Crying and more crying and she hasn't even gone yet!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

stebiz wrote: »

I think what a few are forgetting is that a mobile is always with most 'kids'. Even now at home we keep in touch one way or another - usually email.

I can't see how she couldn't find time to send a text - and the occasional call. It's not as if it's going to cost her anything. I'm guessing she'll probably do it late at night once she's settling down but if she doesn't that's not a big problem.

What if she doesn't want to?


What if she actually finds it's bliss not having to check in with you ten times a day? (As an aside - seriously? You email her throughout the day when she lives with you? Do you think she might get lost or forget where the house is if you don't remind her of your existence and needs every few minutes?)


What if she finds that nobody else has clingy adults needing constant reassurance that they're loved? And that she is the only person who is bombarded with hysterical messages if she doesn't get in touch on a schedule predetermined for her?




You're training her to respond to unhealthy, controlling and potentially abusive relationships as she grows up. The man who demands she is always contactable, always has her phone with her, speaks to him every day, that she is constantly concerned about how he feels when she is outside his physical control. The one who can't bear her to leave the house without him demanding and getting constant reassurance. She'll see it as normal, as proof that he loves her - because Dad did it.

stebiz

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

What if she doesn't want to?


What if she actually finds it's bliss not having to check in with you ten times a day? (As an aside - seriously? You email her throughout the day when she lives with you? Do you think she might get lost or forget where the house is if you don't remind her of your existence and needs every few minutes?)


What if she finds that nobody else has clingy adults needing constant reassurance that they're loved? And that she is the only person who is bombarded with hysterical messages if she doesn't get in touch on a schedule predetermined for her?




You're training her to respond to unhealthy, controlling and potentially abusive relationships as she grows up. The man who demands she is always contactable, always has her phone with her, speaks to him every day, that she is constantly concerned about how he feels when she is outside his physical control. The one who can't bear her to leave the house without him demanding and getting constant reassurance. She'll see it as normal, as proof that he loves her - because Dad did it.

That's ridiculous. I don't force her to text me or be in for a certain time. She texts me and my wife, sis/bro to share her life with and I'm glad she can share all her problems and happiness with me,

peachyprice

stebiz wrote: »

I suppose some of your points are right but we have always been a close family.

I said it before and I'll say it again, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with being a close family. Please do stop confusing being a close family with being an over-protective parent, the two are very, very different. You don't have to suffocate your children for them to be close.

mrcow

I went away labroad for 2 weeks at 18.
And again at 19
And again at 20

etc. etc. Sometimes with school/university. Sometimes under my own steam.

I'd have been mortified if my parents had expected me to keep calling.

In fact I didn't contact them once I don't think!

We are a VERY close family, so that certainly has nothing to do with it.

I guess it's that my parents trust me and know that they would be contacted if they needed to be. They certainly would have wanted a blow by blow account of my daily activities.

I would have felt smothered. In fact, it would probably have encouraged me to call them even less (had I'd had a mobile phone back then).

paulineb_2

Im from a close family. Theres only me my mum and my brother now, my gran died two years ago. My brother is 34, Im 44. I dont have kids myself so I cant speak from that aspect but my brother goes to Turkey twice a year, when he lands he still sends my mum a text to say landed safely. You dont stop worrying or caring about people just because they are a certain age.

I speak to my mum most days, we see one another at least once a week and yes Im a lot older than the girl in question, but in the days of me going on holiday with my friends, 20 or so years ago. Id phone when I landed so my mum knew all was well and then Id phone whenever I could. It might be another once, it might have been every other day but as long as I checked in when I was there safely thats all that mattered. It wasnt expected of me.

Those were the days before email and mobiles, but if your daughter has wifi in her hotel, she can email you when she can. That should be enough. Id say ask her to let you know shes arrived safely and then after that, leave it up to her.

