Do table manners matter any more?

Callie22

I used to work in catering and often had to cater for some very high-level functions. On those occasions, if you're going for a full-on formal effect, you serve people based on their title and believe me, it gets incredibly confusing! You'd sit there for hours trying to work out people's full titles and who should go first. It is however a fairly old-fashioned way of doing it and it can cause no end of trouble when people don't understand why you're serving in the order you are. I don't do that at home though! My rule is guests first (and within that female guests first) and you all start to eat as soon as the food is served - to my mind it's bad manners for the host to expect guests to sit with congealing food whilst they wait for you to finish serving.

nannyboo1

What an interesting thread. I think (as has already been stated) 2 different things being talked about Manners and Etiquette. Etiquette may no longer be important as such unless you are in a situation where it is needed e.g. nobody can leave before the queen if I remember rightly and as an ex guide guider we couldn't leave a room or function until the County / Division / District commissioner (whoever was the highest there). To me that really wasn't important in life but I followed it.

On the other hand Manners cost nothing but they speak volumes. Someone said it was up to teachers to do this but I disagree teachers are there to teach the children an education not to bring our children up with manners. However as someone else then pointed out many children are no longer brought up during the day in a family situation and are often in childcare. As a childminder I 'teach' by example and we say please and thank you, etc. We sit at the table to eat and yes they are asked not to speak with a mouthful of food and to put knives and forks down between mouthfuls. One of my pet hates is watching a two year old cramming a sandwich into their mouth before they have even finished the last mouthful. Putting food / knives / forks down between mouthful teaches them to consciously think about what they are doing (just my own opinion). They all sit at the table until everyone finishes and it is a social occasion and they ask "please may I leave the table" when everyone has finished.

However we live in an age where many families do not sit down to eat together and sit in front of the TV to eat (Hubby and I are guilty of this ourselves - no children of our own) in fact you only have to look at many of the new build houses and many do not have room for a table - I know for a fact that out of three of hte four families I care for they do not have a table or separate dining room so the kids have a small table if lucky in front of the TV.

If I was entertaining depending on the number of people I would suggest they started so their dinner didn't get cold I would also serve older people before younger people at a family gathering not for any other reason than respect for my elders.

I again come from a generation where the man was served first as he was the person who had been out to work all day, then my older brother than me andfinally mum after she had served everyone else.

The children I look after are taught good manners by seeing me do / say it but I would not dream of telling them their parents are in the 'wrong'. If a child tells me I don't have to do that at home the reply is well at home you have Mummy's rules and here we have Kate's rules.

Growing up we were taught manners and to have respect for our elders but I also believe that respect is something that is earnt and not a right. Sadly these things seem to be disappearing. But many parents were not brought up with these so how can they teach their own children.

honeythewitch

nannyboo1 wrote: »

What an interesting thread. I think (as has already been stated) 2 different things being talked about Manners and Etiquette. Etiquette may no longer be important as such unless you are in a situation where it is needed e.g. nobody can leave before the queen if I remember rightly and as an ex guide guider we couldn't leave a room or function until the County / Division / District commissioner (whoever was the highest there). To me that really wasn't important in life but I followed it.

On the other hand Manners cost nothing but they speak volumes. Someone said it was up to teachers to do this but I disagree teachers are there to teach the children an education not to bring our children up with manners. However as someone else then pointed out many children are no longer brought up during the day in a family situation and are often in childcare. As a childminder I 'teach' by example and we say please and thank you, etc. We sit at the table to eat and yes they are asked not to speak with a mouthful of food and to put knives and forks down between mouthfuls. One of my pet hates is watching a two year old cramming a sandwich into their mouth before they have even finished the last mouthful. Putting food / knives / forks down between mouthful teaches them to consciously think about what they are doing (just my own opinion). They all sit at the table until everyone finishes and it is a social occasion and they ask "please may I leave the table" when everyone has finished.

However we live in an age where many families do not sit down to eat together and sit in front of the TV to eat (Hubby and I are guilty of this ourselves - no children of our own) in fact you only have to look at many of the new build houses and many do not have room for a table - I know for a fact that out of three of hte four families I care for they do not have a table or separate dining room so the kids have a small table if lucky in front of the TV.

If I was entertaining depending on the number of people I would suggest they started so their dinner didn't get cold I would also serve older people before younger people at a family gathering not for any other reason than respect for my elders.

