What Do I Do

thunderbird

thewalkingdead wrote: »

myself and my daughter are both disabled she's our main carer.

she gets depressed over things, lost her mum when she was young, and most her family are distant from us.

I think these should have been the key points in your first post. Interesting that from your perspective these are not seen as so important.

pink_princess

Person_one wrote: »

Wow, seriously? That's an issue I'd try to deal with if I was you. What if he becomes disabled and struggles to keep weight off? What if he ever needs to go on steroids long term? What if he just gains a bit of middle age spread when he retires?

I really don't know

My OH is almost fifty now and still the skinny 6ft 4 he has always been.

I have been anorexic since I was in my early teens, pump fed twice. My best size was a size 12 when due to drop my DD2

Other than that my highest weight has been a size 8 Currently a 6.

If my OH gained weight due to a disability I would be fine, I work in a health field. But by lack of motivation etc, I just find it awful

My apologies to anybody overweight, it is my issue not yours x

nmlc

Evening everyone

I hope you don't mind me joining in with this thread. I don't think the OP is being mean etc - I think he's at a loss at what to do and how to help. MY DH never particularly said much about my weight whether I was slimmer or bigger, but he's not particularly slim so could hardly comment! I do think though that there may be more deep rooted problems with OP's wife though, the fact that she doesn't like nudity, sex scenes in films etc, and won't buy them etc - possibly this is from childhood, maybe she had parents/family that said that nudity/sex scenes were dirty? Sounds like OP's wife has a hectic lifestyle so may be trying to give her some "me time", so she can go to the hairdressers, or for a facial, have her nails done occasionally, might help her self esteem, if you know you look good it makes you feel good.

I'm a female of 43 who has always had a battle with her weight. For me, my weight and mental health were definitely connected, and think this is the case for most people, male and female. My weight has yo-yo'd from a low weight I can't maintain to being very overweight. Went through a stage where I started standing on the scales a ridiculous amount of times a day, after eating, after going to the loo etc. I've tried both the main diet clubs, and had success with both - but then the weight went back on as I found the regime difficult to maintain for a long period of time, and of course a little bit more weight went on each time. I became bigger and bigger and it wasn't until mentally in a really bad place that I had my LBM. In 2009, my best friend got married and 3 days after the wedding I was looking at the photos we had taken of the day, I was absolutely horrified at how I looked, and said to my DH "do I really look that bad?", he replied "no darling you look lovely as you always do", but I KNEW I looked horrendous, and from that day on I KNEW I didn't want to by fat any more. I was approaching my 40th birthday and have always had the thought, "if I'm fat and 40 I'll never get the weight off". I didn't go back to any diet clubs, when you've done them as many times as I have you know what you need to do - I just started (and still do to this day) having a proper breakfast, porridge, then lunch is a salad, and dinner is a home cooked normal meal but something reasonably healthy within less than a week my IBS had virtually disappeared and I felt so much better in my self. I've now lost around 4-5 stone, and in that time haven't particularly done any exercise but do more active things because I feel I can (it's a case of the old saying, the more you do the more you feel you can do!). I'm not a skinny bird by any stretch of the imagination but love having curves and am a size 14 with big boobs (sorry if TMI) - for me this is where I want to be, I'm happy with where I am and although I would like to be a stone lighter know that I can't hold my weight at that level but where I am I can. Since losing the weight mentally I'm in a much better place and feel sexy, confident and generally happy with my lot. But at the end of the day, the only person that can do it is yourself and I wanted it more than anything else and still do, I do eat reasonably healthy and there are things I just don't eat, but I love wine and that's my treat. But at the end of the day, you have to want it for you. I've found the whole experience very empowering too. May be the GP can help if the OP's wife is not in a good place mentally.

HTH.

Kind regards
nmlc x

Mojisola

tesuhoha wrote: »

On the other hand it might cheer her up immensely and boost her self esteem if she manages to successfully lose weight.

If there is a psychological reason behind the overeating, trying to cut back on food without dealing with the underlying issue will fail. Repeated failure will only make the underlying problems worse.

Dealing with those issues will make losing weight much easier.

wik

Hi OP....
this is such an emotive subject.... as someone who struggles with weight and depression issues I just have to say... please please never do to her what my ex husband did to me! After my 3rd child, when I was struggling to lose the baby weight, he started...
"you are a fat ugly cxxt"
"no man would want a fat Biatch like you "..

after we split up it took me 3 years before I went on a date... and realised that some men do like us cuddly girls

May I suggest you look at these links... they are free

http://www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/weight-loss-guide/Pages/weight-loss-guide.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/c25k/Pages/couch-to-5k.aspx

wik x

Person_one

pink_princess wrote: »

I really don't know

My OH is almost fifty now and still the skinny 6ft 4 he has always been.

