Only inviting friends with children to a gathering/party for your child's birthday?

jackomdj

My children's parties are just that, parties with my childrens friends invited. Sometimes they choose friends who happen to have parents that I am friends with, sometimes they don't. Also as they get older their parties change, DD was 6 this month and only one parent out of ten stayed at the party (although it was at our house so I didn't mind, if it was soft play I would insist on parents staying)

I do know friends who have a party with the childrens party as an excuse, they tend to invite adults without children.

If I were you and you want to go I would let them know in advance that you would love to help out with the party if possible. If they are close friends you could tell them that you are not child free by choice and you would love to be able to help out at parties etc as you don't have your own little ones to do it for. Hth

bylromarha

view wrote: »

Yes, I could agree as it's just chat on a forum, however, the friends I'm speaking of (and as mentioned a few times, it's more than one set of friends here) are close. We go on holidays together, we have nights out regularly, we chat, go for walks, lunches, dinners etc.. etc..



agree - however, we are close friends.. even to say this is the 'group' for the want of a better word... there is one other couple who are childless too, and they're not invited either. I don't look at this as 'woe is me' or it's something that we have done... it's more of a odd thing I've found since the kiddies came along.

I see 2 solutions if you want to approach this with your friends. I'm a bull by the horns kind of person, so I would do one of these things, but appreciate this may be too confrontational for some.

1) Have some of your own parties. Invite all the members of your group and their kids. Make a point of saying something similar to the below in a lot of 1:1 conversations.

"Thought I'd have a party with everybody as I love the time I spend with you all. Didn't want to not have you round as you've got kids. Isn't it great that all our different circumstances still allow us to hang out together, whatever the occasion. " You *could* choose to mention the Christmas party in conversation, but I probably wouldn't as that'd put a dampner on things.


2) Have some of your own parties. Invite all the members of your group who don't have kids. Make a point of "accidentally" mentioning your fun parties to your American friend and the rest of the people. Or inviting just 1 or 2 couples who have kids and excluding the rest. And "accidentally" mentioning it.

If you go on holidays with them, they must be able to see how you get on with kids. I agree it's strange behaviour but we all work in different ways, and your friends won't see there is a problem unless you tell them how you're feeling.

Some people have never had experience of non parents being invited to kids parties. It was something I had to get used to when I married OH as his family always has everyone to every party and our family have parties with kids and without kids, depending on the occasion.

view

Dunroamin wrote: »

Do people really invite adults (other than, perhaps, the guests' parents) to a child's party? Why?

because a lot of children's parties, especially when young, are really a gathering for young and old, related and not to get together - yes to have a cake and celebrate of course, but the ones I've been to were more a catch up gathering whilst celebrating a child's birthday.

I've mentioned a few times I don't mean the clearly a child's birthday complete focus ie: at a play centre or McDonalds or a themed party somewhere - I mean the all come over, bring a bottle and a plate, let's have a cake for our child and let's catch up sort of thing.

I'm horrible at being able to explain myself aren't I!

I think it's just what I'm used to growing up. I'm one of 4 and we had all manner of people at our parties....friends, ours, our brother's/sister's, mum's friends, dad's friends... even at one stage our Grandad's pal who managed to get very drunk on nips of whisky ;-) we also invited an elderly neighbour who had no family as he was very kind to my younger sister and brother .... I'm just used to "all and sundry approach" I guess....

no harm done and we don't take it personally, it's just different ideology I guess.

Person_one

view wrote: »

because the below is so much fun! :j plus we love kids, my husband works with kids and also loves it.. we especially love our friend's kids.
"Whenever our group of friends' kids have birthdays, everyone's invited - whether they have kids or not. The kids are in the back garden on the trampoline, hired bouncy castle, whatever; the mums and olds are in the house chatting; and the dads and older kids are outside supervising the little ones. Kids' birthday parties are the best!"

we have been invited to some kids parties and some not (depending on the friend) I'm not taking it personally, I just found it a 'little' hurtful but not hugely cry for hours woe is me sort of thing... it's just an oddity I guess when you're so involved othewise...

I'd find it hurtful too, I think you're well within your rights to. If I were you, next time it happens I'd sit down with the friend concerned and tell them straight how upset you are at being excluded.

I'm not sure why, but some people seem to have a strange idea that once you have kids you become a sort of separate species, or that if you don't have your own children you can't possible be interested in or care about anybody else's! I don't have children and I don't actually want them, but I love my nieces and nephews more than anything and I'm very fond of my friends' children. Luckily I've not had this problem, but I can completely imagine how hard it would be.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

I'd find it hurtful too, I think you're well within your rights to. If I were you, next time it happens I'd sit down with the friend concerned and tell them straight how upset you are at being excluded.

