FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

zzzLazyDaisy

You don't have to answer this Tay, just think about it and see if it applies to you, because if it does, you can change it.

When you are in an adrenaline fuelled relationship (this doesn't have to be physical abuse, it can be the upset and pain of being treated badly, and/or manipulated) your body gets used to the adrenaline. When you get out of the relationship and things calm down, you'd think your body would respond well, but instead it goes looking for it's next 'fix'. One way it does this is by you thinking about the abuser, or going over in your head what happened, or by talking about it with friends - that stirs up memories and your body gets the adrenaline kick it needs... but then has to start and wean itself off all over again.

So you get allsorts of side effects and symptoms, both physical and mental. It is like giving up drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. Part of the way out of that is going 'no-contact', which you have already done. But the other part only you can do... and that is not letting him, or his behaviour, occupy your thoughts, or get inside your head. And yes, it is easier said than done, I know. But if/when you find your mind going round and round about what happened, or giving attention to him, what you are doing is continuing the roller coaster, and that is in itself a source of stress, and affecting your body.

I know, at this stage, you need to talk to get things out in the open, and also because you have to tell people, and eventually get the legal business of separating underway. But in between times, may I suggest that you try to find a diversionary tactic that works for you, so that when you find your thoughts straying, you can quickly pull your attention back to yourself, the present moment, and your own environment.

Apologies if this is not what you are experiencing, or if I have spoken out of turn.

(((Hugs))))

Dx

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

You don't have to answer this Tay, just think about it and see if it applies to you, because if it does, you can change it.

When you are in an adrenaline fuelled relationship (this doesn't have to be physical abuse, it can be the upset and pain of being treated badly, and/or manipulated) your body gets used to the adrenaline. When you get out of the relationship and things calm down, you'd think your body would respond well, but instead it goes looking for it's next 'fix'. One way it does this is by you thinking about the abuser, or going over in your head what happened, or by talking about it with friends - that stirs up memories and your body gets the adrenaline kick it needs... but then has to start and wean itself off all over again.

So you get allsorts of side effects and symptoms, both physical and mental. It is like giving up drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. Part of the way out of that is going 'no-contact', which you have already done. But the other part only you can do... and that is not letting him, or his behaviour, occupy your thoughts, or get inside your head. And yes, it is easier said than done, I know. But if/when you find your mind going round and round about what happened, or giving attention to him, what you are doing is continuing the roller coaster, and that is in itself a source of stress, and affecting your body.

I know, at this stage, you need to talk to get things out in the open, and also because you have to tell people, and eventually get the legal business of separating underway. But in between times, may I suggest that you try to find a diversionary tactic that works for you, so that when you find your thoughts straying, you can quickly pull your attention back to yourself, the present moment, and your own environment.

Apologies if this is not what you are experiencing, or if I have spoken out of turn.

(((Hugs))))

Dx

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I'm already fed up of talking about it, and that's why I haven't told that many people. I don't want to rehash it over and over.

And going 'no contact' is what I wanted in the first place. I can see what he was trying to do with the car, and I won't let myself be drawn in again. I've just put it to one side and carried on. Which is definitely the best thing to do. I value my own sanity and happiness more than I value a silly old car.

I'm not saying that I won't have slip-ups, or bad days. I know that I will. But I'm determined to move forward in a positive way.

Your post put into words what I'm feeling, and I will certainly be alert for any signs of such behaviour and thoughts from myself in the coming weeks and months. Thanks very much xxx

tayforth

The Virgin technician has just been, he sorted out the box (it was embarrassingly simple) and he also managed to get my speaker plugged into the PC so now I have sound on the computer again as well as all my TV channels!

tayforth

I've finished tidying. The house is looking really good. I've got rid of quite a bit of junk, I've cleaned, I've dusted, I've polished. I'll have a nice house to come back to on Monday evening

There's still a bit to do, but I'm happy with what I've accomplished so far.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

I've finished tidying. The house is looking really good. I've got rid of quite a bit of junk, I've cleaned, I've dusted, I've polished. I'll have a nice house to come back to on Monday evening

There's still a bit to do, but I'm happy with what I've accomplished so far.

That makes such a huge difference. Nesting, reclaiming it as your own space. To your taste only.

Fwiw, rashes happen to the best of us, I got one last night....on a very rare night out, on my cheeks..:(. I think mine might be rosacea, my dad has it and I have had lots of blepharitis over the last year or so and some incidences of sore dry skin. . I better see the doctor I guess.

duckeggblue

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

You don't have to answer this Tay, just think about it and see if it applies to you, because if it does, you can change it.

