Long-standing friendship gone south

Perryl_2

I don't think you are overreacting at all, Spamalot. I think a lot of mums with two girls the same age that are friends encourage the girls to be friends too. My mum and a friend of hers did the same with me and her daughter as well. We were also like chalk and cheese, but the damage to our friendship was done a lot earlier in life than in yours.

At the end of the day, you are an adult, you have your own life and friends, you moved miles away and friendships can fade in those circumstances. The girl hurt you (and damn I'd be hurt too) and everyone else should butt the heck out and let sleeping dogs lay (and I'd probably be telling them that if they started up about it at me as well).

These are the kind of things that I think would go around a lot in most peoples heads, especially when things trigger memories. When it does, I've found writing things down somewhere can help to vent it all out and make it all easier to process and come to terms with details.

I think you've done the right thing though, cutting contact. For you the friendship had become toxic, and truthfully from my point of view it doesn't look like she respected you fully.

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go." - Daniell Koepke

spamalot

Thank you all for your posts, you thoughts are really helping me see clearly that I've done the right thing.

sassy blue - drama llama I love it!! :rotfl::rotfl:I;ll have to remember that one.

I think nikki 11 is possibly right about the jealousy thing when I look back. In the nicest possible way she was a 'failure to launch' kind of girl, despite having every comfort and a stable family life she could never really get out into the big wide world. It was kind of sad really because she had real potential at school, I suppose there was always an underlying lack of confidence. Me, I couldn't wait to get out there and do everything! Looking back from her perspective it must have been hard to hear about all the things I was doing and not wonder what if? Jealousy would absolutely explain a lot of her reactions when I think of it, especially the going home crying after our lunch. I think I've not really thought of this as a possibility before as she's always been sweetness and light whenever i've been around her, which is why all this came as a bit of a shock.

When my mum told me about the baby name thing, she said she thought that it was possibly one way for X to get 'one up on me' as its the only thing that she's done that I haven't. Tbh this thinking didn't really help as this is a sensitive subject for me and I really wasn't thinking that way right then. But who knows, maybe she is right?

I suppose the more I understand it the easier it will be to put it all to bed.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I'm sure your mum is right about the one up-man-ship thing. And you don't want that in your face forever right?

So next time your mum asks just reflect it back to her. 'Why would I want to be friends with someone who gossips about me and tries to get one over on me?'

FBaby

Don't over think it. In the end, there is clearly underlying issues for both of you. To start with, it is hard to be truly friend with someone you related to who had a baby when you are desperate for one yourself. You can remain polite and friendly, when it comes to it, it makes it very hard to share the things you have at heart.

You don't have to be friends, end of. Friendship is not something you make, it is the end product of a relationship that makes you feel good. If it doesn't, then the friendship doesn't exist.

Don't rule her out. I had a close friends who I decided I didn't want to be friend with any longer (for reasons that would be too long to write about here) and we stopped contact for about 5 years. Then circumstances meant that we were likely to run into each other again and we did. The conversation was polite, the past wasn't mentioned. Since then, we have found ourselves in same group and have spoken affectionately, but nothing more than that. It felt good as in the end, it is hard not to feel guilty about losing out a friendship (and in her case, I expect she was too self absorbed to even start to understand why I stopped contact), even if you know it was the right thing to do.

Don't be pushed into being friends, but at the same time, don't close yourself totally to a possibility of establishing some form of contact again in later years, you never know, circumstances could possibly bring you close together...or not!

barbiedoll

Please don't write any form of letter or email. It would be passed around to all and sundry and when writing to someone who has annoyed you, it is very difficult to know when to stop. If you're not careful, she'll make you look like a whinging harpie.

Personally, I'd rather go round and have a proper argument. If you think that would make you feel better, then do it! It's none of your mum's or your sister's business who your friends are, so tell them to butt out. This "friend" sounds like a nightmare. Spreading your most intimate secrets around to everyone she knows, asking her mummy to call you to reprimand you about perceived slights during a long-ago lunch, and taking your baby name, are not the actions of someone who cares about you. But don't put anything in writing, people like her will keep any such correspondence and will use it as a stick to beat you with for years to come.

It sounds like you're well rid!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

FBaby wrote: »

Don't over think it. In the end, there is clearly underlying issues for both of you. To start with, it is hard to be truly friend with someone you related to who had a baby when you are desperate for one yourself. You can remain polite and friendly, when it comes to it, it makes it very hard to share the things you have at heart.

So women who want a baby and don't have one are also destined to remain friendless as well - apart from other childless women?

I'm sorry but this is complete piffle.

FBaby

I've been on both sides of the coin and it is not easy. I use to meet up with a friend who had been struggling for 12 months to fall pregnant after a miscarriage. I knew the last thing she wanted to hear was how sleep deprived I was, how I was at the end of my tether trying to find a remedy for colic so that my baby would stop crying all the time, how stressed I felt all the time looking after my 3 year old too when I was getting so little support from my then partner. Yet, that was my life then , all consuming, and not talking about it was not opening up as I would do to a close friend. Similarly, I later found myself the one struggling to conceive after a miscarriage, and meeting with pregnant friends who understandably wanted to discuss their pregnancy in details was more of a polite affair, then a getting together that made me feel great afterwards.

I am not saying that all friendship should stop in these situations but like relationships, friendships go through ups and downs. My 1st friend did have a baby in the end, and I have now moved on so meeting with the other one and her young baby doesn't bring jealous feelings any longer, so I can meet with both without any apprehension and worry about what I say or feel.

FBaby

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

So women who want a baby and don't have one are also destined to remain friendless as well - apart from other childless women?

I'm sorry but this is complete piffle.

Just to add, there is a big difference between 'want a baby and don't have one yet' and 'desperately want a baby, don't have one and worried I might never do'

lazer

Friendships are strange and often harder than relationships.

I had a close friend who was there for me through all the hard stuff in my life (although looking back now she was always very self absorbed).

However, when it came to the good stuff, she has not bothered with me - engagement, wedding, first house, new job etc. I kept inviting her to everything and being upset when i got no reply - eventually I realised that she was not worth caring about - TBH she got a new job and got married, and I think she just decided she didn;t want me in her life anymore

If you are ever going to ditch a friend - I think the least they deserve is to be told why - as being ditched as a friend seriously affected me and completely knocked my self esteem (which my husband has been trying to build up for years as I have never really had faith in myself).

Anyway - cut to the present and circumstances put us back in touch, and she wanted to be friends again, but I was strong enough to resist - despite the fact I miss her, miss our girly nights etc, I am worth more than being a part time friend who she can pick up and set down as she pleases

travelgran

Why not:
Write exactly what you want to say.
Read it through aloud in the voice you'd like to use.
Set it alight or shred it.

(Do not bin it - you'll be haunted by nightmares of it somehow arriving on her or her mother's doorstep!)