Domestic abuse

duckeggblue

ipod_killed_the_musicshop wrote: »

If she wants you to leave I'd leave. For whatever reason, the relationship led to this happening. Take the relationship out of the equation and bingo, it doesn't happen again.

I have to disagree with this also.
Without help, abusers just go on to another relationship to repeat the pattern.
Don't blame the relationship ( this is one of the things abusers do). The blame remains firmly on the shoulders of the abuser.

System

For whatever reason, the relationship led to this happening.

I disagree also. There are many reasons a relationship becomes abusive.

The abuser:

Cant get his/her own way
Doesnt like what has been said
Doesnt like what is worn
Doesnt like whats been done
Got up the wrong side of the bed.....the list goes on

All, are selfish reasons and are down to control and getting their own way.

joeblack066

Someone once said to me - the first time a man hits a woman it's very hard.... It gets easier after that.

Get out of her home.

Get help.

Move on.

ipod_killed_the_musicshop

duckeggblue wrote: »

I have to disagree strongly with some of the things you have said.
Mental abuse is not hard to gauge. And as for being two way, this is something abusers say.

It doesn't have to be combined with physical violence to be terrible, mental abuse and control can be truly terrible on its own.

You have no idea what sort of mental abuse I have been subjected to. How dare you say that.

ipod_killed_the_musicshop

duckeggblue wrote: »

I have to disagree with this also.
Without help, abusers just go on to another relationship to repeat the pattern.
Don't blame the relationship ( this is one of the things abusers do). The blame remains firmly on the shoulders of the abuser.

You make a lot of sense, but what if the OP doesn't think he's to blame? Of course I think he's to blame! But if he doesn't, what then? Do you want him to stay with her? Do you want him to hit her again? He has to give it up for her sake. You need to think about the consequences of your words to people. You can't judge other people as though they are you or even me. You have to say whatever you think will work on them.

ipod_killed_the_musicshop

Judi wrote: »

I disagree also. There are many reasons a relationship becomes abusive.

The abuser:

Cant get his/her own way
Doesnt like what has been said
Doesnt like what is worn
Doesnt like whats been done
Got up the wrong side of the bed.....the list goes on

All, are selfish reasons and are down to control and getting their own way.

It's not that I don't agree. At the end of the day, I don't matter, you don't matter, the only one that matters in this is his ex. If you were his ex, what would you want us to say to him? What would it take to persuade him to leave you alone?

Frogletina

OP - don't tell me you can't leave your house and find anywhere else to live. Do you want your girlfriend to feel she has to be one to leave because she is frightened of you? Would you want to stay there if you were the one who had been on the receiving end?

Many years ago I had to leave my abusive husband and I had an 18 month old child

The police escorted me to a bus stop (they took no action against him) and directed me to go to a mother and baby home where I was told I could stay for one night

The following day I went to my mother's house and my step father would not let me stay a second night

The third day and fourth I stayed at a friend's house.

Then I travelled to London to stay with another friend for 3 weeks.

After this my mother said I could come home as my step father had relented

As I got off the train she said that he had changed his mind again

The next three weeks I spent in Norfolk with relatives I barely knew.

Finally I was able to come home because my husband had been sent to prison which was not connected to his violence towards me.

ecogirl1

nearly four years ago i left my children's father because of mental and physical abuse even after i left it never stopped and it is only recently after yet another incident that he was given a restraining order - all situations are different however if you love someone i struggle to understand why you would hurt them so much! and the scars the abuser leaves last a lifetime i will never forget what he did to me those words he said personally i will never forgive him - get the help you need but if you care for her as much as you say you do walk away.

thorsoak

bookemdano wrote: »

Your spot on, she said she is living in fear, I have tried to tell her that I would never do this again because the stress and upset that this has caused to everyone concerned is unbearable.
Sadly I don't have the finances to move out at the moment otherwise I would consider it.

Go and sofa surf in a friend's house - although you have told her you would never do it again, you've destroyed her trust in you and she now lives in fear - it's you who have caused the problem, and its you who must try to put it right. But promising something that you cannot deliver just won't wash.

Be a man - and move out.

Heffi1

The OP is still hanging around the house because he feels he is not in the wrong, although he may protest at this, if he was truly contrite, and felt bad about his behaviour (which I have to say I find appalling) he would have left.

OP a question to you if you come back to this thread.

How would you feel if you were the one being beaten by a much bigger stronger person, who then said they would not leave the house and you deep down knew that you were in danger of another beating, if they should lose their temper again?

If you can answer this truthfully then you 'may' have some idea of what your girlfriend is experiencing right now.

Get out of her house you are no longer welcome.

To your girlfriend I would say call the police and have you escorted out.


Another thing to mention, I have at times throughout my life suffered immensely stressful situations and hard times and at no point in my entire life have I felt the need to put my hand on another in anger.

You are the problem, not the stress, not the work load, YOU now get out and get some help or you may find yourself arrested, and then by god you will know what stress feels like.