What Do I Do

thewalkingdead

sorry in advance for the long thread, im a regular member but posting under a different username to remain annonymous.

Me and the Wife have been together for 11 years.

We are in our late 20's have children rent our home etc.

Now, my wife was an attractive woman when we met, over the years and having children wieght has seemed to pile on her, she was 9 and a half stone when we met and now she's closing in on 19 stone, i fear for her health and care she is not tall and now she's finding problems with herself, her hips hurt, her back hurts, shes finding lumps (checked out nothing to worry about) getting out of breath quicker.

ive just come to notice myself not being physically attracted to her no longer, ive been shying away from getting close to her kissing, cuddling, even sex has declined as i find myself no longer wanting to have sex with her.

my attitude is also changing towards her, im not engaging in conversation with her like i used to, the relationship at present is better than most other relationships around us, we dont argue, we dont bicker, we talk things out and dont blame eachother for misshaps, but our sexual relationship has taken a hit, i find myself not wanting to go to bed with her, i cant bring myself to cuddle, kiss her. my wife has never really had a sex drive, and makes comments about nudity on telly being rude, and adverts for chatlines should be banned, she looks for nudity on dvd covers and dont buy them if it contains scenes of a sexual nature and will get off put by scenes in programs of films aired on tv she simply stops watching it and goes to another room.

ive raised this issue with her before, she gets into a frame of mind that yes ill start losing wieght, and that all she does is start, and never follows it up its all over in the first 2-3 weeks and it back to normal, ive spent hundreds on equipment, they never get used or they get sold on, i bought a console and some fitness games that she asked for and they have never been used, "too hard" she says or i dont like that one.

ive encouraged her friends have encouraged her, ive been supportive of her losing wieght everystep of the way, now i cant be bothered to raise the issue no more, i know what the outcome will be, am i being selfish here? to want to be physically attracted to her again, to be able to cuddle and kiss her again, want to go to bed with her again rather than passing?

how do i get motivated in raising the issue, only to be shown it was all for nothing again when she starts and only goes so far and gives up like previous attempts, whats can i do to change her frame of mind when she starts and prevent her giving up on it.

[Deleted User]

Do you think your wife has no idea you are not attracted to her any more?

How soul destroying that must be for her , the problem she has with nudity may be because most sexual scenes etc involve a woman with a slim waist , big boobs and a toned body ( and most real women do not live up to the 'ideal' )

Especially in later life we age , sometimes put on weight , go grey , everything heads South , but we can still feel sexy in our own eyes if not ( many ) other peoples

So she is not your 'cup of tea' anymore but unfortunately this will knock her confidence even more and any pressure or even 'encouragement' for her to lose weight will just confirm the fact that you are not attracted to her any more

I thought it was the PERSON which counts as like it or not , men don't always scrub up too well by say 50 , but if you love that person you will love their saggy botty and wrinkles etc too!!!

I think losing weight is something she has to do on her own and because she wants to do it for herself and her health etc and any pressure to do so will just make things worse as she obviously does not feel sexy if her own husband does not find her sexy any more

The funny ( or not so funny for you ) thing is there are PLENTY of men out there who WOULD find her attractive if her confidence is not constantly knocked and left to her own devices she could be taking part in some of those sex scenes from the movies with SOMEONE ELSE!!!

( I put on weight during the course of my last relationship , if the guy had become repulsed by it I would have ditched him FIRST and then the fat in my own time of course and for my own self not anybody else BUT find someone who loved me big or small or anything in between and vice versa too of course! ) :T

[Deleted User]

P.S trade her in for a slimmer model if you want but that slimmer model will not be HER , but sorry to offend you but I would be advising her to trade YOU in! lol

( And then I'd take her out on the town ) :-) :-) :-)

FBaby

I'm afraid you are likely to be flamed for what you say. How dare you not being attracted to your wife any longer just because she has doubled in size?

I personally totally understand how you feel. I know that if my partner were to put significant weight on, it would affect how I feel about him physically and consequently sexually and he has made it clear that it would be the same for him. It's not just about looks, it's about feeling good about yourself, liking your own body for others to feel attractive. I don't believe that admitting not to be attracted to your partner because they have put a lot of weight on makes you a bad person.

Saying that, you can't make her lose weight and you are therefore finding yourself in a catch 22. If you tell her how you feel, no matter how gentle and reassuring you are when you say it, she is likely to take it badly and becoming fearful, which is more likely to have the opposite effect of what you would wish.

The best way to help her is to do it together? Could you do with losing some weight too, even if not as much, of getting fitter? Take it from a health perspective, suggest you design menus for every meal, go shopping together, arrange to do some exercise together (not always easy with young kids but not impossible, you could go cycling, swimming together for example). Make sure you arrange something to look forward to, a holiday abroad to your budget.