As for the issues with your wife refusing to wave her off, thats ridiculous. Anytime I went on a school trip abroard my mum was always there, as were most other parents. And Ive also been in stages in my life where Ive suffered from anxiety and depression, but those were my issues and yes its very easy to let the smallest thing become a bigger thing, but that isnt her problem

Theres nothing wrong with being a close family, as I said above my family are close and always have been. But you have to allow your daughter her freedom as well, your child will always be your child no matter what age, but you have two choices

Let her go and place unrealistic demands on her about how often she should call you/email you/text you

Let her go and ask that she calls/emails/texts to let you know shes landed safely and again when she arrives home with the occasional email in between

As for the floods of tears about her going, if you or your wife are feeling so low about what should be a relatively happy event, Id be seeing my GP, because its a big reaction to what in the scheme of things is something positive for your daughter.

Its up to you what you do, but people have said on this post, demand too much from her and she might just up and leave as soon as she is possibly able to do so.

valk_scot

My DS took his phone to the US with him, turned out that it didn't work quite as expected so the first contact we had with him was from Heathrow on the return journey. No blog or website to update and I don't do Facebook or that sort of thing. Still, I was fine by it, the supervising teachers would have phoned if anything had gone wrong so the assumtion was he was fine. And he's a confident boy, I didn't think he'd be homesick. Another parent did the same as you OP with his DD, fixed her up with a US capable phone and tarrif. His DD didn't even touch the phone for the entire trip.

BTW our Scout camps and trips very much discourage the kids from taking mobile phones along, the only time I can remember DS taking his was one trip when we had to pick him up directly from a campsite in Germany as we were also on holiday there. The general idea is that it's better for the kids to be focussing on what they're doing rather than constantly looking back over their shoulders for mum and dad. My DD first went on a 10 day camp when she was nine, doing all sorts of Outward Bound stuff and watersports. Did I feel I needed daily contact to be assured she was fine? No, I trusted the leaders to keep her safe and if I hadn't trusted them (and her) she wouldn't have been going tbh.

If I were you, OP, I'd hand her the phone with the words "...if you need to get in touch, or feel like a chat." Nothing else. No insistance on daily updates and no obligation on her part. And don't phone her unless it's for something really important.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

stebiz wrote: »

That's ridiculous. I don't force her to text me or be in for a certain time. She texts me and my wife, sis/bro to share her life with and I'm glad she can share all her problems and happiness with me,

Is it?


Would you like the idea of a man/boy expecting her to contact him several times every day when she was going to be seeing him later anyway? Of having to carry a phone at all times so he can hear from her every night before she goes to sleep when she's on holiday? To share every aspect of her life with him? To cry or refuse to wave her off because he was going to miss her too much to cope with her going away for a few days?



Do you want her to see that as normal?

lauroar

stebiz wrote: »

I suppose some of your points are right but we have always been a close family. I still call my brother, Mum, Dad regularly. Even go on holiday with them as a big gang. I lend my brother money. He does things for me. It is the way we like it and it works well for us.

I've been holding back from posting but this ^ is just ridiculous. I have a very close family. I call my mum, dad and brother regularly. Some weeks I'm in contact with my mum every day (we live in different cities) We go on holiday together occasionally. I've lent my brother money, and borrowed money from my parents. We would all bend over backwards to help each other.

They still didn't expect daily, or even weekly contact when I went on a school trip for a month to Australia and Singapore aged 15. I had a mobile at the time.

Seriously, chill out. Daily contact doesn't = closeness or love. Closeness comes from sharing things with each other when you both want to, not one putting unreasonable demands on the other. If she had gone away and wanted to contact you every day it would be a bit different (although I'd still encourage her to be a bit more independent) but the prerequisite arrangements/crying/fussing is enough to annoy even the most laid back teenager. Leave her be!

CH27

stebiz wrote: »

That's ridiculous. I don't force her to text me or be in for a certain time. She texts me and my wife, sis/bro to share her life with and I'm glad she can share all her problems and happiness with me,

You are being very selfish & controlling.
Let your daughter enjoy new experiences & be happy for her.

As parents we should enable our children to cope with life not smother them.

Frith

Can I ask how it works when your daughter is at school? Does she have to text or phone you throughout the school day?