Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

Caroline_a wrote: »

My advice to you would be:

1 Move back in

2 Point your ex towards a link for getting housing benefit.

3 Pay maintenance for your children as per CSA amounts

4 Stop paying for her car

5 Reduce any maintenance to her to a minimum (you are setting a precedent by paying her so much)

6 Sell the house

7 Go to court for a clean break and give ex amount awarded by judge

8 Start the rest of your life.

I had a friend who bent over backwards and gave his ex whatever she asked for as you have done. Despite this she totally turned his kids against him (they were 18 and 20), and apart from when they want money (large sums, not small amounts, ie pay for my Masters Degree!) they totally ignored him. He now has no idea where they all live as they moved and didnt tell him and they have all changed their mobile numbers. He was a nice man but became a doormat and got totally used. I hate to say it, but you are going the same way.

I agree I need to the same as what most seem to get away with the minimum. She's had more than a year to get sorted and she is chosing to move back to the coast which is a more expensive area. sadly it was my dream to be able to move back to the coast, it seems she'll be getting my dream as well as everything else. Daughters 21st in 2 weeks so don't want to ruin it.

Caroline_a

JackRS wrote: »

I agree I need to the same as what most seem to get away with the minimum. She's had more than a year to get sorted and she is chosing to move back to the coast which is a more expensive area. sadly it was my dream to be able to move back to the coast, it seems she'll be getting my dream as well as everything else. Daughters 21st in 2 weeks so don't want to ruin it.

So tell your wife that this month's "maintenance" is going on daughters birthday present as you can't afford anything else! After all maintenance is supposed to be for the kids....

Jack, there will always be a reason to do what she says, birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, 2nd Sunday in Lent... etc. If you ever want to have any other life at all you have to grow some b@lls. I know I sound harsh, but believe me, you'll struggle to keen another woman even as just a girlfriend if you are still throwing everything at your ex! Stop doing the 'poor me' thing - you sound like a nice guy, time to be a man and stand up for yourself!

justme111

All in due time jack , all in due time . There is a lot of space down south , your ex going there is not going to stop you from doing so . If I was to chose whether to be in your or your ex's position I would chose yours without doubt.
. My only worry would be not to be seen as a money cow by children but to be honest I myself seen my dad a bit like that and many teenagers /;young people do , I think it is somewhat part of having children . They tend to be selfish when young

justme111

Caroline_a wrote: »

So tell your wife that this month's "maintenance" is going on daughters birthday present as you can't afford anything else! After all maintenance is supposed to be for the kids....

Jack, there will always be a reason to do what she says, birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, 2nd Sunday in Lent... etc. If you ever want to have any other life at all you have to grow some b@lls. I know I sound harsh, but believe me, you'll struggle to keen another woman even as just a girlfriend if you are still throwing everything at your ex! Stop doing the 'poor me' thing - you sound like a nice guy, time to be a man and stand up for yourself!

Caroline ,interim maintenance was agreed and signed by solicitors . I thought jack was supposed to do what solicitors told him to .
I'd you did not notice other women are not his priority now and in any case if other woman wants money thrown at her instead of ex he may well go without that other woman.

JackRS

Caroline_a wrote: »

So tell your wife that this month's "maintenance" is going on daughters birthday present as you can't afford anything else! After all maintenance is supposed to be for the kids....

Jack, there will always be a reason to do what she says, birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter, 2nd Sunday in Lent... etc. If you ever want to have any other life at all you have to grow some b@lls. I know I sound harsh, but believe me, you'll struggle to keen another woman even as just a girlfriend if you are still throwing everything at your ex! Stop doing the 'poor me' thing - you sound like a nice guy, time to be a man and stand up for yourself!

Well I would but solicitors advice seems to go down the line of giving what she needs because it was a 26 year marriage, that apparently makes a difference?

I hear what you’re saying and I did propose a long time ago to pay the CSA recommended but was advised against it by the wikkidivorce recommended solicitor?

JackRS

justme111 wrote: »

Caroline ,interim maintenance was agreed and signed by solicitors . I thought jack was supposed to do what solicitors told him to .
I'd you did not notice other women are not his priority now and in any case if other woman wants money thrown at her instead of ex he may well go without that other woman.

I love this concept of having money to throw around looking forward to that time:rotfl:

No you're right i get your point. I have spoken to a number of ladies about this (that doesn't sound right) anyway, I've spoken to a few that have been through divorce and got their take. All of them find it hard to believe that she's not working but many of them have life time maintenance considerably more than I pay and they were awarded the majority of the house. They also got half the pensions.

Caroline_a

justme111 wrote: »

Caroline ,interim maintenance was agreed and signed by solicitors . I thought jack was supposed to do what solicitors told him to .
I'd you did not notice other women are not his priority now and in any case if other woman wants money thrown at her instead of ex he may well go without that other woman.

I think you miss the point. Not every woman wants money thrown at them, but most women would get pretty fed up with someone who is continually giving money to an ex who is soaking it up like a sponge. I'm not necessarily saying that Jack is looking for a girlfriend, but at some point he might.

Also... no, Jack is not supposed to do what solicitors tell him to do. They do what he says, as he is the one paying. And it looks as if his solicitors are doing a pretty awful job!

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

No you're right i get your point. I have spoken to a number of ladies about this (that doesn't sound right) anyway, I've spoken to a few that have been through divorce and got their take. All of them find it hard to believe that she's not working but many of them have life time maintenance considerably more than I pay and they were awarded the majority of the house. They also got half the pensions.

I thought it was really unusual to pay spousal maintenance these days.

Whatever other couples arrange, your rising debts show that you cannot afford to pay what your ex is demanding.

GobbledyGook

Mojisola wrote: »

I thought it was really unusual to pay spousal maintenance these days.

Whatever other couples arrange, your rising debts show that you cannot afford to pay what your ex is demanding.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record I think it is unusual.

I certainly wasn't ever going to be getting it for life with the judge in charge of our divorce! I also don't know anyone who got it for a very long time; even a childless acquaintance (only using him as so many other people's is tied to children starting/leaving school) was only given it for 4 years as that was seen as plenty of time to sort himself out finance wise (or in his case sell the property which he got a bigger share of, buy himself somewhere new and adjust his lifestyle to his new financial situation).

DS4215

JackRS wrote: »

I hear what you’re saying and I did propose a long time ago to pay the CSA recommended but was advised against it by the wikkidivorce recommended solicitor?

Your daughter is nearly 21 and your son is over 18. Once he leaves FE college (if he hasn't already), isn't the CSA recommended £0 for your kids.