Back and Feeling rather ashamed!

Lucy1982_2

Hi Pania

I love your thread and wanted to post.

I completely understand what you are feeling, my Father walked out when I was 8 and I haven't seen him since I was 11 (now 25), no birthday/Christmas cards etc. I had a £100 cheque when I turned 18 and a letter when I was 21, explaining how he would 'always be there for me'

Like you I can't say I feel anger, I feel hurt, abandoned and let down by the one man in my life who should have ALWAYS stood by me. I sometimes feel like asking where he was when I completed my degree, when my fiancee had an affair and our relationship broke down. He wasn't there, because he chose not to be.

My Mum asks even now if I want to trace him and I don't, because I don't know how to deal with the emotions of an abandoned 11 year old. The only thing I have to confort me is that thought that he wasn't suited to having children, there was nothing in his behaviour that I remember that had any parental nature in it. I feel like I am best without him.

I guess I have some questions I would like answering, but I'm not sure I actually want them answered (if that makes any sense) I mean the man can walk past me in the street and not say anything!! Ok I have grown up but my mum still looks the same.

I just wanted to let you know your not alone and if you do decide to see him, it has to be on your terms, he cannot expect a father/daughter relationship with you after so long.

Take care sweet and I hope you managed to get some sleep

x

pania

i think that deep down it HAS affected me and is the root to quite a few insecurities that i have. As you said Lucy *thanks so much for posting by the way* where was he when i passed out from police training? where was he when i was going through hell two years ago, where was he when my sister got married and had kids. No where because he couldn't give a stuff.
Like you i could walk past him in the street and not have a clue whatsoever.

I know that he will be having feelings of trepidation and concern about getting in touch. I think he is expecting to get rejected and in a way that makes me sad. I will take my time i think and as you say hypno do what feels right to do. A the moment that is getting in contact by letter even if it is just to empty out the feelings inside me that seem to be spilling out of my fingers onto beloved MSE right now!! Mum and dad have gone on holiday for a week which gives me some breathing space. I may speak to dad as he went through the same thing locating his daughter, may find out how he felt and why he wanted to trace her. Just hope he opens up and talks to me about it.
Thanks for the reply karma, and yes you are right about the can of worms. He has set this ball off down the hill now and he has to face what comes. If he can begrudge paying £50 per month for my wellbeing when a veritable stranger steps in and raises me as his own, not begrudging anything to my mum or her children then what does that say about how important we were to him
OH says that he may not have physically been able to contact us, in my mind parental love is the strongest love of all and one that should be fought for tooth and nail until there is no fight left.
ANyway i'm rambling again and really must get on the road, need to shoot to town then up to northampton, awful day for a long drive, best i take some good cd's!!!

Thanks again peeps. this site is a god send.

Lucy1982_2

Thank Pania

It is tough and you need to do what you feel is right. All I know is I would find it very hard meeting the stranger that is my father.

Good luck and I hope you are pleased with whatever you decide.

pania

Thanks Lucy, I'e seen you around quite a few times but not seen a diary? hope that you are ok and thanks again for posting. xx

redsquirrel80

Morning P, my goodness that is quite a thing to have to deal with. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision, just take your time and look after yourself. Huge hugs xx

Lucy1982_2

There is a dairy, I often pop by but normally only read. I just understand what you are going through.

It's just me and Mum and everyday I thank her for the job she has done, every step of the way she has been there. She is my best friend.

maxmycardagain

i asked mum who my dad was, she replied "some sailors"

laugh and the world laughs with you, laugh at nothing and they lock you up...

pania

Lucy1982 wrote: »

It's just me and Mum and everyday I thank her for the job she has done, every step of the way she has been there. She is my best friend.

I couldn't have said it better myself. xx

Hi Squirrel, hope you're doing ok hon. Gotta start getting ready now hope to catch up with you soon. xx

pania

Well thats just made me laugh maxmycardigan so a big thankyou!! (great username by he way!!)

blackangeluk

Hi P

I've only just caught up on your thread, sorry for not posting sooner. What a shock hun!! You can only do what feels right for you and nothing else.

I cannot say I understand how you feel but I have an inkling of the emotions you might be going through. DS is adopted and was put into foster care at a very young age. He has always been very private about this and showed little emotion about it, but always seemed very insecure and protective about people getting close to him.

When our DD was born he decided to trace his birth parents. We managed to find them very easily and he has met up with both of them. He has had a few meetings, asked the questions he had and moved on. He is still in touch with them via text messages on the odd occasion etc, but he says that he feels he has done what he has always needed to. He now knows where he has come from, the reasons he was given up etc. I think he found it hard as his mum kept other children but not him But he has no emotional feeling for his birth Mum, he has no intention of calling her mum despite her request for him to and he feels his adoptive parents are his natural ones. He also commented that he was far better off being adopted as he would have led a very different life otherwise. He is very grateful for what he has now in hindsight.

IMHO he is now so much more relaxed, secure and happier since finding them and then leaving it back in the past. This may not be the same for you as everyone is different but I think you are right taking your time to make a decision. If you do meet him, don't expect anything and be honest with yourself and him.

My DH also wrote to his adoptive parents when he decided to trace his birth ones saying that they were always his parents, he would call no-one else Mum and Dad and that he just had to do this for himself. He put it in a letter so no one could interrupt him, and he basically said he loved them unconditionally. His mum was in bits at the time, but she is now glad he made the decision he did.

Not sure what I am trying to say but I really hope you manage to get your head round it all and make the decision .

Really good news about the Hospital as well, glad it all worked out ok.

Take care x