Long-standing friendship gone south

busiscoming2

If it was me I'd just hit the delete button...

spamalot

As usual you've given me food for thought. Thank you.

To answer questions raised, there was no 'I'm sorry if I have done some thing to offend you' .

I've only gone quiet for 3 weeks! Before that I just gave pleasant non committal responses. Although in fairness it has been at least 18 months since I've seen her. I was a bit shocked though how strong the tone of her message was given that its only been three weeks. It sounded like a teddy being thrown out of a cot tbh!!

I took action this morning and deleted all the emails. I feel better for having done it otherwise I would just brood over it. I'm sad to admit this but in those 18 months i haven't missed her company at all, in fact i feel like a bit of a burden has been lifted because it was always a bit tricky trying to find something to talk about, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you for your help :-)

jellyhead

spamalot wrote: »

Valk-Scot - my mum knows everything that has happened. She has her own quirks as well, one minute she'll be very sympathetic and supportive and the then she'll be laying on a bit of a guilt trip and trying to emotionally manipulate me.

Tbh I've always found the situation to be a bit claustraphobic, i.e. my mum and her mum talk information goes round to X and me and then back the other way. There's a lot of trying to keep the situation like it was when we were kids, its just not healthy. A clean break is definitely the way ahead, I just wish I could let go of feeling annoyed. Getting it out on this forum is really helping.

I wonder if everyone back home is focusing on the 'spamalot isn't seeing X because X has a baby and spamalot doesn't' aspect, and hoping to resolve that for your sake, rather than realising that you are perfectly happy about your friends having babies and you just don't want to be friends with X.

Tell your mum that you just don't have anything in common with X and you don't want to be close friends with her any longer. Make sure your mum knows you enjoy holding your other friend's baby and there's no danger of you ending up friendless because you have this horrible jealousy of anyone who has a baby - make it clear to her that it's just X you have a problem with and it's not about the baby.

If you reply to the email, don't give X the satisfaction of feeling that she has one up on you because she has a baby - reply that you were upset that she blurted out something so personal to her friends and that you didn't want her friends 'counselling' you. Also, there was that lunch where she went home crying to her mother and you had absolutely no idea why. That suggests that the friendship isn't benefiting her either, if a lunch where nothing upsetting was said can make her cry. Why would she want to continue? Make the reasons about her actions and you two not having much in common any more, rather than being about her baby. Tell her you are very busy, and you only go back home to see your family, and you just don't have time for socialising back home because that would eat into your quality time with your mum.

Tell her that you wouldn't enjoy meeting up with her because you'd worry that she'd cry to her mother about something you don't understand, that she would broadcast your conversation, that her broadcasting the details of your miscarriage has shown you that she isn't a true friend but is more of a peripheral acquaintance.

You could end by saying that you don't hate her and will say hello if you do meet, but she's not a close friend, and there's nothing she can do to change this.

fannyanna

I haven't read all of the replies but my thoughts are that you've done the right thing to quietly withdraw rather than start an argument which might create awkwardness between your respective families.

I think you just need to appreciate that every now and then something like this is going to happen and there might be the odd awkward moment to contend with. But in comparison to what it could be like if you try to confront your old friend I think it's the lesser of two evils.

For what it's worth I can completely understand your feelings and I too would not want to have a friend like that. I'm sorry that you've been hurt but hope things work out for you in the future (including that special little someone) x

EDIT: So a quick look at the posts above mine and it's clear to see that sometimes you really should read where the post has ended up from the initial post lol. Glad you feel better having deleted her emails x

paulineb_2

spamalot wrote: »

As usual you've given me food for thought. Thank you.

To answer questions raised, there was no 'I'm sorry if I have done some thing to offend you' .

I've only gone quiet for 3 weeks! Before that I just gave pleasant non committal responses. Although in fairness it has been at least 18 months since I've seen her. I was a bit shocked though how strong the tone of her message was given that its only been three weeks. It sounded like a teddy being thrown out of a cot tbh!!

I took action this morning and deleted all the emails. I feel better for having done it otherwise I would just brood over it. I'm sad to admit this but in those 18 months i haven't missed her company at all, in fact i feel like a bit of a burden has been lifted because it was always a bit tricky trying to find something to talk about, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you for your help :-)

Shes not a friend, you dont owe her anything, the issue with her calling her child the name you said you wanted when you become pregnant, Im sorry, that is mean. Unless thats their favourite name and they said to you, look, sorry that weve chosen the same name, but from reading, it just looks as if its been done to put the boot in

You dont need to be friends just because her mum and your mum are friends, she betrayed a confidence

Shes not a friend, she doesnt deserve an explanation as to why you have gone silent.

BitterAndTwisted

Tell your mum that you've never felt you had anything in common with X bar the long-standing family contact and that you don't consider yourself close friends with her and never did, so you'd be grateful if your private business wasn't a subject of gossip between the families and you don't feel the need to resume contact with her. Ever. End of

red_devil

forget her and move on, its never been a good friendship, just dont contact her.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

I took action this morning and deleted all the emails. I feel better for having done it otherwise I would just brood over it. I'm sad to admit this but in those 18 months i haven't missed her company at all, in fact i feel like a bit of a burden has been lifted because it was always a bit tricky trying to find something to talk about, so I know I'm doing the right thing.

If ever you waver (say after pressure from your Mum), keep that phrase in mind!

You don't need a "friend" who is a burden.

ska_lover

I understand where you are coming from Spamalot, in the sense it can be very hurtful to fall out with a long standing friend.

I had this happen around a year ago, fell out with my oldest friend, my best mate. Our lives had taken us in completely different directions and we had nothing in common anymore..We hardly saw each other or spoke and whenever we did speak, it was always about the 'old days' and never about anything current. Our friendship had dwindled down to me being there to loan her money. .

My lifes much simpler since shes not been in it! No drama.

Edwardia

I have dipped in and out of the thread and it seems to me that the ex-friend's mother pressurised her, your mother and you into continuing the friendship when really it would have been better to walk away years ago.

I would have been upset re: the hen do, wedding and baby name too - your experience with her just makes me feel glad I have male friends !

Good for you for deleting her emails

I will say though, that it isn't necessary to be chalk and chalk or cheese and cheese to make a friendship work and I always enjoy friendships more with people who are very different.