Back and Feeling rather ashamed!

Seaxwyn

Ooh Pania that IS a big deal. I can't offer any advice because I'm totally unqualified. Except to say there's no rush to make a decision - take your time, and even if you think you know what you want to do, give it 24 hours at least before making any calls.

It's natural that you would feel insecure after such a rejection but please remember that you are not worthless - whatever reason he left you was entirely his problem and nothing to do with you.

You have a loving father, whatever ups and downs you've had in your relationship it's clear that fundamentally he is there for you. Don't let this biological dad take away from that.

Sorry not talking much sense! Go to bed now and don't stress about it.

pania

thanks seaxwyn, think is a decision that needs sleeping on, and maybe tomorrow night...and maybe the night after... can always rely on there being someone here to listen, thanks hon. i told mum to telldad that no matter what he is my father, and whatever i do that will always be the case. my siblings don't want to know at all and have already sent letters to that effect apparently, just hope they don't eventually regret such a rushed decision.

hope you're ok hon. xx

Sea78

MASSIVE hugs to you hon - I can't imagine how much your head must be swimming now. It will take a lot of think ing and talking to work out what to do. Thinking of you

Sea xxx

OliveOyl_2

Hun, big hugs to you. It's a bit of a mind blower isn't it???


But, you were 1 when he went? With no contact since? Who knows what "his" side of the story is?

My heart really lurches for you.

Sy1

Hi Pania,

That must be a massive shock for you, I guess it's one of those situations that you can't truly understand unless you've been there and experienced it yourself.

Having not been there I can't begin to understand how you must be feeling and just wanted to give you my sympathies and hope you work it out.

Obviously this won't change the situation with your real dad - the one who has brought you up and loved you and been there as a dad, but I can't help feeling that if it was me I'd maybe want the opportunity to answer all the questions you must have about why - and why it's taken so long for him to get in touch - and why now? Also if you choose to ignore this it has to be a decision you are totally comfortable with as you don't want to live to regret not taking this chance in the future.

Those are just my thoughts, I appreciate it's a tricky one, and what you do has to be your decision - and hopefully ultimately deep down your gut instinct will tell you if you want to find out more or leave well alone.

Big hugs and take care, I hope you work out what to do xxx

Ches

I like you never knew my father and my mother, during her lifetime never gave any clues to who he was. Not even a name. I was always more than happy with the dad I finished up with and while he and my mother were alive I never rocked the boat by asking too many questions. Now I often look at my own family and as you do I think 'oh, DD looks like me or GS looks like his dad'. I can never say that about myself except for the bits that look/feel/act like my mum. I don't actually share a mum and dad with anyone as my sisters and brothers only share a mum with me so its as if half of me has no identifying roots. I can't say its a huge issue with me but it is something that I ponder on at times. I think it has made an impact on my personnality in that it has made me a bit of a loner and I somethimes feel a bit distant from the rest of the family. I don't know if this is something that has ever bothered you but if it is then this is an opportunity to see for yourself if you have inherited anything at all from this man. It may help you to understand who you really are. I will never know.

hypno06

Hugs P, hope you managed to get some sleep xx

Don't rush to making any decision - you will have lots of thoughts going through your mind over the next few days or weeks - some angry, some curious, some "who knows".

Anything that has waited 28 years can wait a few days longer while you get your head together.

You know where I am - the kettle is always on, and the sofa always here xx

pania

Thanks for all the replies guys i really appreciate it. Had a very long talk with OH about it last night and am knackered and head wimming today. although i did get some sleep thank god.
It just seems to be one thing after the other you know. I have throughout my childhood and my life thought about "him" but never asked questions, i've thought "what if" a lot, and like you say ches looked in a mirror and wondered if i look like him.
He left when i was 1 and last contact i had with him was when i was 3. He paid maintenance and stopped it directly on my 16th birthday. I didn't get as card, mum got a letter. She had to fight him through a solicitor to get him to pay it til i was 18 as i was going to college. I never got a birthday card, never got a christmas card, so yes i'm now thinking, Why now? why go to that expense to trace us? The investigator dropped a hint to my folks that he may be ill, so would this be my last chance to find some things out? what if i don't a regret it in later years?
OH thinks it would be cruel to give him false hope, to make him believe i am interested when all i want right now is answers. I feel asthough i'm harping on about answers but i have a 3 year old child inside me right now saying why me. I don't do hatred, i can't feel hatred but something pretty close to that is bubbling on the surface right now. I'm angry, i'm confused and i'm curious.
I just wonder when it's all going to stop. I went to the hospital yesterday as i've been having tests for some health concerns and got some wonderfully fantastic news that the worst case sceanrio wasn't going to happen. I was elated and over the moon. Then this just whacks me straight back down again, like someone going , ha ha! gocha!!
Sorry for rambling just pouring the owrds out really, will shut up now. I have a shirt to iron. Thanks so much for your replies above. xxx

hypno06

If you have questions that you would want to ask, then you would be able to ask them. I expect he has the expectation that you will be asking questions, so he will be ready with the answers.

I don't for one minute expect that he would be expecting you to go rushing up to him squealing "Daddyyyyy" - he will be expecting and also experiencing those conflicting emotions himself.

If you think you might regret it if you don't find out, then find out. Go in with an open mind, ask your questions, and then you know what you are dealing with - it is easier to deal with problems once you know what those problems are, rather than putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 73.

Having said that - whatever you choose to do is exactly that. What YOU choose to do. You will do what is right for you and you must say out loud that you are doing what is right, right now, not what might be wrong when you look back in 20 years time.

But more importantly, go have a cup of tea before you start work xx

Karmacat

Oh Pania, I really feel for you. I don't think any of us who haven't been in the same situation can really know what its like, but we can certainly empathise. I'm a little bit of a loner for the same sort of reason, tho not so absolute - my dad went away when I was one year old, but he went to look for a job in Canada, and came back 6 months later .... I think he felt like a ghost to me, and thats whats given me my interest in the paranormal, and also stopped me trusting very easily. My mum said that even when I was 5 years old, I wouldn't stay alone in the house with him. But I don't remember that attitude.

I think the advice Seaxwyn gave you at the top of the thread is the right one - wait a little bit, see how you feel. This might be the only chance you get to get that medical history, for example, and later in life that could be important. As for him having false hope you want to see him, when all you want are answers, well, so what? What's that compared to leaving a one year old, and being so distant about the maintenance?

Please do what feels best for you. There's no 100% right answer, even inside yourself, I shouldn't imagine, which is why you need to take time to find your own balance. He's literally knocked you off your balance with this, give yourself time to find it again.

And you've been going through big health worries as well..... I'm glad the worst has been ruled out, when it comes down to it, our health is the basis of everything else, isn't it.

So, take care, I'll be thinking of you today.
xx