I again come from a generation where the man was served first as he was the person who had been out to work all day, then my older brother than me andfinally mum after she had served everyone else.

The children I look after are taught good manners by seeing me do / say it but I would not dream of telling them their parents are in the 'wrong'. If a child tells me I don't have to do that at home the reply is well at home you have Mummy's rules and here we have Kate's rules.

Growing up we were taught manners and to have respect for our elders but I also believe that respect is something that is earnt and not a right. Sadly these things seem to be disappearing. But many parents were not brought up with these so how can they teach their own children.

The points you raise about it not being possible for some families to eat around the table, and that parents have less time with their children are the reasons i think it is important that we do teach manners and etiquette in schools. All of us agree how important it is to be equipped for all social occasions, and i would like all children to have the same opportunity, regardless of their home situation.
We already teach children how to behave, not squabbling, fighting or bullying. we do not allow them to steal or lie in school and these are also things which "should" be taught in the home.

zippychick

As this has dropped down the OS board, ive moved it to the families board to see if you get some more input over here

Zip

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com"]forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com[/EMAIL].

Mr_Toad

pigpen wrote: »

you're meant to use a tray when you eat in front of the tv???

Well that's the first time I've nearly choked on my coffee and had it running down my nose in years! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I hope it doesn't ruin the leather on the desk! :eek:

Tropez

Why does it matter when someone is served? Surely good table manners would involve everyone waiting to commence gorging until everybody at the table has been served?

heartbreak_star

If we go somewhere and OH has chips, he'll eat them with his hands. Drives me mad! Everything else he has great manners though.

I would get annoyed if someone served me or him first solely based on our gender. Equality first in my book. Similarly it annoys me when women expect men to pay all the time and to never buy a round of drinks, but that's another rant for another time.

I was always told as a child to use my knife and fork properly, no talking with mouth full, don't overfill your mouth, no elbows on the table, and knife and fork together when you're finished.

I was told that crossing your knife and fork means you were unhappy with your meal - can anyone confirm or was it just my dad's scare tactic?

HBS x

pulliptears

Does it matter?

In public both my children have impeccable table manners. One child works 3 days a week and is at Uni for days. OH works 80 miles away and walks through the door at 8pm, DD is studying for GCSE's.
On the very rare occasion we actually manage to sit down for a meal together as a family I couldn't care less how forks are held, if knives are the right way around or if someone is talking with their mouth full. I'm just grateful for the fact we have all managed to sit around a table, eat good food, laugh and enjoy eachothers company and to hell with the rest of it.

Estateprincess

I truly hate bad table manners!

Talking with food in your mouth and chewing with your mouth open are the two that get me and I find it a real distraction if I'm with someone that is doing either (or both:eek:)

I will avoid sitting next to my sister at family meals as she ALWAYS chews with her mouth open (but blames having a blocked nose - what ALL the time??!!)

My niece who is 5 has lovely table manners (despite having my sister as her mum!) but does forget sometimes so gets an "ah - we don't talk with food in our mouth"
I find it hard not to talk in the same way to teenagers and adults that won't wait until they have finished chewing before they start to speak :mad:

I would also expect people to wait until everyone is sat down before they start to eat and wait until everyone finishes before leaving (except little children who get easily bored, but they must ask to leave the table)

I'm 26 and am finding that people not even 10 years younger than me have terrible table manners.

Edit : Oh and as for burping and not putting your hand over your mouth or saying excuse me :eek: that is another pet hate!!

londonlydia

I'm 27 and I'm generally appalled by the tables manners in my generation, and as a girl guide leader working with 10-16 year olds even more so by the younguns!

What I've said before to people when I've felt I could bring it up (sometimes it would be poor maners myself to raise another's faults) is that even if you dont mind how people eat, believe me that other people will judge you on it...and the parenting you've received.

Things I particularly dislike are people putting knives in their mouth, talking with food in their mouth, only a fork in the dominant hand so it serves as the knife and fork and people criticising the menu choice when a guest (even if it's gross I think you have to be polite). Oh and not saying please and thank yous generally.

May I point out an observation from working with kids as well...I find that class and manners are better in children from poorer backgrounds strangely. I've worked with kids from well-off backgrounds and I've found that you rarely hear a please or thank you, and the general manners of helping out are missing.