Long-standing friendship gone south

bagpussbear

hugs! I think you've made the right decision by cutting off contact with her, this friend doesn't bring you joy, only misery by the sounds of it.

But a couple of things jumped out at me - you say you feel angry, but is this anger more at yourself at not speaking out, not telling her you think she was out of order, when you thought she was?

What also comes across from your thread (forgive me if I am barking up the wrong tree!) is you seem to have a fear (right word?) of saying what you feel, eg. you could have said to her mum that as far as you were concerned the friendship was over so had no plans to be in touch with X. But instead you were vague.

This friend has not been a good friend to you.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

FBaby wrote: »

Just to add, there is a big difference between 'want a baby and don't have one yet' and 'desperately want a baby, don't have one and worried I might never do'

And so you are saying that women 'desperate to have a baby 'are only able to have friends with women who do not have babies?

Still complete piffle. You do not speak for all women who are desperate to have babies - this is an assumption on your part for whatever reason. It is not fact.

spamalot

bagpussbear wrote: »

hugs! I think you've made the right decision by cutting off contact with her, this friend doesn't bring you joy, only misery by the sounds of it.

But a couple of things jumped out at me - you say you feel angry, but is this anger more at yourself at not speaking out, not telling her you think she was out of order, when you thought she was?

What also comes across from your thread (forgive me if I am barking up the wrong tree!) is you seem to have a fear (right word?) of saying what you feel, eg. you could have said to her mum that as far as you were concerned the friendship was over so had no plans to be in touch with X. But instead you were vague.

This friend has not been a good friend to you.

I think you've picked up on a couple of things there that cut to the heart of this. I do feel angry at not speaking out and I think it does come from fear. I suppose on the surface its fear at rocking the boat but maybe more deeply I guess i'm a bit frightened that if i start being angry and saying what i think I won't stop!! I've always had to bottle up my feelings around my family and family friends for reasons I won't go into but mostly for fear of hurting others who were already vulnerable and unstable. So i keep things to myself. My DH is the only person i've ever in the words of Pink in the song 'Just give me a reason' "let you see the parts of me that weren't so pretty" (i'm loving Pink at the moment!! btw:T). We have big loud healthy arguments and tell each other everything and its great. I must add that I do have other really good friends that are not linked to my family in anyway and they are fab. I can be myself with them.


Regarding the childless woman/friends issue, I do have a really good friend who has recently had a baby and she is really fab with me. I love her baby, cuddling her is a great joy and my friend is always asking how I am, encouraging me in ttc and saying she can't wait to meet our baby when they decide to turn up! She's absolutely got the balance right that makes me feel good and included in her life. I love sympathising with her when she talks about baby issues. I think it really comes down to being emotionally intelligent about how the other person is feeling and acknowledging it. That's how it seems to me anyway.

Mojisola

spamalot wrote: »

I've been friends with someone, let's call her X for a long time, basically since we were kids. Mostly its been a good friendship, although it really is based on the fact that our mums were friends rather than us chosing to be friends with each other.

Anyway, we are like chalk and cheese really, always have been. But we managed to stay friends.

when we would meet up it would make for a very stilted conversation as we had very little in common. I think in many ways we remained friends because our mums were friends and nobody wanted to rock the boat.

Reading this - she never has really been a friend, has she?

Someone you're very familiar with and have known for a long time but not what I'd call a friend.

dandelionclock30

Its very unkind what she did, a decent person with integrity wouldn't have done these things.I know nobody is perfect and everyone can have off times but what she has done destroys any type of friendship really. Leave her to it I say.She will know what she has done so there is no need to be writing her letters etc.
Also regarding your Mum just tell her straight that your friendship with this woman is over for good and you don't want to discuss it again ever.As far as your concerned the subject is now closed.End of story.
If you see the ex friends Mum or sister out and about, I would just say good morning etc and then walk on. No point getting dragged into pointless chats etc.
Good luck with it all.

FBaby

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

And so you are saying that women 'desperate to have a baby 'are only able to have friends with women who do not have babies?

Still complete piffle. You do not speak for all women who are desperate to have babies - this is an assumption on your part for whatever reason. It is not fact.

No, that is not what I am saying at all. You need to read better. What I am saying is that at times, you might find yourself with issues that are at the opposite end of your friends' issues and that talking about them could upset them, but feeling you can't talk about them means that you can't open up as you do with a close friend. It is often share issues that bring closeness to friends. I have many good friends, but depending on what is going in my life, I feel closer to one or another.

In regards to the OP, the issues around the friendship seem to go deeper than that, but the matter of the baby would not help in dealing with the overlying issues for the time being.

mrcow

1. Do not send ANY letters! You will live to regret it. Even if it seems like a good idea at the time, just sit on your hands and don't do it.

2. You have done exactly the right thing by cutting contact and walking away with your dignity. Keep it that way.

3. If your Mum speaks to you about it again, tell her that you are not interested and tell her that she is NOT to part with any personal information about you. Your business is your own business. Not some gossip resource that your Mum can use so she has something to talk about with her friends. Tell your mother that she is not to talk to this woman about you except on a purely cursory level. If she's asked about something specific, a quick "I don't know" and a change of subject gets the message across sufficiently. She is your mother. You are her priority, not some other random family. There are no mixed loyalties here.

4. Move on and forget about it. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You don't have to have ANYthing to do with this family whatsoever. This is your live. Live it the way you want. Not the way others want you to.

CH27

spamalot wrote: »

Valk-Scot - my mum knows everything that has happened. She has her own quirks as well, one minute she'll be very sympathetic and supportive and the then she'll be laying on a bit of a guilt trip and trying to emotionally manipulate me.

Tbh I've always found the situation to be a bit claustraphobic, i.e. my mum and her mum talk information goes round to X and me and then back the other way. There's a lot of trying to keep the situation like it was when we were kids, its just not healthy. A clean break is definitely the way ahead, I just wish I could let go of feeling annoyed. Getting it out on this forum is really helping.

I think you need to tackle your mum as she is the one perpetuating the situation.
Tell her that you do not want her to discuss you or your life with anyone & that you do not wish to hear what that family are up to.

thorsoak

spamalot wrote: »

You guys and girls rock! :T thank you so much for your replies, it feels great to get it off my chest.

So let me ask, do you think I'm overreacting? How would you feel?

I get from your posts so far that you think not.

My mum is trying to persuade me not to rock the boat and stay in contact. She feels awkward about seeing X's mum as she feels she has to make excuses why I'm not in contact with X. My response was don't make excuses, just say I'm busy end of.

I'm done with it tbh, I just want to get it out of my head. Maybe its a bit of grief for the friendship from when we were kids, rose tinted view I suppose. You can't expect that to continue into late adulthood.

My advice? Do nothing, say nothing. You don't live close by now, when you visit your family, just be "too busy" to see her. You don't have to respond to texts/emails ....you're just too busy!

You two have totally different lives - people are sometimes in our lives for a short time as was this person

ognum

I have read this through and in truth I don't think this person was ever a friend.

She was someone who you were thrown together with due to circumstance. You it seems now foolishly confided in her, she let you down. She was never a friend.

In life we often have rude awakenings and this has been one for you. You don't need her in your life. In fact you do not need to waste time thinking or worrying about her.

Keep walking your journey, she is not a part of it and it's your journey through life.

Do not feel bad if you never see her again, if you do be pleasant and move on quickly.

This person does not deserve all this thought, worry and anguish. Move on.