Long-standing friendship gone south

spamalot

Ok, I've been stewing on this for a while and I'd really appreciate some different perspectives on it.

I've been friends with someone, let's call her X for a long time, basically since we were kids. Mostly its been a good friendship, although it really is based on the fact that our mums were friends rather than us chosing to be friends with each other. Anyway, we are like chalk and cheese really, always have been. But we managed to stay friends. Looking back I think its because I never really thought I could open up to her so a lot of things went unsaid. When I did try I usually got the look of 'why are you talking about these deep issues, can't we just talk about something light?' so I backed off. So as we grew up I went off to Uni, travelled the world, basically really enjoyed myself. X stayed at home, lived with her parents and stayed in the same circle from school. Nothing wrong with that, although when we would meet up it would make for a very stilted conversation as we had very little in common. I think in many ways we remained friends because our mums were friends and nobody wanted to rock the boat.

There was one occasion when we were both in our early 30s where her mum phoned me out of the blue. She said that X had been very upset after she got back from having lunch with me and what had i done to upset her. First I was staggered that my friends mother was phoning me to tell me off like a little kid when we were both in our 30s, and then secondly I was shocked because nothing, and I mean nothing, had happened at all during our lunch. We were both laughing and joking. I was pretty annoyed by this phonecall but just thought her mum was a little eccentric.

Anyway fast forward to our mid thirties, I'd gone through a horrible miscarriage and was very upset. I don't usually open up to people but I got very drunk and ended up in the bathroom crying with X and pouring my heart out. She was very nice and supportive. I even told her the names that we had picked out to call the baby.

X gets married not long after and I go along to her hen do. Whilst I'm at the dinner friends of X came up to me and started telling me how sorry they were about my miscarriage and then went into counselling mode, talking about dead babies and how everything was going to be ok with me. They knew quite a lot of details which I had only told X. I was was absolutely furious, but I bit my tongue as I didn't want to spoil things. THen when we were at the wedding the same thing happened again. I was sat next to one of these friends who started trying to counsel me saying she's been through it and giving me advice, when I hadn't even brought up the subject. I was really angry and basically cut her off. But again I stopped myself from getting too annoyed not wanting to spoil the wedding. I ended up taking time out with my husband and I knew in my heart from that moment on, our friendship was over. I couldn't trust X at all and I thought if there is no trust then what's the point.

I didn't see her for about a year after that as we moved up to Scotland with my husbands work. I thought that I would gradually let the friendship die out and save us both the hassle of an argument. Believe me I would have been up for it but I knew it would cause trouble for my mum and dad, and my sister, so I didn't. Anyway she got in touch via text to say she was pregnant, I congratulated her. DH and I were still trying and to this day are still trying, so hearing any friend is pregnant is hard but I've always made the effort to be really nice and supportive as its my issue not theirs.Anyway I later found out that she has used the baby name that I told her that we would use when we were successful. I know its crazy to get hung up on a name, but that little girls name was our special thing and she definitely knew that. When I found out I was really angry, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. At this point I knew absolutely that the friendship was over, not caring that I'd known her for so long. There are some lines you don't cross. I knew that if I'd confronted her she'd deny remembering that i'd told her or I'd get another phone call from her mum. So I thought stuff it, walk away.

Anyway DH and I came back from Scotland for a family visit and unluckily I bumped into her mum at the petrol station. She asked when I was going to contact X as she would love to see me. I must point out that I haven't seen her new baby at all because I've cut off contact, although I did send a card when her daughter was born. It was really awkward and I wanted to say exactly what I thought but I just couldn't. I felt like she was trying to pressurise me into being friends again with X. Anyway I just fobbed her off with some vague answer and left. I know that her mum knows how annoyed I was about the hen do and wedding, and the baby name because my sister told her sister, who definitely passed it on (the sisters tell each other everything). Nothing has come back from that, nothing at all. No acknowledgement of hurt feelings, nothing its just basically been ignored. Again this in my eyes has confirmed that ending the friendship is the best thing.

So I'm now at the point where I've cut off contact. Its made me very sad but I still feel angry about it all when I think of it. I don't want to go back but sometimes it goes round and round my head.