However, in the end, you will have to accept that you can't make her lose weight. It is her responsibility to accept the consequences of her staying how she is, health wise and relationship-wise. I know that if I put on a lot of weight, my partner won't find me as attractive, and that spurs me on to remain at a reasonable weight.I'm not saying that he would dump me, but I think he would be see me in another light if I didn't show motivation to get back to a reasonable weight unless of course the gain was due to health reasons.

January20

Completely agree with what FBaby says and want to add that it is very difficult to lose weight. People will say (particularly on this forum) that it's a question of eating less and doing more exercise but it's much more complicated than that, especially as you wife has more than doubled her weight so she must be very unhappy about it and she must see it like having a huge mountain to climb! And just as people in debt have to get to their LBM, so does a person who needs to lose weight, and you can't really do much about that.

I do understand though that you don't find her attractive any more. It's very courageous on a public forum but be prepared for a lot of negative posts in response to your op

[Deleted User]

What happened to 'unconditional love' and 'for better , for worse , in sickness and in health'' etc etc etc

Or is it ''I'll love you and stay with you as long as''.... You LOOK a certain way ... What if your partner got an illness which resulted in weight gain ( more to hug I say ) maybe you have a problem with fat itself , or weight gain and image is everything , and yup , it does sound superficial to me , just being honest!!!

I know people on the opposite end of the scale who are borderline anorexic and they are not happy either and its not ''you're loveable if'' or ''I'll love you if you are below 8 stone but not above 12 stone''

Supporting someone does not mean being repulsed by them , so you cannot even show the other person ANY affection any more just because of weight gain??? ....... I'd be jumping on them and helping them burn it off ;-) LOL

But like I said - I suggest she does the same , on someone else!

thunderbird

just a few questions -

In what way do you encourage her with her efforts to lose weight?

Who does the shopping/cooking?

What is your weight/lifestyle like (do you eat healthily and exercise regularly etc?)

[Deleted User]

She NEEDS to feel sexy again & you are certainly not helping!!!

Caroline_a

Losing weight is very much like giving up smoking, or any other addiction. In a lot of ways it's more difficult, as you have to eat to survive, and whereas giving up smoking gets easier, eating low calorie meals goes on forever, particularly if you have a lot to lose.

You can't do this for her, she has to want to do it herself (like an addict does), so when her head is straight and she wants it enough you can support her.

I have lost a lot of weight this year - used to be skinny through most of my adult life, but due to a variety of factors have put on a lot of weight over the past 5 years. What I did works for me - it may not work for your wife. I signed up to this free website and proceeded to weigh and record everything I ate. I quickly discovered which things that I really like are low in calories - I didn't go for diet meal options, just proper food, lots of veg and fruit, and only eat things that I know are low in calories but I enjoy.

I've lost the best part of 40lbs since Jan 1st. I booked a nice holiday just before so that I would have a goal, or at least an interim goal, and I've hit it on time - my hols are next week. I've gone down 2 sizes and people are now commenting on how I look.

BUT... that's how I did it. Your wife has to find her own way, and I think that the size-challenged of us will tell you that the last thing she needs to hear is 'you've put on weight'! I would give her a goal (as in my holiday) but make it achievable. I was quite tough on myself, but have lost weight every single week. She will have to be tough too... but she will have your support, whereas I live on my own and have had to do it for myself.

Dunroamin

Perhaps your wife doesn't fancy you anymore and has put on weight (possibly subconsciously) to avoid having sex with you. I have to say, you sound like a real turn off.

January20

cazzap06 wrote: »

What happened to 'unconditional love' and 'for better , for worse , in sickness and in health'' etc etc etc

Or is it ''I'll love you and stay with you as long as''.... You LOOK a certain way ... What if your partner got an illness which resulted in weight gain ( more to hug I say ) maybe you have a problem with fat itself , or weight gain and image is everything , and yup , it does sound superficial to me , just being honest!!!

I know people on the opposite end of the scale who are borderline anorexic and they are not happy either and its not ''you're loveable if'' or ''I'll love you if you are below 8 stone but not above 12 stone''

Supporting someone does not mean being repulsed by them , so you cannot even show the other person ANY affection any more just because of weight gain??? ....... I'd be jumping on them and helping them burn it off ;-) LOL

But like I said - I suggest she does the same , on someone else!

I would love to agree with you! I really would but we are all human and we can't always control our emotions. Sometimes you can love somebody no matter how much they change, sometimes you can't.

I'm not talking from the perspective of a slim person here either. My weight has fluctuated throughout my life and I understand how much weight and state of mind are linked. I have just lost some weight - because I wanted to - and the difference to my life has been tremendous both in terms of my physical fitness and my mental state, and although I haven't lost a huge amount, I can tell I get more looks from the opposite sex! I am a happier and more confident person and this has a snowball effect in other areas of my life.

The OP's wife is overweight and is perhaps unhappy, she makes it hard unconsciously for him to be attracted to her? Who knows? It's not helpful to have a go at him for the way he feels. He can't really help that.