Hoarding - Springing Ahead

GreyQueen

Calicocat, your friend sounds in a bad way but I don't see how you can do more for her than you are doing already, by being a listening ear, if she isn't ready to make changes.

Things do tend to come to a head at this time of year. A pal who is a divorce solicitor tells me that the phones start ringing off the hook in early January. Couples are spending unaccustomed amounts of time together, plus having the spectre of "the perfect family christmas" dangled in front of them as something to aspire to, and feel bad about if "failing" to achieve it. If a relationship is wobbling, Christmas will make it worse.

I find that I'm getting exasperated at the over-doneness of it all. When did Christmas become such a bloated monster that it has to bestride the calendar like a colossus, menacing all around it? All X has to be done before Christmas, and all Y can't be done until New Year has passed, a lot of the country seems to be about to shut down for a fortnight (I have 3 days plus New Year's Day and consider that plenty).

Me and mine will get together and have a roast beef dinner with a few seasonal extras, some other nice meals, eat too many sweeties and go for the odd walk/ watch a bit of telly for the oldsters. We will have a few sherries, a beer or two, some wine and play some games. Play with the cats and have some laughs.

Probably as boring as all-come-out to some, but we're just doing our thing and enjoying each other's company and it makes us happy.

Yup, definately looking forward to getting these gifts outta here. I like buying presents for people and tend to do it throughout the year as the right thing at the right price appears, but they do take up space and it'll be good to see that opening up again.

I have been a wee bit norty and bought 3 books from the charity shop but they were only £1 together and can be re-donated once I've read them. And I did donate a bag which included 2 other books, can you detect a note of self-justification here? :rotfl:

lobbyludd

hey calico. I would suggest, not knowing anyone involved the way you do, that hoarding is probably a symptom of your friends distress. A listening, non judgemental ear is crucial to allow a person to come to their own decisions about what is best for them. An occasional well timed "you deserve better", but without any suggestions regarding what to do? Incredibly difficult for someone who loves that person, I know, having been on both sides of that experiencing DV/loving someone who is experiencing DV. You are doing the loving thing.

on another note - wow! I am blown away by what you are accomplishing on the home front.

I am feeling less overwhelmed, I'm off work until friday (and traversing the country in between) but most of the kids presents got wrapped last night without them discovering me doing it, and with that and the umpteen things to be provided for the last week of term out of the way, the rest of the house seems less of a problem.

I've cleared the basket in the kitchen that contains "things that live elsewhere", quite a lot of those things live in the bin as it turns out I am on top of the washing - a lot of it is not put away, but I'm going to pack the suitcases tomorrow so no real point in moving it from where it is now! With some focussed clearing up/throwing away as pottering about for a few hours the house is in a good enough state for anyone who knows me to arrive, (friend coming over tomorrow night), and I feel I have some extra time to sort stuff tomorrow, might even be able to fit in a cs run over the weekend to clear the boot.

and if I can't it will go to the recycling centre - I won't bring it back in, or carry it in the boot up and down the country

GreyQueen

Morning all.

I've reached a decision about a bicycle pannier set which I bought (new and unused from a bootsale) in the summer.

I've found that it's not suitable for my needs and interferes with the bike which has to go into a pretty small space in a shed which is itself only 36" wide.

But I paid good money, as the litany goes. A tenner. But, as I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion, an unsatisfactory item doesn't become more satisfactory the longer you keep it around. It just becomes more and more annoying and that tenner ain't ever coming back.

I shall donate the set, the top part of which hasn't even been on the bike, and write it off to experience. There isn't room to have panniers on this bike whilst it had to live in that shed, so I will do a version of what I did with its predecessor, which is to look for a narrow, rectangular steep-sided basket and wire it on top of the carrier so I can sling shopping bags into it.

