Separated, how much should I provide?

JackRS

Thanks everyone!

2014 is here so I have to face up to those issues I put off for the last 2 weeks. Such as paying solicitor bills and plus divorce fees as Decree Nisi pronounced 21st November I've been ordered to pay her costs limited to £537. Getting nowhere with credit ref agents as down to Electoral Roll not updating until 17 Feb.

ampersand

Glad you're safely back Jack and hope some real life normalcy and good times have convinced you that more lies ahead.
I'm glad you're not down there with tonight's forecast weather though.
I won't be near a putah tomorrow to do my usual Friday:wave:
We'll all be giving the same good wishes this time next year to a VERY different Jack indeed.

duchy

Hope things are progressing for you Jack and that no news is good news.

JackRS

Hi well actuary is preparing pensions report so nothing really to report on that front. However things have got a little better with my son.

My ex told me he was planning on getting a car which my obvious initial reaction was surely this is not sensible as he doesn’t have a job. He’s got savings and money from his grandparents for his 18th in Feb that he’ll use to buy a cheap car and pay for insurance, which as we all know just the start of the costs. I said so how does he intend to run it, well apparently the money she gives him for his train fare to college she’ll continue for fuel? The he’s been trying to get a job to pay for running costs? My point was well he’s been trying to get a job for a while which we all know is difficult these days so what’s going to suddenly change now? Surely he should wait until he’s got a job before buying a car. She then gives me the explanation that she’s discussed with him and he wants his independence not to rely on grandparents for lifts.

I find it frustrating not to see the bigger picture! Yes I understand he wants to be independently mobile etc. She says to me surely you understand he’s excited and wants to do it just like I did. I said but I saved for my first car when I was 16 and was doing 3 jobs. She says she didn’t want to burst his bubble and if it needs money for repairs etc it’ll have to stay off the road until he can afford it. So I thought I can see her using this against me and tell him I’m against it.

So even though I don’t think it’s a good use of his savings etc I decide to support him by offering to take him to look at cars and send him some links to some on line, which he responded to well. I then spotted that a new Morrisons in his area was opening soon and looking for staff, so sent him the link to apply. He hadn’t seen it and thanked me.

So although I don’t think getting a car with having a job first is crazy I’ve decided to support his wishes for the sake of our relationship. I will explain my reservations to him but tell him he’s an adult now and has to make the decisions for himself and accept the consequences, I’ve got £17k of debt on credit cards and can’t afford to bail him out if he needs it. Also having the car will maybe open up more options in terms of getting a job as he can be more flexible in terms of location?

msb5262

Hi Jack,
I think you've done the right thing in supporting your son despite your reservations. He will be hugely motivated to get a job now and that may well tip the balance in interviews etc. Hope you are doing ok yourself now, I think this is a good start to the new year!

RAS

Think you handled that really well, Jack.

Support his decision but make plain that he reaps the benefit or otherwise of his actions.

Provided GPs do not bail him out all the time it might be a good thing long term.

And anything that gets you two talking is worth more than £K.

JackRS wrote: »

Hi well actuary is preparing pensions report so nothing really to report on that front. However things have got a little better with my son.

My ex told me he was planning on getting a car which my obvious initial reaction was surely this is not sensible as he doesn’t have a job. He’s got savings and money from his grandparents for his 18th in Feb that he’ll use to buy a cheap car and pay for insurance, which as we all know just the start of the costs. I said so how does he intend to run it, well apparently the money she gives him for his train fare to college she’ll continue for fuel? The he’s been trying to get a job to pay for running costs? My point was well he’s been trying to get a job for a while which we all know is difficult these days so what’s going to suddenly change now? Surely he should wait until he’s got a job before buying a car. She then gives me the explanation that she’s discussed with him and he wants his independence not to rely on grandparents for lifts.

I find it frustrating not to see the bigger picture! Yes I understand he wants to be independently mobile etc. She says to me surely you understand he’s excited and wants to do it just like I did. I said but I saved for my first car when I was 16 and was doing 3 jobs. She says she didn’t want to burst his bubble and if it needs money for repairs etc it’ll have to stay off the road until he can afford it. So I thought I can see her using this against me and tell him I’m against it.

So even though I don’t think it’s a good use of his savings etc I decide to support him by offering to take him to look at cars and send him some links to some on line, which he responded to well. I then spotted that a new Morrisons in his area was opening soon and looking for staff, so sent him the link to apply. He hadn’t seen it and thanked me.

So although I don’t think getting a car with having a job first is crazy I’ve decided to support his wishes for the sake of our relationship. I will explain my reservations to him but tell him he’s an adult now and has to make the decisions for himself and accept the consequences, I’ve got £17k of debt on credit cards and can’t afford to bail him out if he needs it. Also having the car will maybe open up more options in terms of getting a job as he can be more flexible in terms of location?

ampersand

As all others have said Jack, your wisdom, despite reservations, is carrying the day.
Adolescents inevitably make mistakes, but not all learn by them. The best counter here is your presence in the equation.
You really are a noble example to both your son, and your daughter.
I hope, one day, that both your children will read this Thread.
Another week gone Jack and I hope the flat has become in some sense your home, for however short a time.

kelpie35

I think you should be very proud of yourself, Jack in the way you have handled the situation with your son.

I hope the relationship will continue to flourish.

Hope you manage to sort out your financial woes very soon and that you can move on with your life.

You deserve to be dealt a good outcome.

justme111

Tx for an update. I join the local chorus of approval. Even if there was no issue with relationships and you still were one family unit it probably would be the right thing to do. Good you discussed something in a civil manner with an ex.Re debt - don.t forgetit should be taken into account and come off the house equity once itis sold before division of money left

Lieja

Hi jack, I've been following your thread but haven't posted until now. Just wanted to say what a lovely dad you seem to be, and that your children are really lucky to have you even if things aren't great between you and their mum.

You've definitely done the right thing about the car, too. As long as he knows that it's his, and the bills will also be his, then you can only be supportive of his decision. It won't just massively increase his employability, it'll give him a reason to want to work! If you're any good with cars, then it's first inevitable fix can be a bit of a bonding session for you both too.