Separated, how much should I provide?

Mojisola

JackRS wrote: »

If we don't rent the house out not sure how I will afford to rent down there? Pros and cons as always. Less hassle if you move back in, in terms of preparing the property for tenants etc and all the paperwork but then no rental money for us to use unless you are willing to give us what you were spending on rent or a contribution? Which might then help you make your decision if you are reluctant to do that! How much do you pay each month if you don't mind me asking? Obviously I would be looking for work so might struggle initially. Lots to consider as always.

So she can claim JSA and then get help with her rent.

You aren't a money pit - your growing debt shows how unsustainable the current arrangements are.

Faced with a ex like yours, I can understand why some men walk away from their job and end up on benefits to get away from these incessant demands.

1trainer1

Morning Jack,

I have gone through the full thread as something very similar happened to my brother, his divorce took a long time nearly as long as yours..

anyway his wife was being awkward and slowly the realisation came that they were separated and life had changed and she adjusted but it was tough.

I think from the email you recieved shows she is adjusting slowly now and realising things are never gonna be the same again.

would you mind me asking when you broke up was it sudden? i.e all of a sudden come home from work and told her its not working and im moving out?

JackRS

1trainer1 wrote: »

Morning Jack,

I have gone through the full thread as something very similar happened to my brother, his divorce took a long time nearly as long as yours..

anyway his wife was being awkward and slowly the realisation came that they were separated and life had changed and she adjusted but it was tough.

I think from the email you recieved shows she is adjusting slowly now and realising things are never gonna be the same again.

would you mind me asking when you broke up was it sudden? i.e all of a sudden come home from work and told her its not working and im moving out?

Hi and thanks for your interest, well difficult to explain in a few sentences, so I’ll have to use a few more….

Basically I’d realised earlier in the relationship that I wasn’t happy with it, but I thought I was being selfish and expecting more than I deserved, so kept with it as it was expected of me. I knew when the children were younger it would be devastating for them so I decided not to rock the boat. I did attempt to discuss with my wife that I wasn’t happy but she didn’t really want to discuss it as she felt I was criticising her She admits now she knew things weren’t right but didn’t think it was serious. I was also guilty of not putting the effort into the relationship and focused on my hobbies and doing things with the children.

I found it very hard to do what was right for me as my father left my mother when I had left home yet I still found it devastating. This is what kept me there as I was determined not to go down the same route. We had a number of discussions before the split and she suggested we go away for weekend, but I just didn’t want to be with her. She proposed that if I didn’t want to be with her I needed to go. She went and stayed with her mum for a week and when she returned I left to stay in a friends house.

I found it very difficult living out of a bedroom, living out of a suitcase and knowing how much pain I was putting them through. I certainly wasn’t any happier so after week I went back for all the wrong reasons. It was very clear I wasn’t in love with her and didn’t want to be there. She went away for a week to stay with a friend in Abu Dhabi then when she returned I left again to live with the same friend .

I Lived there for 6 months before moving to rented. In those early months I attended relate sessions with her, shared my thoughts and feelings. We had planned a family holiday to San Fran in the April, I cancelled my flight but we didn’t get the money back. The others went and I paid for it and gave them £1000 spending money for the 10 days. This was on Credit cards and was part of the £6K of credit card debt that I had when I left. So to answer your question was it all of a sudden, well maybe to some extent to her it was?

1trainer1

JackRS wrote: »

Hi and thanks for your interest, well difficult to explain in a few sentences, so I’ll have to use a few more….

Basically I’d realised earlier in the relationship that I wasn’t happy with it, but I thought I was being selfish and expecting more than I deserved, so kept with it as it was expected of me. I knew when the children were younger it would be devastating for them so I decided not to rock the boat. I did attempt to discuss with my wife that I wasn’t happy but she didn’t really want to discuss it as she felt I was criticising her She admits now she knew things weren’t right but didn’t think it was serious. I was also guilty of not putting the effort into the relationship and focused on my hobbies and doing things with the children.

I found it very hard to do what was right for me as my father left my mother when I had left home yet I still found it devastating. This is what kept me there as I was determined not to go down the same route. We had a number of discussions before the split and she suggested we go away for weekend, but I just didn’t want to be with her. She proposed that if I didn’t want to be with her I needed to go. She went and stayed with her mum for a week and when she returned I left to stay in a friends house.

I found it very difficult living out of a bedroom, living out of a suitcase and knowing how much pain I was putting them through. I certainly wasn’t any happier so after week I went back for all the wrong reasons. It was very clear I wasn’t in love with her and didn’t want to be there. She went away for a week to stay with a friend in Abu Dhabi then when she returned I left again to live with the same friend .

