In hell: the B.W. Fox debt journal

B.W._Fox

misspoppy wrote: »

Hi

Half way through I started to remember your first post with your SOA and there was a lot of critisism of your wifes attitude. I take it nothing has changed because really unless you both accept that marriage is a partnership and you pool resources or at least split it fairly you are always going to have money problems and therefore tensions within your marriage.

The bottom line is that nothing will change if you both don't change.

I'm taking a long-term view of this.

She's really hesitant to put all of our finances in the same pot due to my inconsistent employment. I've boosted my income; now the disparity is less, perhaps she will be more willing to negotiate.

Not only is there a credit rating with lenders, there's my credit rating with her. I've admitted my overdraft, and she knows about the loan. I don't think she trusts me and my finances yet, but I'm determined to break her down. Besides, it's she that wants me to change, and if I present constant info, showing tangible proof of change, then she will be more amenable to cooperate.

I talked with her last night. She's calmed down, but is still fragile. I mentioned that I now have another interview - I got a call about an NHS job in Dorking, temp to perm, paying less but greater chance of long-term stability - and that seemed to open the floodgates. It led to a conversation on changes to the house (loft extension, etc.) in the short-term, where she'll need my input to cover the cost eventually.

She seems to be impressed already that I am able to quote interest percentages and that I could have an interest-free overdraft as soon as August. The onus to change will soon be on her if she wants to remortgage.

Here's hoping that by presenting a good example I can win her over.

B

immoral_angeluk

Just want to say well done for taking the sensible approach and trying to prove to her that you can be trusted. Wish you all the best for the future.

catewithers

They way you talk about her is fascinating to me! You seem to spend your time "handling" her rather than being in partnership with her, walking on eggshells around her like those fish who feed on parasites on shark's bodies but know that one wrong move and they'll end up being lunch!

Don't get me wrong - I'm not criticising. It's your marriage and if it works for you and you're happy then good on ya. I just find it fascinating - partly because I suspect that's what our marriage was like in the early days for my DH!!!! Although around different issues, not money.

Glad you feel like you're making progress.

Storm

As being in the black will affect how soon you can get an A&L account with the 0% OD, then would she be willing to at least pool her money on the next payday/delay your household contribution going in so that you can get however many days in credit you need?

It's a small step to sharing the finances, on a very short-term basis that will improve your monthly situation by £26.50 a month.

Have you tried using the snowball at https://www.whatsthecost.com to see when you'll be debt free based on your figures? If you snowball with it exactly as it stands, then start experimenting with stuff you could cut down/out on (i.e. add in the 26.50 extra per month from switching a/c & saving on the apr & see what difference it makes to debt free date & interest)

Other things you can look at: £14 on the lottery each month is a lot - £168 a year! Also, could you possibly stop the £20 into your daughter's uni fund for now & put more in when you're debt free? These things, plus the bank fees come to £60.50 a month, £726 a year which would more than pay your friend back for example.

The £50 a month that goes on fiddly bits - do you keep a spending diary at all? It can help to see where those odd £s go, and knowing you've got to write it down can also act as a bit of a 'stop and think'

B.W._Fox

catewithers wrote: »

Calling Foxy! Calling Foxy!!

How are you doing today?

I slept in a real bed last night for the first time in ... two whole days! :rolleyes:

Fine and moving forward. Apprehensive about a credit card application - I applied for the Barclaycard 'for those new to credit'. I'm wondering if I can help the application by calling and proclaiming my overwhelming loyalty to the Barclays brand.

If I get the credit card, bridging the gap between weekly and monthly pay will be easier. If I don't, well ... things could get interesting.

catewithers

Good luck with that. Fingers crossed for you.

Sus1e

I am so pleased that things are starting to look up for you.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you.

I know this might sound silly, but have you got things like Boots advantage cards etc - in 2 years I have over £90 worth of free points which will pay for christmas and birthday presents for a while. It takes a while to build up but it is money for nothing. I also have a nectar card and paid for all the christmas food with the points saved on it.

My OH laughs at how many loyalty cards I have but doesn't complain when I save money at Christmas by using them!!

B.W._Fox

catewithers wrote: »

They way you talk about her is fascinating to me! You seem to spend your time "handling" her rather than being in partnership with her, walking on eggshells around her like those fish who feed on parasites on shark's bodies but know that one wrong move and they'll end up being lunch!

Don't get me wrong - I'm not criticising. It's your marriage and if it works for you and you're happy then good on ya. I just find it fascinating - partly because I suspect that's what our marriage was like in the early days for my DH!!!! Although around different issues, not money.

Glad you feel like you're making progress.