Other than that, it's the daily drag-in and drag-out with the recycling and the household waste. Produce a small carrier bag of non-recyclables per week, but there's only me here and I'm not exactly Mrs Super-Consumer............:rotfl:

One thing my family have done some years is have a good old declutter in the doldrum days between Boxing Day and New Year, for those who have some time off and are bored witless. Might be an idea to check the seasonal opening hours of your local tip and charity shops, in case you want to be shedding instead of sledding this holibobs?

ginnyknit

I love the 'doldrum days' as you put it GQ. when I was a CS manager I always blitzed the shops and felt good afterwards so will apply that to the house this year. Big bag of books off to the Cs today :j

Also decided that the throw on my bed is just too heavy - it goes to the floor but I love it so am going to chop it to the size of the top of the bed like an old comforter. I need the extra warnth but this will make life easier and give me more room in the summer as it will fit under the mattress out of the way. Finished Dds curtains last night so ready to go and more space.

Ds is going to my Mums as we are bug ridden so cant go and risk giving it to her. So another bag of gifts going. Even de-cluttering the fridge by throwing all the bits in the sc with a chunk of mince meat :rotfl:

GreyQueen

Yeah, when my parents were at work (for the same employer, they're both retired now) their factory had a compulsory close down from just before Xmas Eve to 2nd January.

There are limits to what you can do outdoors, plus the days are short, and you can get bored witless otherwise. A bit of decluttering, esp if the offsprings are there to crawl in confined areas/ do the heavy lifting, can be hours of fun for all the family. I used to call it Domestic Archaelogy, some of the stuff we unearthed caused hoots of laughter.

It started with my habit of culling the cardboard-boxes-kept-after-buying-things-in. I instigated a regime of writing the purchase date on the outside of the box (I should mention that I'm a bossy daughter ) then they could be picked up in the next year's cull. Can recall a few runs to the tip with the seats down and their estate car packed to the roof with flattened cardboard boxes.

I do get a bit cross with packaging which orders you to retain it, as I have a stupidly-small flat and there is literally NOWHERE to put empty cardboard boxes. So they're flattened and go in the communal recycling bins outside. Luckily, I don't buy a lot of stuff so can go a whole year without this kept-box issue raising its ugly head.

Could I just say, on the subject of lofts and clutter, do you have a smoke detector in your loft? A senior fire officer recommended to me on a course that everyone should have one, as it's not uncommon for fires to start in the electrics of the loft and get a good hold on all the clutter-fuel before the alarm is raised.

My gosh, can you imagine if your roof blew away or was burned off and your loft-y treasures were exposed to public view?

Have now de-panniered the pushbike and pumped up the bike tyres and put the bike away and it fits so much better without them on. I shall be toddling off to the c.s. with it now, as once I have identified something as outta-here, I want it gone asap.

calicocat

Howdie folks,

Nothing much done today as spent morning in bed and was out this afternoon.

Plan for tomorrow....

Put clothes away that are lying about.
De-richard two handbags of rubbish.
Clean floors.
Dust and tidy lounge.
Last quick clean of kitchen.
Last load of washing,dry,and PUT AWAY.



Look at pink room if I get time.

That should be everything thrown out that needs to be for now, and the place tidy for xmas.


Thanks for the words about my friend, and you are right in that there is nothing more I can do other than listen. She may never change things of course, it's just awful seeing her sink further and further into it all.

After the xmas period I shall have to have a look at the pink room and sort what can be given away or thrown out.

My loft doesn't have a fire alarm I don't think..i haven't really put anything up there as yet other than a couple of suitcases of material I don't think, but you have got me thinking about that now and that I should have one.

Have a lovely xmas everyone and New year.!!

Pitlanepiglet

Calicocat, it might be helpful for you to read some of the earlier posts on this thread from some of us confirmed hoarders.

Hoarding is not just being untidy, it's not just being too lazy to get on and do things, for me it was triggered by the death of my mother when I was a child and the loss of security that followed. I collected 'stuff' as a way of building security. It took me 30 years to realise this and I posted about it around a year ago.

Your posts indicate that you've zipped through your lists in great time; for someone with an unhealthy relationship with 'stuff' this is close to impossible, every item is painful as there is an emotional attachment.

I find the lists posted of things done really stressful, they scare me. I'm much better than I was, I discovered that once I had sorted and dealt with the bulk of the hoarded stuff that I had been moving around with me for 25 years, that I actually have much less of a tendency to hoard now, the physiological triggers have virtually gone and whilst I'm still prone to keeping things 'just in case' I don't have the emotional attachment that I did.

