Domestic abuse

whitewing

I do actually agree with you reporting yourself to the police and presenting yourself as someone who takes responsibility for his actions.

When I was suffering postnatal depression, I was in the car with my DH coming back from the city. I was stressed because of traffic (he was driving) and irritable beyond belief. I tended to turn that frustration inwards at myself but I clearly remember thinking that now I understood how some people can physically hurt another person in a domestic abuse situation. It doesn't mean it's right ever, but it does highlight a problem with your coping strategies and that can be addressed if you get the right support.

I understand why you don't want to move out, but I agree that you should.

bookemdano

nickyhutch wrote: »

Unnecessarily harsh.

Thankyou, helpful advice is what I'm after. I can take harsh but that wasn't constructive.

Angry_Bear

bookemdano wrote: »

We have both worked hard for what we have in our house. I know it's not her fault but I want to show her that I am getting the help to sort this once and for all.
As I mentioned earlier, if I could move I would. It's easy to say move out but without the finances I can't.
I am coming into some money soon so I can move out then.

You could sleep in your vehicle, at family or a friends house. Rent a room in a house with other people etc. It wouldn't be easy (far from it!), but it sounds like you have convinced yourself that whatever difficulty moving out would cause you is somehow worse/more important that the difficulty staying is causing your girlfriend.

If you'll forgive the amateur psychology, that sounds like the start of trivialising what you have done, which is surely a one-way ticket to a long-term abusive relationship.

verysillyguy06

bookemdano wrote: »

I have spoken to her parents infront of my girlfriend and apologised for my behaviour. My girlfriend asked me not to divulge the full extent of the situation as her father is in poor health.

It not being hidden is vital but she needs to be supported too , much much more really, sorry but I hope she has gone to her GP too.

Anger management classes can be two-edged as it can be with other men and it can end up with swapping tips.....:eek::eek::mad::mad::mad:

I think between Angry bear and Puddy you got the best advice going....Dont wallow any longer and get started as at the moment you are still a ticking time bomb and really, you admitted a crime on here and I am really not sure how MSE will take to this. I would still agree with other posters and report yourself or move out ...tonight!

puddy

Angry_Bear wrote: »

You could sleep in your vehicle, at family or a friends house. Rent a room in a house with other people etc. It wouldn't be easy (far from it!), but it sounds like you have convinced yourself that whatever difficulty moving out would cause you is somehow worse/more important that the difficulty staying is causing your girlfriend.

If you'll forgive the amateur psychology, that sounds like the start of trivialising what you have done, which is surely a one-way ticket to a long-term abusive relationship.

and if she does choose to report the incident to the police, she can ask that you are not allowed to return to the property as part of your bail conditions, if it were me, I would leave now, tonight, whilst I have the choice to gather my things. stay in a cheap b and b for a few nights until you find a cheapy bedsit.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

nickyhutch wrote: »

Unnecessarily harsh.

You think THAT was harsh?


That was me being plainspeaking but very measured.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

bookemdano wrote: »

Thankyou, helpful advice is what I'm after. I can take harsh but that wasn't constructive.

Not constructive? It is a recommendation to a) make her safe and b) don't bother with trying to make her or anyone else feel sorry for you, as you won't receive a great deal of sympathy for using the same excuses that have been all heard before.


Of course, somebody else could be giving your ex constructive advice which includes getting you arrested and charged so she can sleep at night safely without being forced to be practically imprisoned with a violent, abusive man who is by his own admission, a danger to women.

nickyhutch

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You think THAT was harsh?

Yes, that's why I said "unnecessarily harsh". He knows he's done something terrible, something he should be (is) ashamed of and has badly let down his girlfriend and was asking for help and advice to make sure it never happens again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

nickyhutch wrote: »

Yes, that's why I said "unnecessarily harsh". He knows he's done something terrible, something he should be (is) ashamed of and has badly let down his girlfriend and was asking for help and advice to make sure it never happens again.

The advice is to leave her. For her own safety. Not to make him feel good, or to make me feel good. But to make her safer than she is currently, stuck with him refusing to leave.


And seriously, how many men do you think don't say they're terribly sorry and they'll get anger management and they really, really love her, and it's because of work and this and that.......?

nickyhutch

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

The advice is to leave her. For her own safety. Not to make him feel good, or to make me feel good. But to make her safer than she is currently, stuck with him refusing to leave.


And seriously, how many men do you think don't say they're terribly sorry and they'll get anger management and they really, really love her, and it's because of work and this and that.......?

Loads and loads and loads... but the odd one, the very occasional one, comes out the other side of an incident like this and comes good.

Yes, he should move out, but the rest of what you said was, IMO, unnecessary. I don't believe OP has come on here looking for pity or to say "poor me".

We wont agree on this so let's leave it there and not derail the thread.