Thanks for reading this if you've got this far. I would really appreciate your thoughts x

DannyBo

Wow! That was a long post ! Read it twice

I think you've tried your very best to let the friendship slide into nothing and without causing a scene - yet you are still mulling things over.

So the best thing to do would be; send X a letter outlining all of the above and maybe that will make you feel better and give you some closure x

whitewing

Someone I used too work with got pregnant around the same time as her cousin. She's decided on her baby name; unfortunately, the cousin's baby was born first, she used the name. Now the grandmother has two granddaughters with the same first name and and the same surname. My colleague was very hurt.

nikki11

Hi Spamalot, I don't think she was ever your friend to start off with. Telling people your personal business which she would have known you wouldn't have wanted. Maybe she's jealous that you've done something with your life and she hasn't? If it was me I'd say something to her but only if I bumped into her or her mother.:mad:

Good luck though with TTC and you should still use the names you had picked:)

Tiglath

I think you're best to resolve to move forward and forget her completely; she doesn't sound much of a friend (probably jealous of you) so walk away with dignity. You've been burned by the buzz of gossip from all the surrounding people, so if it comes up in conversation, just say 'Oh friendships change over time and I don't think we have much in common anymore' and change the subject. Refuse to be drawn into the dramas - you're under no obligation to her or her mother, and the sisters need to keep their big gobs shut. It sounds unlikely that she'll ever contact you again, so you'll have an easy escape that way.

DannyBo

Tiglath wrote: »

I think you're best to resolve to move forward and forget her completely; she doesn't sound much of a friend (probably jealous of you) so walk away with dignity. You've been burned by the buzz of gossip from all the surrounding people, so if it comes up in conversation, just say 'Oh friendships change over time and I don't think we have much in common anymore' and change the subject. Refuse to be drawn into the dramas - you're under no obligation to her or her mother, and the sisters need to keep their big gobs shut. It sounds unlikely that she'll ever contact you again, so you'll have an easy escape that way.

She has broken off contact but she says that she keeps on thinking about the situation. So maybe a letter would close that chapter once and for all.

Tiglath

I suspect a letter might open up a warzone - the friends Mum would get on the phone to OP's Mum, the sisters would get involved, could make things awkward next time OP visits the area and then it's worse than ever ... I'm only going by what's been written, of course, but it all sounds like a lot of hassle when it's more dignified to deal with the feelings without giving anyone else any ammunition.

DannyBo

Send the letter, tell her to photocopy it she likes and hand deliver to the sisters/mums/persons on hen do and tell her that that is the end of the matter - that the letter was just to clarify and avoid any Chinese whispers.

Preferably signed 'have a nice life'

michelle2008

As we get older we need different things from friendship - loyalty and values become much more important. This lady isn't your friend - you don't want to spend time with her and you don't trust her.

No need for further contact - be pleasant when you have to see her, but don't seek her out or try to explain your position - she will never see life the way you need her to.

cannyscot_2

It is probably not what you want to hear but you just need to forgive her and move on because that is the only way you will feel better about it. If necessary in your head justify what she did because she is jealous?/ daft?/mean ? whatever but find a way to justify it in your head and let it go. You have every right to feel bad . I too experienced something similar during years of IVF and felt super bad. You have had a bad experience and continue to do so. The wanting a child makes you in some ways slightly crazy ( not in a bad way) only another person who has experienced it can probably really understand it.

Concentrate on you and what makes you feel better -she is irrelevant as she has proved.

I left said friend behind and it was really a huge relief -funnily I did it when I moved to Scotland too. there are lots of lovely people out there go join something , meet new people and find a good friend and you will look back soon and think you cant even remember why you were friends.

Lots of luck - Keep in there.

spamalot

You guys and girls rock! :T thank you so much for your replies, it feels great to get it off my chest.

So let me ask, do you think I'm overreacting? How would you feel?

I get from your posts so far that you think not.

My mum is trying to persuade me not to rock the boat and stay in contact. She feels awkward about seeing X's mum as she feels she has to make excuses why I'm not in contact with X. My response was don't make excuses, just say I'm busy end of.

I'm done with it tbh, I just want to get it out of my head. Maybe its a bit of grief for the friendship from when we were kids, rose tinted view I suppose. You can't expect that to continue into late adulthood.