There are certain subjects which are definitely eggshells, or triggers for a full-on Chernobyl, if I don't tread carefully. I've found over time (and experience) that getting setbacks out into the open as quick as they happen is always better than letting it fester.

I'm concerned that our current way of living isn't working. There's too much airy-fairyness to our goals. Again, I'm very literal and need things in print. So we need to starting talking about plans, finance and get things out in the open and concrete. And if I think hard enough I'm finding that change for the good can work without hampering my lifestyle.

I gave up coffee and alcohol 36 days ago (not that I'm counting, just looked it up). That's almost as long as giving up for Lent, only I was the spur, not Ash Wednesday or piety. I gave up smoking over four years ago when I had free access to hypnotherapy, and that has been no problem whatsoever.

Now I'm considering giving up something a little more dearer (in more ways than one): triathlon.

I'm pretty good at triathlon - I'm a decent swimmer and runner and enjoy cycling (i.e. I'm crap but proud). I enjoy competing and love the training - lots of time spent outside, or inside working on getting my heart pumping.

However, my wife always has thought of my tri training as negatively affecting all that we do. And I have begun to agree. Our weekends are sacrosanct, and to train during the weekend hours when I could be spending time with our daughter grates on her (and me). The tradeoff when I was training for the Ironman in memory of a good friend last year was training at unsociable hours - getting up at 4:30 on a Saturday to get a long ride in, early weekdays to run or swim. I led to me being tired when the time mattered.

By giving up triathlon I'm saving quality time with family and precious funds besides. Races start at about £30 for a short-distance race, and reach £250 for the Ironman. Bicycle maintenance eats up lots of cash. Food consumption goes up. Being a member of a club that I don't race for, that's another potential small saving in terms of club fees. The worst is swimming - fees for pool time are staggering.

I think that by just staying in decent shape, lunchtime runs, dry land training for swimming and commuting by bicycle, I can keep myself in readiness for a time when tri is acceptable in my life (when I can make it a viable part of my family's lifestyle). But for now that's where it will have to stay, in the background.

Besides, there might be a time when learning to be a tri coach and setting up my own business would be available to me - best of both worlds when hobby makes dosh.

Simplify, simplify, simplify. Was it Thoreau who said that?

B

catewithers

I don't see anything wrong with keeping certain times as sacrosanct for your family and partner - I think that's really important. BUT it's also really important to have time and interests of your own. One of the problems that me and DH had to work through was finding interests of our own - we'd almost got into a rut - No, I can't possibly do that because that's an evening we could be spending together. But then we'd spend the evening not really doing anything and feeling frustrated that we'd missed out on something we would have enjoyed.

Sometimes too much time together is just as damaging as too little - in my experience anyway!

B.W._Fox

Storm wrote: »

As being in the black will affect how soon you can get an A&L account with the 0% OD, then would she be willing to at least pool her money on the next payday/delay your household contribution going in so that you can get however many days in credit you need?

It's a small step to sharing the finances, on a very short-term basis that will improve your monthly situation by £26.50 a month.

Have you tried using the snowball at https://www.whatsthecost.com to see when you'll be debt free based on your figures? If you snowball with it exactly as it stands, then start experimenting with stuff you could cut down/out on (i.e. add in the 26.50 extra per month from switching a/c & saving on the apr & see what difference it makes to debt free date & interest)

Other things you can look at: £14 on the lottery each month is a lot - £168 a year! Also, could you possibly stop the £20 into your daughter's uni fund for now & put more in when you're debt free? These things, plus the bank fees come to £60.50 a month, £726 a year which would more than pay your friend back for example.

The £50 a month that goes on fiddly bits - do you keep a spending diary at all? It can help to see where those odd £s go, and knowing you've got to write it down can also act as a bit of a 'stop and think'

Thanks for the link, I hadn't twigged that yet - I'll have a look when I have time. It would be nice to figure out a debt-free date, although Christmas 2009 is something I have in mind - a real celebration.

I can add the fact that her contribution will help both of us - the next time we talk money. As for pulling out of our daughter's fund, I know that would really put the cat among the pigeons. But if it's two or three months she may be agreeable.

I do keep tabs on spending - it's time to do a little more cracking the whip on the 'fiddly bits'. I do stop and think, but it's usually special treats for wife and daughter that leads to the £50.

I can and will drop the lottery.

I can do one better on the Unneccesary Challenge and go for £5/wk spending for the next 10 weeks. That would mean not buying the Grauniad for the jobs and doing it online. Hopefully we can get broadband at home and make it easier, so I'm not using job time. I just sent the latest MSE e-mail to her; maybe it'll prompt her to use her work's broadband allowance.

B