When you are in an adrenaline fuelled relationship (this doesn't have to be physical abuse, it can be the upset and pain of being treated badly, and/or manipulated) your body gets used to the adrenaline. When you get out of the relationship and things calm down, you'd think your body would respond well, but instead it goes looking for it's next 'fix'. One way it does this is by you thinking about the abuser, or going over in your head what happened, or by talking about it with friends - that stirs up memories and your body gets the adrenaline kick it needs... but then has to start and wean itself off all over again.

So you get allsorts of side effects and symptoms, both physical and mental. It is like giving up drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. Part of the way out of that is going 'no-contact', which you have already done. But the other part only you can do... and that is not letting him, or his behaviour, occupy your thoughts, or get inside your head. And yes, it is easier said than done, I know. But if/when you find your mind going round and round about what happened, or giving attention to him, what you are doing is continuing the roller coaster, and that is in itself a source of stress, and affecting your body.

I know, at this stage, you need to talk to get things out in the open, and also because you have to tell people, and eventually get the legal business of separating underway. But in between times, may I suggest that you try to find a diversionary tactic that works for you, so that when you find your thoughts straying, you can quickly pull your attention back to yourself, the present moment, and your own environment.

Apologies if this is not what you are experiencing, or if I have spoken out of turn.

(((Hugs))))

Dx

I love your post, it really helps me to understand the addiction, and I know you get addicted to adrenaline. Today I am going through a " I will not text to get my feelings out" because it gets all very " jeremy kyle" he said -she said-and i a) am learning its draining and pointless to,argue with an abuser and b) no good will come out of it.I am learning to unlearn those habits. I am an adult with dignity, we will all get through this .

duckeggblue

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks. I fully intend to enjoy this weekend. I've been so looking forward to my sister's big day and it's going to be a wonderful family celebration

LOL at your cat giving you a dirty look! :rotfl:




Oh, that's lovely that you've bonded with your neighbour. My next door neighbours are lovely, and we've always said hello and exchanged pleasantries, but that's about it. We couldn't really talk. Because I knew, and they knew, what was going on, but we were all too embarrassed to say it out loud.

I felt a huge sense of relief after being able to talk to them about it the other night. Now that the ex is gone, we can all acknowledge it and be glad that it's over. I hope that we will become proper friends too.

Those all sound like lovely tasks! I love crafts and shabby chic, I have a few half-finished projects that I must revisit.

And good luck at the hairdresser! Going for a change?

No change, got a lovely hairdresser, and have a colour wash about twice a year with highlights, makes my dark hair nice and glossy, hello summer, goodbye boots hello dresses.

tayforth

I'm at my mum's - drove my nice hire car here earlier. The evening went ok, a couple of my sister's friends were round and asked me how married life is going. But I got through it. Tomorrow we'll all be busy with last-minute stuff and then Saturday is the big day. I'm really looking forward to it My sister is so excited, bless her.

lostinrates wrote: »

That makes such a huge difference. Nesting, reclaiming it as your own space. To your taste only.

Fwiw, rashes happen to the best of us, I got one last night....on a very rare night out, on my cheeks..:(. I think mine might be rosacea, my dad has it and I have had lots of blepharitis over the last year or so and some incidences of sore dry skin. . I better see the doctor I guess.

Oh, I hope that your rash clears up soon. Is it itchy? I never get anything like this, which is why it's taken me by surprise.

duckeggblue wrote: »

I love your post, it really helps me to understand the addiction, and I know you get addicted to adrenaline. Today I am going through a " I will not text to get my feelings out" because it gets all very " jeremy kyle" he said -she said-and i a) am learning its draining and pointless to,argue with an abuser and b) no good will come out of it.I am learning to unlearn those habits. I am an adult with dignity, we will all get through this .

Totally agree. Well said. I could write a book about my ex's abuse. There's just no point in confronting him about any of it at this stage, where would I start?? Plus, as he has demonstrated time and again, he tends to twist whatever I say. So it's not just fruitless, it's dangerous.

Best to be dignified and say nothing.

duckeggblue wrote: »

No change, got a lovely hairdresser, and have a colour wash about twice a year with highlights, makes my dark hair nice and glossy, hello summer, goodbye boots hello dresses.

Oh, sounds lovely I bet it gives you a real lift xx

lostinrates

Tay, I think mine might be rosacea. I have had a lot of blepharitis in the last year which can be connected, and its sore and burny and dry, last night it looked like a port wine birth mark covering both cheeks but the colour is mostly gone now.

So, not serious i don't think, just a bit of a pain . I've ha a bit if a stressful year so would make sense it would trigger if I am susceptible to it.:). Just wish it hadn't been on my first night out in London wit my husband and friends for literally years! But they were pleased to see me, so I don't suppose the rash worried them too much.

tayforth

Ah, so bad timing for you too! Rashes and spots always seem to sense that there's an occasion coming up, and BAM.

Did you have a nice time in London then? xx