Only inviting friends with children to a gathering/party for your child's birthday?

view

If you have kids, do you do this? We have found that about 3/4's of our friends only invite other adults with children to gatherings they hold to celebrate their child's birthday. I'm not talking about the parties that clearly just focus on children, more of the parties where there is an adult mix with kids running around with each other playing etc.

I understand you can't invite everyone to a party, however, would you think it was a little hurtful if you were good friends with people however, never invited to their children's parties - where other good mutual friends with kids are?

We can't have children (we're still trying everything however) and I guess sometimes I just feel a little hurt. We are involved in our friend's lives otherwise - and always involve/play with their kids when we visit. We're pretty child friendly friends I would say! We even usually buy something small for the children on their birthday and drop it off (making sure we don't drop it off when the party is on tho!).

This is not just one set of friends who do this, quite a few, however, I would say one or two separate set of friends do invite us, which is lovely and we feel really included when we go.

As I said, I know you can't involve everyone or the 'party' would get hugely expensive and probably pretty stressful too!

What are your experiences?

Janepig

When my children have had birthday parties, it's other children that are invited, not adults. Obviously the adults (parents) come along to supervise their offspring, but they aren't the ones that are invited. Mine have always had parties for their friends, not mine.

Jx

Cinders:

Perhaps your friends think they're being thoughtful by not inviting you. If they know that you can't have children then perhaps they think that inviting you to a party where most people have families may upset you, especially if you're really trying to have children at the moment? Just a thought.

sassyblue

I can see both sides of this as someone who ttc for 8 years but finally got there in the end....

My little one is 6 and l do ask him who he wants to come to his parties so l can see it would be parents and kids first, not being nasty you're probably an oversight. However, we also often have two parties, the second is a get toghether for friends and family at home because nannies, grandads, aunts and uncles don't all want to go to play barns or village halls with lots of noise.

And as l said we ttc for 8 years so l fully understand you can feel left out. You know what, if you are great friends l would ask if l could go along, what's to lose? Your friends might be pleased you want to enjoy their little ones day that much.

xx

valk_scot

Two thoughts here...

Firstly they might think they're being tactful given that you're currently not childless by choice. There are many unhappily childless couples who would regard it as the worst form of mental torture to be compelled to atttend a children's birthday party.

And then there are folk who are childfree by choice, and/or are simply not interested in children at any stage of their lives. Who would regard the average children's birthday party as a slightly different form of mental torture.

I'd go with the first in your case though and give your friends the benefit of the doubt. If you want to put them straight though, I'm sure it would be okay. Most parents are charmed by anyone showing a positive interest in their children.

susancs

Janepig wrote: »

When my children have had birthday parties, it's other children that are invited, not adults. Obviously the adults (parents) come along to supervise their offspring, but they aren't the ones that are invited. Mine have always had parties for their friends, not mine.

Jx

My children have always done similar and maybe just had very close adult family members such as grandparents and/or Godparents they wanted invited as well as the children. No adult friends of ours were ever invited. When they were very young, we just had family parties with close family invited.

lostinrates

I'm child free and have a couple of friends kids I am quite close to. If I wanted to go to a party I would say.....'what can I do to help?, if there is room for one more I would love to see little x enjoying his party, but perhaps I can be useful?'

ognum

view wrote: »

If you have kids, do you do this? We have found that about 3/4's of our friends only invite other adults with children to their kid's parties. I'm not talking about the parties that clearly just focus on children, more of the parties where there is an adult mix with kids running around with each other playing etc.

I understand you can't invite everyone to a party, however, would you think it was a little hurtful if you were good friends with people however, never invited to their children's parties - where other good mutual friends with kids are?

We can't have children (we're still trying everything however) and I guess sometimes I just feel a little hurt. We are involved in our friend's lives otherwise - and always involve/play with their kids when we visit. We're pretty child friendly friends I would say! We even usually buy something small for the children on their birthday and drop it off (making sure we don't drop it off when the party is on tho!).

This is not just one set of friends who do this, quite a few, however, I would say one or two separate set of friends do invite us, which is lovely and we feel really included when we go.

As I said, I know you can't involve everyone or the 'party' would get hugely expensive and probably pretty stressful too!

What are your experiences?

I can tell you find this a little hurtful and feel a bit excluded. I do however think that people have different types of parties.

There may be a time when you decide to have a get together with some families because thay have children of similar age to your or because a friend with children is struggling and you want to show some support.

Often parties with children are dominated by the children and parents end up talking about schools, bed wetting, etc etc which people without children can feel may bore others.

There may be an issue with you not yet having children and maybe it is an issue you could tactfully approach, saying something like 'despite not having any yet ourselves we love being with yours and other children so please don't exclude us ever, we know you are bing thoughtful but it's not necessary'

Don't feel excluded, just feel that there are things you can do that people with children can't.

view

Thanks, hadn't actually thought of it from the 'shielding us' as we can't have children. To be balanced however, I would say we haven't discussed our children or rather lack of, in depth with many friends. I presume most of them think we're not interested in having them. I don't like feeling like I'm burdening someone with our 'takes of woe' so although all of the folk I'm speaking of are consider to be good friends, we haven't discussed it.

I noticed at Christmas a friend literally 2 minutes away had a get together before they headed off to the US (my friend is American) with our mutual friends - again only those with kids. I didn't mind as, in my head I was thinking it's probably a Santa for the kiddies sort of get together, however, found out later through accident that it wasn't - more of a grown up get together to have a few drinks, however, only those with kids were invited. My American friend who mentioned it sort of caught herself half way and said 'it was just for the kids' in an embarrassed sort of way.

Now, I'm not saying we should be invited to everything... but I guess just the 'you have kids, you're in' sort of thing is probably more hurtful than 'you're good friends and our kids love you, but no, not for you'.

This is not just one set of friends by the way... different circles of parents do this..

I'm not losing sleep over it, just something that I've noticed from time to time.

Many times we don't even know there is a party, (why would we be told?) and so to offer to help is a lovely idea, but not knowing sort of puts the stop on that!

valk_scot

view wrote: »

To be balanced however, I would say we haven't discussed our children or rather lack of, in depth with many friends. I presume most of them think we're not interested in having them. I don't like feeling like I'm burdening someone with our 'takes of woe' so although all of the folk I'm speaking of are consider to be good friends, we haven't discussed it.

They probably think you don't actively want kids then (I'm not condoning this assumption, just saying it's a common one) and that you'd simply not be at all interested in coming to a party where there are swarms of noisy children about and the party is strongly geared to the preferences of children. I know when I go to a party with lots of children it can get very tiresome very fast, and I've got kids so I should be battle hardened. I long for nice quiet parties where you can have more than two minutes of conversation without someone's child having a melt-down or being sick in the goldfish pond....

thehappybutterfly

Whenever our group of friends' kids have birthdays, everyone's invited - whether they have kids or not. The kids are in the back garden on the trampoline, hired bouncy castle, whatever; the mums and olds are in the house chatting; and the dads and older kids are outside supervising the little ones. Kids' birthday parties are the best!