I would give my left hand to have RAS, in particular, in my corner) (other supportive and knowledgeable posters are available :cool:)



Bear in mind the above, and that I was up until stupid o'clock reading the thread, and I may have got some things wrong, my thoughts were (and have probably been overridden by subsequent events)

In your wife's SOA, under your daughter's needs:
Doctors/perscrip/chem. 58

Doctors? Do you have a private GP? Surely doctors appointments are free on NHS?
Prescriptions? I am on a lot of medication myself and have a pre-paid certificate which I believe (without checking my bank statement) is something in the region of £12 a month.
Chem? I assume this is chemists rather than chemo or some other abbreviation, and would have thought if it was covering feminine monthly supplies, they could just as easily come within the grocery budget.


As I read it, your wife is currently living in a four bedroomed house, with just your daughter, as your son is living with grandparents. That would mean that only two out of four bedrooms are being used at present. Would it not be possible for you to move back into the family home and use one of the rooms until you have this whole shebang finalised? That would be saving you a considerable sum of money each month. I realise that this probably isn't feasible, given the state of the relationship between you and your soon-to-be-ex, but I have heard of people who are separated but continue, for financial reasons, to share the family home. I freely admit that I have no idea of the legalities of this, but it may be a short term solution to your tenancy problem with the rental property.


On a lighter note :

Loved the Erin Broke-you-b1tcH quote. One of my favourite movies, and one of my favourite lines from the movie

I am so pleased that things are progressing well between you and your children. It sounded absolutely grim for you at the beginning of the thread, but at least that is one major improvement for you.

And it's good to hear your social life is picking up too. I am old enough to remember all the acts you saw at your recent concert



All the way through the thread, do you know what I was put in mind of? Does anyone else remember the thread a few years ago with Mike, the guy who lived in The Dolls House on the south coast, and who had been ripped off by cowboy builders?

He had an amazing support network through his thread on MSE, and eventually the thread contributors mob-emailed the producers of The Big Build (Nick Knowles home improvement programme) and they went in and put the mess right.

That. That's what this reminds me of. Pity that the contributors on this thread can't go in mob handed at your mediation or court sessions and make the STBex wife see sense :D:D. And you, Jack, remind me very much of Mike, who maintained dignity and a sense of humour throughout his ordeal.

I have nothing further to add at present - well nothing useful.

Just - I really hope this comes to a final conclusion really soon, and that STBex realises how unrealistic her claims are. 'course you could always hire a hit man and see off her seemingly wealthy parents. She'd presumably inherit a good chunk of their estate, be able to provide for herself and who knows - maybe even have to pay spousal maintenance to you :D

ampersand

HurdyGurdy - join duchy and RAS and so many others on the podium. Bicker between yourselves over medal colour.

FlashMob for Jack would go viral:-) Yes please!

barbiedoll

What I've found so good on here is the amount of women who are supporting Jack. I think that some posters on here think that all women are of the opinion that we should treat our menfolk as a meal ticket for life and if they dare to fall out of love with us, they should pay for the rest of their lives. Of course, absent fathers should provide for their children and I've no respect for those men who hide their assets, give their property to their mistresses and leave their jobs, simply to get out of paying for their children. But for a woman in this day and age, to expect her ex-husband to pay for her feminine hygiene products, hairdressing costs and a huge house at the coast, after a divorce, is just pathetic. Especially as she doesn't appear to have any plans to pay her own way in the world at all.

She was obviously quite happy to have spent much of her married life living off of her husband. That's all well and good when the children are dependent on their parents for everything. But for her to expect the gravy train to continue now that her children are adults is absurd. What if her and Jack had stayed together? Would he still be working all hours while she spent the day at the hairdressers and the chiropractors? What a boring life, no wonder her husband lost interest in her.

Jack, I wish you all the best, the mediation will not work though, as long as she still expects to live the same life, with the same standards as she did as a married woman. You have had to make changes, living in a flat, and having much less disposable income. Surely she must realise that her life will have to change too?

I don't think that you're getting particularly good advice, from your solicitor, nor from the mediator. No-one seems to realise that you will BOTH have to lower your living standards, two households are more expensive than one and why should you be the only party to suffer, you haven't done anything wrong?

Do have a look at her expenditure notes, you could let us have a look, we are good at picking up on waste, excess spending and unnecessary outgoings, we are all qualified tightwads after all!

Hope you have a peaceful evening, onwards and upwards!

GobbledyGook

Jack - I know you don't want too, but you must go through your ex's financial statement.

You need to work out exactly what she is spending and where it should be funded from.

So if she is saying she needs spousal maintenance because she has to pay £100 in haircuts, £100 for daughter's travel to uni and £100 for food and groceries you need to be going back and pointing out that the haircuts are non-essential and should be self funded, daughters expenses should come from CM and uni grants/loan and only the £100 is an allowable figure to show as an expense (although an allowable expense doesn't mean you pay it - it's just allowable in terms of it's something she 'needs').

You need to go through it with a fine tooth comb because everything for the children should come from the CM. If the CM is not enough then she needs to claim benefits or get a salary to top up the rest.

You need to keep pushing the point that only your youngest is 'a child' and even he is only 'a child' for a very short time. Beyond that they are non-dependant adults who you will deal with directly for any contributions you are making to them.

duchy

I do think this is important. Both you and your wife are thinking of both kids as in need of financial support.
Dependants. À The reality is that legally neither of them are at present. Your daughter is over age and your son doesn't live with his mother so there is no legal obligation to house either of them. Morally is a different matter but the law isn't interested in morality !
In one way all this faffing about is harming her claim as the court will look at their ages and level of dependency.