I have been anorexic since I was in my early teens, pump fed twice. My best size was a size 12 when due to drop my DD2

Other than that my highest weight has been a size 8 Currently a 6.

If my OH gained weight due to a disability I would be fine, I work in a health field. But by lack of motivation etc, I just find it awful

My apologies to anybody overweight, it is my issue not yours x

I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder, its not that surprising that you still have some issues then. I hope you're still getting help and support.

ecgirl07

thewalkingdead wrote: »

she doesnt have sugar in tea she dont drink coffea, we have breakfast, wich consists of cereal, dinner wich is proabably something like, salad and fresh cooked meats, potatoes, and the onto supper wich could either be a cooked dinner, chicken in redwine suace, chicken in white cream sauce, fish mash and oinions etc.

she does eat small amounts inbetween foods, nothing with chocolate in i would say something like creme cheese on crackers, or a ham salad sandwich, or a packet of chrisps. she rarely drinks coke, but like the stuff that gives you wings and ive begged her not to drink that stuff.

we drink alot of tea with semi skimmed milk etc.

That right there could be the problem 110 calories in a tin. Look into green tea you can drink pints and pints of it and its brilliant for you. A sandwich and a packet of crisps is lunch so if she eating that between meals she is adding in another meal.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ is a brilliant resource, set yourself and partner up and keep a food diary for a week then you can analysis it and see where the extra calories are coming from and figure out what to cut from the shopping (if its not in its not available to eat)

Walking is great exercise pencil in a 30 minute part of the day where your wife can go for a walk, it'll give her a break from the house and will burn off at least 1 can of red bull! An app like http://www.mapmyrun.com/ is fun for calculating distance and setting targets to get further in the 30 minutes.

If you can make little changes and not call it a diet it might help with the depressing side to "being on a diet".

good luck with it all. its not easy, im going to have to buckle down myself for 10 weeks of healthy eating

FBaby

OP, you have provided a lot more information that helps understand the dynamics of your family and potential reasons why your wife has put on weight and is struggling to lose it.

I have a tendency to put on weight when I am most exhausted. It's as if my body not getting energy through rest is trying to get it through food. I'm wondering whether this could be one factor for your wife. She is a carer to a demanding child and disabled partner, and this must be exhausting in many ways mentally and psychologically.

From all what you have been writing since yesterday, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. It looks like there are psychological reasons why your wife has put on weight and is struggling to lose it and until these are tackled, however much she might want to lose it, the will to do so might be out of her control.

Instead of focusing on her weight and encouraging her to lose it, can you try to get her to open up about how she feels about being a carer? Does she feels she has enough rest, me-time, is she happy to be a carer, or would she deep inside would prefer to be out at work?

I think the issue here runs deeper than a case of needing to lose weight and the fact you struggle to find her attractive seems a minor one at the time being compared to the deeper issues that are likely to cause the weight.

rockybalboa

You need to tell her your concerened about her health and say that you both need to eat healthier and loose a few pounds.

This is what my missus told me 14 weeks ago and I have lost 2stone 10pounds and 7inches round my belly. Used to be a 40inch in jeans and now I can squeeze in to a 34, and im 33 yrs old
I found it quite easy and the thing was I wanted to do it and was motivated by her not to fall of the wagon. keep off the beer to that helps a lot.
she showed me photos of what I used to look like and I was getting bit of a slob, and now im full of energy and feel great. the sex is better too.
the way I did it was she bought the Hairy Dieters book and I stuck to it like the bible and am still doing it. still have another stone to shift, but loosing 1-2 pounds a week is going in the right direction.
give that book a try and do exactly what it says and you will succeed.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I have a tendency to put on weight when I am most exhausted. It's as if my body not getting energy through rest is trying to get it through food. I'm wondering whether this could be one factor for your wife. She is a carer to a demanding child and disabled partner, and this must be exhausting in many ways mentally and psychologically.

rockybalboa wrote: »

she showed me photos of what I used to look like and I was getting bit of a slob, and now im full of energy and feel great. the sex is better too.

If the real problem with walkingdead's wife is that she's overwhelmed by being a carer, showing her photos of how she looked before life threw all this stress at her is not likely to have a good result!

walkingdead - has your wife had a Carer's Assessment by Social Workers? She should have one done so that her needs are recognised and the SS may also be able to offer her some respite. When did she last have a break from being a 24/7 carer - a few days away on her own, a regular social event that she can go to alone? Even if she only joins her local Carers Group at least she will be able to share her feelings with others who will know what she is dealing with.