I'm not sure why, but some people seem to have a strange idea that once you have kids you become a sort of separate species, or that if you don't have your own children you can't possible be interested in or care about anybody else's! I don't have children and I don't actually want them, but I love my nieces and nephews more than anything and I'm very fond of my friends' children. Luckily I've not had this problem, but I can completely imagine how hard it would be.

Now view has explained more I agree she should have a chat.

But, tbh, in other situations I interpret not including in other situations as quite the opposite, people not thinking their friends lives revolve around their kids.

View, as you are loser to your friends than I concluded, just chat to them. Personally, my family never ha that kind of birthday party, it might be a socio/ cultural thing, but air it, and tell your friends how much you care.

view

lostinrates wrote: »

View, as you are loser to your friends than I concluded, just chat to them. Personally, my family never ha that kind of birthday party, it might be a socio/ cultural thing, but air it, and tell your friends how much you care.

maybe I am the 'loser' and that's why I'm not invited :rotfl: heh

the last thing I would want is for any friends to feel bad at not inviting us and also then feel they had to! I think I may leave it as a musing.... I actually don't feel the mild 'hurt' that I mentioned earlier... as it seems some people do invite FWOK* and some don't! thanks all x


*friendwithoutkids ;-)

Person_one

view wrote: »

maybe I am the 'loser' and that's why I'm not invited :rotfl: heh

the last thing I would want is for any friends to feel bad at not inviting us and also then feel they had to! I think I may leave it as a musing.... I actually don't feel the mild 'hurt' that I mentioned earlier... as it seems some people do invite FWOK* and some don't! thanks all x


*friendwithoutkids ;-)

What if they'd feel terrible if they knew you were hurt by it and they'd want to invite you? I'd give them the chance to make it right, I'd want my friends to be honest with me if I'd done something to upset them.

Tenyearstogo

As a mum, I never invite my friends to my children's parties. I only ever invited the children.

This is the reason.

I hate children's parties, lots of over excited children who are playing, screaming and shouting. I cannot imagine anyone, other than the children, wanting to be there.

It wouldn't occur to me to invite any adult who didn't have to go!

I don't think it's a spiteful thing OP, your friends probably think they're doing you a favour and are jealous that you aren't there!

lostinrates

view wrote: »

maybe I am the 'loser' and that's why I'm not invited :rotfl: heh

the last thing I would want is for any friends to feel bad at not inviting us and also then feel they had to! I think I may leave it as a musing.... I actually don't feel the mild 'hurt' that I mentioned earlier... as it seems some people do invite FWOK* and some don't! thanks all x


*friendwithoutkids ;-)

Lol, apologies for typo...obviously I meant Closer!

fluffnutter

view wrote: »

If you have kids, do you do this? We have found that about 3/4's of our friends only invite other adults with children to their kid's parties. I'm not talking about the parties that clearly just focus on children, more of the parties where there is an adult mix with kids running around with each other playing etc.

I understand you can't invite everyone to a party, however, would you think it was a little hurtful if you were good friends with people however, never invited to their children's parties - where other good mutual friends with kids are?

We can't have children (we're still trying everything however) and I guess sometimes I just feel a little hurt. We are involved in our friend's lives otherwise - and always involve/play with their kids when we visit. We're pretty child friendly friends I would say! We even usually buy something small for the children on their birthday and drop it off (making sure we don't drop it off when the party is on tho!).

This is not just one set of friends who do this, quite a few, however, I would say one or two separate set of friends do invite us, which is lovely and we feel really included when we go.

As I said, I know you can't involve everyone or the 'party' would get hugely expensive and probably pretty stressful too!

What are your experiences?

Do they know you'd like to be invited? Do they know you're struggling to conceive? I should imagine that, if they've given it much thought, they're probably trying to do you a favour. Most childless people's experiences of children's parties is that they're hell on earth. Obviously if you want children yourself but are finding it hard (I know how you feel - it took me nearly a decade to have my son) then you look on even the most stressful aspect of childrearing as something you'd love to do yourself, but your friends might not realise this and assume that it's not really your cup of tea.

If they're good friends, tell them you'd like to join in. I used to go to my friend's children's parties sometimes. I just said I'd like to pop along and wish them a happy birthday and bring them a little something.