Domestic abuse

Wellyboots6

If you genuinely want help then contact Womens Aid yourself, they sometimes run perpetrator programmes in certain areas.

Also contact the local charity for DV against men, they sometimes run perpetrator programmes too.

If alcohol or drugs were involved, even slightly, then contact your local drug or alcohol charity. Again there is sometimes something of use on offer.

Report yourself to the police. The probation service run DV perpetrator programmes if you get sentenced to one.

Also contact Womens Aid and see if they can send you one of their leaflets on various aspects of DV (emotional, physical etc) and sit down and go through the list. Do a lot of soul searching and see how much of the list applies to you. As others have said, it may not just be physical abuse you are engaging in.

Move out.

As mentioned many many times above, Actions not Words.

marisco_2

I have been in your girlfriends shoes OP and am going to reply from the perspective of being in that position. You advised us in your first post that you had never hit her before but that you have pushed her a few times.

You also mention that you feel angry alot of the time. This will have created an atmosphere in the house too. Have you noticed if she was feeling edgy, walking on eggshells, being careful what she says to you so as not to antagonise you and set off hostility and aggression.

Now this latest incident has you grabbing her around the neck, lashing out and causing her a black eye. I dont mean to say this to be dramatic, however unless you have been a victim of abuse it is impossible to put into words how frightening it is, to slowly come to the realisation that it is happening to you. You live in denial unable to comprehend that someone who should love you can do this to you, you question what is wrong with you and you live in constant fear of things getting worse. It is commonly recognised that abuse escalates overtime and that is what has happened here. As an intelligient, worldly woman this will be occuring to your partner.

This is why you are losing her. She wants you to move out because in all truth she has been left in fear of you. Once you feel that way toward someone all the love and respect you once felt for them dies. There is often no way back.

For your own sake and your own future happiness do seek help for your issues. They have already wrecked your current relationship and will continue to negatively effect any ones you have down the line. You may not like hearing this but part of that help could be going to relate with your partner and talking through all that has gone on. I think you need to hear her side of things and fully understand what you have been putting her through. Only then will you truly appreciate the gravity of what she has experienced.

Lilith1980

I agree with other posters that you should move out OP, your partner deserves to feel safe.

I experienced physical and mental abuse by my ex-husband. I have been bruised, dragged along the floor by my hair. Even when he saw he'd bruised me, there was a coy 'sorry' but it happened again.

To be honest, you've got more balls than my ex-husband to admit you've done wrong and want to seek help, which is more than what he ever did.

But I do believe you should abide by your partner's wishes and move out. Whether you get back together or not is irrelevant at this stage. You need to work through this outside of a relationship.

And the worst thing you can do is to continue to wallow in this. What's done is done, you recognise it was wrong, so you need to learn from it and change things. Punishing yourself won't help you or anybody else.

Anger management is one thing, but looking at what is behind the anger might be a better starting point. Perhaps look to see whether you have a local Mind near you where you can attend for counselling to discuss your anger.

System

It's not that I don't agree. At the end of the day, I don't matter, you don't matter, the only one that matters in this is his ex. If you were his ex, what would you want us to say to him? What would it take to persuade him to leave you alone?

Quite frankly i'd want us to do what we have been doing, telling him to do, leave her alone.

Its a poor anology i know but its like when a dog bites.... you would never trust it again.

Bangton

I don't know if you will return to this thread or not but in some ways I have to give you kudos for having the balls to post this on a forum knowing your likely to be lambasted. You've hurt her badly and there are few people that would forgive that sort of behaviour. I really don't know if you can claw your relationship back but it depends on you, her and what's happened within your relationship. You know you have wronged or you wouldn't have posted. I think the right thing to do would be to come to an agreement with your ex as to what to do with regards to you leaving as soon as possible so she can feel safer. Then seek counselling ... perhaps try relate or something. You may never get your girlfriend back so do this for you and to stop this ever ever happening again in your life. People change. ..I absolutely disagree when people say they don't.... but you have got to stick with helping yourself even if your girlfriend refuses to be with you again. I could sit here and tell you your vile. .. and frankly what you have done is vile but I genuinely get a sense your sorry. I've seldom seen anyone post on a forum something so controversial without changing their username after all. ......

j.e.j.

I just don't understand that kind of aggression. I can see why you might get irate with someone, but what on earth would make someone so angry they'd black a person's eye? Was the argument/fight really worth it? The OP needs anger management classes before he ends up in jail!!

glitter_fairy

Taadaa wrote: »

It never ceases to amaze me that people who get annoyed because they can't be with someone act in such a way as to ensure the other party never wants to spend time with them at all.

The bottom line is, you crossed it. You did it before with the pushing and it has escalated. You will do it again. Sorry, but you will. Maybe not in a new relationship, after counseling, but now that line has been crossed with her it will be too easy to cross it again the next time you get frustrated over something.

You have to go elsewhere until you can find somewhere else permanent. Dint sit here saying you will lose your material possessions when you have taken from her something it will take her years to get back, if ever - trust in men and feeling safe in her own home.

Thats not always true

Racheldevon

As someone above has suggested there are specialist services out their for perpetrators of domestic abuse, i would suggest you contact them to find out what's available in your area: http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/pages/help-for-domestic-violence-perpetrators.html

LannieDuck

Everything you've posted on here has been about you. What you did, how you feel... this whole thread I think you've posted two things about how your gf feels - that she's terrified of you and wants you to move out.

If you stand any chance of keeping the relationship with her, you need to start seeing things from her POV. The one thing she's asked you to do is to move out. So, you have three choices:

1. You both stay in the house. She remains terrified of you.
2. She moves out. Many victims of domestic violence do finally have to do this in order to escape their abusers. But if you care at all about her, why would you make her do this? She's the victim. Why should she be the one to lose her home?
3. You move out.

Only one of these options gives you any chance of salvaging the relationship. You say you can't afford to go. I say you can't afford to stay.

duckeggblue

ipod_killed_the_musicshop wrote: »

You have no idea what sort of mental abuse I have been subjected to. How dare you say that.

How dare I say what? I'm not sure what you think I said.