Separated, how much should I provide?

barbiedoll

Hi Jack.

I've read this thread all the way through and I've just got to comment at least once.

I can't believe how, in this enlightened age, these pampered, spoiled, middle-class women can look their daughters in the eye without shame. Whatever happened to equality and feminism? Your ex-wife demands that you pay her rent, supply a free (to her) car, pay for her complementary therapies and then she has the cheek to call you "a shadow of a man". It's hardly surprising that you're a shadow of your former self, she's sucking the life out of you every day, with her incessant demands.

She's going to have to get a grip, like millions of women in Britain and around the world. She's never had to cope with two children as a single parent, she's never had to work hard outside of the home, unlike many of us who have to work full-time AND run a home and look after a family. She's [STRIKE]sponging off of[/STRIKE] living with her parents and she still expects you to pay for her expensive haircuts, massage treatments and her back-to-work training (which she'd get for free if she would deign to step inside a Jobcentre)

I can fully understand your wish to ensure that you cushion her fall into the real world, despite her protestations, she must realise that you are a decent chap, even if you no longer wish to be married to her. You have provided for her and your children above and beyond the call of duty but you need to stop being a doormat. It's good that you are able to have a conversation with her but stop feeling guilty and start telling her how it is going to be. You won't be paying spousal maintenance for life, the car will be gone within a year and the kids are grown-up and will be given money when you can afford it. The house and pensions are collateral damage, whatever you pay will be worth it to be free of this woman.

Good luck on your journey, I hope that one day, your ex wakes up and realises just how lucky she has been. I know for a fact that you will!

justme111

Good luck with mediation. As you will need it since she will not take the hard truth from you but may take it from mediator. You could point to her that her solicitors that tell her she is.entitled to this and that and the other have mislead her already once re where money from paying for.them will come from and ask what she thinks.about their credibility.
I would recommend saying politely that you.are not.going.to contimue conversation if she uses emotive derogatory remarks like "the.shadow " one. And stick to it. Ex' s have to be trained politely and firmly that they can not behave as if they still were partners.

justme111

Pointing out inappropriate language is mot just being petty. It is helping her to see you differently , if how she sees you changes she will not be that demanding on money side so it will help the whole process .

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

how I could be so cruel and mean as to only give her one third of my income when there is 3 of them and only one of me.

Has she forgotten that the "children" are yours as well?

Depending on how their lives go from here, it's possible that they won't live with either of you or could end up wanting to stay with you or her.

She will have to come to terms that not only is the marriage over but so are her child-rearing days. Even if the two of you had stayed together, she would presumably have been planning to get some kind of a job.

JackRS

Mojisola wrote: »

Has she forgotten that the "children" are yours as well?

Depending on how their lives go from here, it's possible that they won't live with either of you or could end up wanting to stay with you or her.

She will have to come to terms that not only is the marriage over but so are her child-rearing days. Even if the two of you had stayed together, she would presumably have been planning to get some kind of a job.

I spoke to my daughter afterwards and the options for her were discussed, she was obviously hurting and caught in the middle.

duchy

It was probably easier for the kids when they saw their Mum as the "victim" and you as the "bad" one. As time has gone on and they've also matured a bit too it's probably got a lot more complicated for them as they have love for you both and can see the bigger picture but also feel torn loyalties.

Does your daughter actually WANT to move south ?

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

It was probably easier for the kids when they saw their Mum as the "victim" and you as the "bad" one. As time has gone on and they've also matured a bit too it's probably got a lot more complicated for them as they have love for you both and can see the bigger picture but also feel torn loyalties.

Does your daughter actually WANT to move south ?

Obviously what she wants is for us all be together, she misses her brother and he's not enjoying living with his grand parents. She'll go to a london based uni this Sep/Oct so I think she is torn where she wants to be. She does show concern for me and asks me if I'm happy. She says she's got stronger through this experience. However is obviously suffering.

duchy

JackRS wrote: »

Obviously what she wants is for us all be together, she misses her brother and he's not enjoying living with his grand parents. She'll go to a london based uni this Sep/Oct so I think she is torn where she wants to be. She does show concern for me and asks me if I'm happy. She says she's got stronger through this experience. However is obviously suffering.

She's kind of at a crossroads -once she's at uni in London she'll be too busy having fun to spend as much time worrying about you both and it'll be far easier for her to move forward once not living in the family home. Time and space will help enormously.

RAS

JackRS wrote: »

She'll go to a london based uni this Sep/Oct so I think she is torn where she wants to be.

On a mercenary note, is her grant/loan being assessed on your income or on her mother's? She should get more grant and less loan if it is based on mum's income.

JackRS

RAS wrote: »

On a mercenary note, is her grant/loan being assessed on your income or on her mother's? She should get more grant and less loan if it is based on mum's income.

Yes it's based on her mothers, so is getting a loan however as you can imagine a long way short of what's required so needs to earn. She does get a scholarship award of £450 due to good A level grades so, that'll help a bit. However living in London isn't the cheapest place....