I Lived there for 6 months before moving to rented. In those early months I attended relate sessions with her, shared my thoughts and feelings. We had planned a family holiday to San Fran in the April, I cancelled my flight but we didn’t get the money back. The others went and I paid for it and gave them £1000 spending money for the 10 days. This was on Credit cards and was part of the £6K of credit card debt that I had when I left. So to answer your question was it all of a sudden, well maybe to some extent to her it was?

So honestly speaking she knew something was right a long while ago but brushed it under the carpet.

If you dont mind me saying your personality sounds very passive. i.e you are very easygoing and good natured thinking the best of others instead of thinking about yourself.

Part of why she is making it difficult and why she was before was because of anger, she is realising now you should have separated a long while ago but didnt and probably thinks she has got no future as it is easier for a guy to move on than a woman.

sorry if it has been said before but this is all hypothetical and the worst thing is that your anger and resentment towards each other grows

justme111

Jack , on reading the letter - difficult to have an opinion.on.it as we do not know details. I would be tempted to offer moving back to the house until it is sold and paying her 50% of whatever your gain from that moving back is.
As whatever happened before in money has already happened and should mot be taken into account , 50% in any new events sounds very fair. I know you may feel like "she is not going to have a penny more from me " but if you yourself will have two pennies as a result of coordinated with her actions why not to give her one of them .. Obviously check it with solicitors.

duchy

How on earth does she expect the house to be sold if it has tenants?

I think you need to reply pointing this out and suggest she uses her head and does what any reasonable person would do when relocating and stay with her parents until she finds a job and knows the location she needs to have a good journey between home and work .......as well as knowing what she'll be earning so ensures she rents something fitting to her income.

Putting the cart before the horse is not logical.

As for the kids you are already the bad guy for leaving however no matter how loyal they may feel to their Mum they are probably wondering why she isn't getting on with life.....and hoping she will so they can get on with theirs. I think you just need to continue to be very clear that the split with their Mum is entirely separate to your relationship with them. You may want to consider that your own emotions when your parents split up May colour your assumptions about how your kids are feeling .......they aren't you.

JackRS

Yes sent an explanation of the current status to solicitor Monday and phoned her yesterday but she was in court so left a message to call me back, I'll call again at 4 if not heard from her. Letting agent has just responded to my request to keep rental as it is and move to a rolling contract. Landlord only agree to keeping rent the same if I sign up for 12 months. So there asking if I'll be vacating at the end of contract end of July or willing to pay the increase.

JackRS

duchy wrote: »

How on earth does she expect the house to be sold if it has tenants?

I think you need to reply pointing this out and suggest she uses her head and does what any reasonable person would do when relocating and stay with her parents until she finds a job and knows the location she needs to have a good journey between home and work .......as well as knowing what she'll be earning so ensures she rents something fitting to her income.

Putting the cart before the horse is not logical.

As for the kids you are already the bad guy for leaving however no matter how loyal they may feel to their Mum they are probably wondering why she isn't getting on with life.....and hoping she will so they can get on with theirs. I think you just need to continue to be very clear that the split with their Mum is entirely separate to your relationship with them. You may want to consider that your own emotions when your parents split up May colour your assumptions about how your kids are feeling .......they aren't you.

Yes I know it is silly, one of my options may be to buy her out of her portion of the house, problem is that's not agreed as she's requesting 100%/0. I really don't want to buy the place twice but need toconsider the options and if we can agree the proportion share would make a clean break and still got a home that the children can come back to.

justme111

Would be good timing for moving to a marital home then .
You have to give one month notice with rent so I guess you have a couple of more weeks to think.
Duchy , you are absolutely right , I do not think it is up to jack to have that dialogue with his ex though, I think his strategy should be to give the least and say the least as whatever he says specially if it is criticising her life position will just inflame the issues . She has not contracted him as a life coach so she is not going to.appreciate him trying to be one.

Caroline_a

My advice to you would be:

1 Move back in

2 Point your ex towards a link for getting housing benefit.

3 Pay maintenance for your children as per CSA amounts

4 Stop paying for her car

5 Reduce any maintenance to her to a minimum (you are setting a precedent by paying her so much)

6 Sell the house

7 Go to court for a clean break and give ex amount awarded by judge

8 Start the rest of your life.

I had a friend who bent over backwards and gave his ex whatever she asked for as you have done. Despite this she totally turned his kids against him (they were 18 and 20), and apart from when they want money (large sums, not small amounts, ie pay for my Masters Degree!) they totally ignored him. He now has no idea where they all live as they moved and didnt tell him and they have all changed their mobile numbers. He was a nice man but became a doormat and got totally used. I hate to say it, but you are going the same way.