Separated, how much should I provide?

justme111

It is difficult to decide whether to change solicitors as one has little idea of what is normal or good service , I would dread to have to rely on.people who's performance I can not assess, solicitors would be number one in that list .

JackRS

Gigervamp wrote: »

I agree Mojisola. It's been over a year now and she's been trotting out one excuse after another about why she can't work or sign on.

It's time she acted like the adult she is and stood on her own two feet. At the rate this is dragging out, Jack's kids will be having their own kids before he's free of the financial burdon his EX wife is putting on him.

Jack, have you considered using another solicitor?

Thanks again people

I’m on the 2nd solicitor, wikkidivorce put me in touch with brethertons as they were in the top500 and had the backup to be specialists in financial settlements. The problem I have is if I don’t fully support and provide all I can it’s my kids who will be turned more against me, I can here the ex now saying that I’ve abandon them by not providing any more. Then there’s the argument that why should the government pick up her costs and not me. Will have to speak to solicitor Monday and pay another fee for advice, in the meantime I need to work out what is best for me, as whatever I do I’ll be the bad guy.

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

The problem I have is if I don’t fully support and provide all I can it’s my kids who will be turned more against me, I can here the ex now saying that I’ve abandon them by not providing any more.

Then there’s the argument that why should the government pick up her costs and not me.

I need to work out what is best for me, as whatever I do I’ll be the bad guy.

She's basically blackmailing you into giving her money you can't afford.

I think the sooner you realise you're probably always going to be the "bad guy" in her eyes, the sooner you'll be able to stand your ground.

Trust your kids - they're young adults and can make up their own minds about how fair you've been. If she keeps drip-feeding poison into their minds and they can see how much money you're handing over, it could turn them against her.

I can't understand why your solicitor isn't using the amount of debt you're amassing in the arguments about how much you're paying her.

If she got herself moving, the taxpayer wouldn't have to pay out anything to her - she could have been on several training courses by now and be in employment or setting up her own business. If she's too lazy to make any effort to manage her own life, she'll have to get used to claiming benefits. She can't expect you to pay her living expenses for the rest of her life!

CH27

You're going to be the bad guy whatever you do. She seems determined to punish you instead of standing on her own two feet.
Your children are old enough to see the truth so give them time & space.

justme111

I see , the crux of the matter is your relationship with kids ...
Well its only you who provides for them at the moment so it would be pot calling the.kettle.black ..
See whether you can redirect your provision to kids circumventing her ..

ManofLeisure_2

I think it's easy to take sides, but the fact is that there are always two sides to a story. Perhaps Jack's wife has a confidence issue (or mental health problems etc) and finds it difficult to do all that has been suggested - who knows .

Having said that Jack, you sound like a decent chap and should be commended for trying to do the right thing. I hope this situation is resolved very soon and wish you luck

GobbledyGook

There's no way you should be paying her rent.

To put it in context of my own divorce I had 3 young children (1 primary school, 1 about to start school and 1 newborn) and my husband earned considerably more than Jack (going by the figures).

In terms of my income not only was my part time wage noted, but the judge insisted that the tax credit amount that I could claim be included. He stated that my choice to not claim it was no different to if I chose to claim it and spend it on random things - it was my choice and shouldn't be allowed to have a potential negative impact on my husband.

I'm quite concerned about the way your lawyer is acting, they don't seem to be acting very much in your interest.

As I said my children were/are young and I gave up uni to move with/for my husband's job, the moving around in the early years made me having a stable job difficult and my husband himself said he couldn't have had a family and his career without a stay home wife (his colleagues are all either childless or have stay at home partners as well). I was given spousal maintenane until my son goes to high school - that was considered time enough for me to go to uni or retrain or go full time and build up my own earning potential.

I don't believe that anyone in my shoes should be left to fend for themselves or with no recognition of their role in their parters career BUT your ex is being utterly selfish and you shouldn't be expected to be penniless and to fund everything for her forever.

Caroline_a

Jack - this is hard to say, but you cannot buy your kids . If their mother is set on turning them against you, money won't stop that. Why do you not tell the kids that you will be putting money into savings accounts for them. As far as your wife goes, why are you throwing so much money at her? She has no reason to work while you're paring for everything. It's like giving a drug addict drugs - you are enabling her not to work!

Move back into the house, sell it, stop giving that leech of an ex wife money and move on with your life. Otherwise you are stuck with it forever!

JackRS

Caroline_a wrote: »

Jack - this is hard to say, but you cannot buy your kids . If their mother is set on turning them against you, money won't stop that. Why do you not tell the kids that you will be putting money into savings accounts for them. As far as your wife goes, why are you throwing so much money at her? She has no reason to work while you're paring for everything. It's like giving a drug addict drugs - you are enabling her not to work!

Move back into the house, sell it, stop giving that leech of an ex wife money and move on with your life. Otherwise you are stuck with it forever!

I'm giving her that money because I was instructed to, to avoid a court hearing on it which would have cost £4K+ in fees. The way the solicitor views my outgoings, basically identifies what I need to live then anything left they think should go to her!

One of my options is to get a mortgage to buy her out of her portion of the house, would be best if it was 50/50 but unlikely. Then agree maintenance with a fixed period and pension share. That way we wouldn't be dependant on selling the house for the clean break. However as her side are requesting 100% not likely to agree.

Caroline_a

JackRS wrote: »

I'm giving her that money because I was instructed to, to avoid a court hearing on it which would have cost £4K+ in fees. The way the solicitor views my outgoings, basically identifies what I need to live then anything left they think should go to her!

One of my options is to get a mortgage to buy her out of her portion of the house, would be best if it was 50/50 but unlikely. Then agree maintenance with a fixed period and pension share. That way we wouldn't be dependant on selling the house for the clean break. However as her side are requesting 100% not likely to agree.

Instructed to?? By whom? I am astonished that in this day and age any woman can claim maintenance for herself when her children are over school age. Even the State thinks you should go out and get a job. And £4k for fees?? Are you employing Rumpole?? So what happens if you just stop paying? They take you to court. You represent yourself. Tell the judge just how much you have had to borrow and how little money you have left.

I cannot believe that any judge would allow this level of blackmail from your ex and her legal team. You are being taken for a huge ride.