Long-standing friendship gone south

londonsurrey

Her mother's going to come from a position of what she wants, which is a happy situation, her daughter happy and not having done anything wrong. Her stance isn't about you or your wants.

So it sounds like you've done the right thing, but I know it's hard to get validation when the other parties are still merrily doing the "done nothing wrong, why aren't you happily interacting with us?" thing.

paulineb_2

Doesnt sound like much of a friend, I get a bit sentimental about friendships as well but these days if someone treats me like rubbish. Gone.

Sounds incredibly toxic to be honest.

marisco_2

I think you have been wise to withdaw from this person. You appear to have never had that much in common and dont share the same morals or principals. I can relate to and empathise with the pressures you felt to maintain this friendship. I also knew people that were the children of my mums childhood friend. I grew up being expected to get on with them too. You cant force a relationship with anyone though, it is either there or it isn't. So despite my mother being disappointed that I chose not to keep in touch from my late teens, that is what happened.

I dont blame you for being saddened that this lady shared private news about your miscarriage. Anyone with any social etiquette knows that is not on. You chose to share this sensitive experience with her and placed your trust with her and she broke that. No-one needs friends of friends approaching them and offering amature counselling over something so private.

I think it was in bad taste, for your friend to give the name you had chosen for your baby, to her own child. I have known this happen between two of my friends also. The one that had miscarried approached their friend and asked her why she had done this. The response didn't help either of them really. Quite a curt reply of 'you dont have copywright on the name and you might not ever have a girl, you could have a son' went down like a lead ballon and was the nail in the coffin of that friendship.

Draw a permanent line under this relationship OP and move on is my advice. Life is too short to be around people who bing you down so much

valk_scot

I can't quite tell...does your mum know the whole story about how X blabbed your personal conversation to half the town? If not, tell her, or let her read your post here. Then (hopefully) your mum will see youur point of view and stop pushing you and, hopefully, act as some sort of stop at her end between herself and the other mum's complaints. Because I don't think you're being at all unreasonable wanting to drop close contact with X here and are being more gracious than most by not causing a scene and forcing folk to take sides. Good on you, put it behind you and move on...well, once you've persuaded your mum to let the matter drop.

nikki11

You're def not overreacting, she's selfish and inconsiderate to you esp when you opened up to her. I feel for your poor mum as another poster said she 'wants to keep everyone happy'! As you say just tell x's mum you're busy, she should soon give up!:j

koalamummy

Hi OP. I have been in a similar position to the one you have found yourself in recently. Unfortunately sometimes the only option left to us is to have the courage of our convictions and to stand up for ourselves no matter the outcome. It will not be a guilt free process, it never is if you are a decent person. Nonetheless it is really worthwhile long term.

spamalot

Valk-Scot - my mum knows everything that has happened. She has her own quirks as well, one minute she'll be very sympathetic and supportive and the then she'll be laying on a bit of a guilt trip and trying to emotionally manipulate me.

Tbh I've always found the situation to be a bit claustraphobic, i.e. my mum and her mum talk information goes round to X and me and then back the other way. There's a lot of trying to keep the situation like it was when we were kids, its just not healthy. A clean break is definitely the way ahead, I just wish I could let go of feeling annoyed. Getting it out on this forum is really helping.

TamVilla80

Very different situation to you, but as someone who has 'ditched' a friend, you will feel much better for it in the long run. I think as a person you are questioning it as it feels like a mean thing to do, but in all honesty, it's your life and if it makes you happier then stick with it. I would just leave it as is for now if I was you.
Good luck with your ttc x

sassyblue

spamalot wrote: »

You guys and girls rock! :T thank you so much for your replies, it feels great to get it off my chest.

So let me ask, do you think I'm overreacting? How would you feel?

I get from your posts so far that you think not.

My mum is trying to persuade me not to rock the boat and stay in contact. She feels awkward about seeing X's mum as she feels she has to make excuses why I'm not in contact with X. My response was don't make excuses, just say I'm busy end of.

I'm done with it tbh, I just want to get it out of my head. Maybe its a bit of grief for the friendship from when we were kids, rose tinted view I suppose. You can't expect that to continue into late adulthood.

They all sound like drama llamas tbh, this girl betrayed your confidence and chose the same baby name that you had chosen when your pregnancy ended badly so there was always going to be sadness there for you... Yet none of them think its an issue and wonder why you've distanced yourself?!

Ignore them OP, you've done the right thing by walking away with your dignity intact. I wouldn't write a letter, people like this always try and twist things to their advantage. . Plus ignoring people infuriates them because they're getting no response from you.

And DannyBo, l had a letter with 'have a nice life' once, the answer to that one was 'without you in it l will do'

X

stiltwalker

With the best will in the world, time change, people change and friendships change. My husband and I are finding that we have less in common and less contact with friends of donkey's years due to some of the curveballs life has thrown us and how we have changed in response to that. What time and energy we have for friends is focused on those who are our daily/weekly support. It's not that we have fallen out with or don't like other friends, just that we aren't in the same place.

By the sounds of it you, on the other hand, have done your best to keep up with a friendship that was never your choice and never to your taste for an awful lot of years in order to keep others happy. I personally would not have had that amount of patience or tolerance and I commend you for yours. Feel no guilt, and more importantly don't allow your mother to make you feel guilty about letting this 'friendship' slide away.