Your friend is clearly having huge problems and it may help you help her if you understand how a hoarders brain works. My sister has no emotional attachment to stuff and spent years saying that she would come and help me, it scared me witless because she just didn't get that this was really painful and that throwing away a 1986 concert ticket stuff was a big deal to me because if the emotions it held - to her it was just old tat.

Sorry that sounds quite condescending, it isn't meant to be.

Back to lurking Happy Christmas

(Sorry for dodgy typing, using my phone to post)

GreyQueen

:T That's a very wise post, PLP, and thank you.

I consider that I have inherited hoarderish tendancies. Mum had a desperately poor and insecure early life and, although things settled down for her after aged 7, as a child in foster care, she has profound issues about "stuff" which my Dad, who loves her dearly, finds it hard to understand, after 50 years of marriage.

It's very hard to separate the emblem of the experience, such as your concert ticket example, from the actual experience. It's almost as if taking away the proof - the ticket stub- will render the memory of the gig null and void. Or if you ditch the valentine cards, you will never have been loved. Isn't that the definition of a fetish; that something becomes representative of the whole?

I do agree with the idea that it would be terrifying and impossible to have someone go through your stuff with you (or for you) as they wouldn't understand. I guess the best you can do to help a hoarder, should they be willing to be helped, is to offer to take the stuff to the dump/ the charity shop/ wherever. Not everyone has transport, or strength, and logistics can seem part of an insurmountable problem.

I was possicking in some files and found some programmes from a small regional theatre whose shows I had worked on. If you read the small print, there's my name, and that's why I kept them. Honestly, if I talk about my past here in RL, no one has ever called me on did I or didn't I work on XYZ show for Such-and-Such Theatre. Either they don't care (99.99% of cases) or they worked on them with me and have the shared memories. I can't imagine I shall ever be called upon to produce a theatre programme to prove I was working in a certain techy team.

So why keep them? Because........... I don't know. I hadn't even remembered I owned them still, and was surprised to see them. Haven't looked at them in 15 years or more. If I'm not interested, and no one else is interested, why the heck are they here?

calicocat

Pitlanepiglet wrote: »

Calicocat, it might be helpful for you to read some of the earlier posts on this thread from some of us confirmed hoarders.

Hoarding is not just being untidy, it's not just being too lazy to get on and do things, for me it was triggered by the death of my mother when I was a child and the loss of security that followed. I collected 'stuff' as a way of building security. It took me 30 years to realise this and I posted about it around a year ago.

Your posts indicate that you've zipped through your lists in great time; for someone with an unhealthy relationship with 'stuff' this is close to impossible, every item is painful as there is an emotional attachment.

I find the lists posted of things done really stressful, they scare me. I'm much better than I was, I discovered that once I had sorted and dealt with the bulk of the hoarded stuff that I had been moving around with me for 25 years, that I actually have much less of a tendency to hoard now, the physiological triggers have virtually gone and whilst I'm still prone to keeping things 'just in case' I don't have the emotional attachment that I did.

Your friend is clearly having huge problems and it may help you help her if you understand how a hoarders brain works. My sister has no emotional attachment to stuff and spent years saying that she would come and help me, it scared me witless because she just didn't get that this was really painful and that throwing away a 1986 concert ticket stuff was a big deal to me because if the emotions it held - to her it was just old tat.

Sorry that sounds quite condescending, it isn't meant to be.

Back to lurking Happy Christmas

(Sorry for dodgy typing, using my phone to post)

Not condescending at all, everyone has good input to give and a different slant on things or how it feels for them.

I have been on these threads on and off since the first, admittedly not massively so may well have missed a lot of people views.

I used to hoard a lot more than I do now, and one thing that came to light for my personal situation is that a burglary at our home when I was young may have been a trigger. Mix with the fact that I love shopping and 'stuff' culminated in quite a cluttered house.

I too have come to ditch any emotional attachment I have with some stuff...others, it's just been collecting and not emotional, other stuff I have kept (boots,books,clothes being a sticking point, then the this-could-be-useful stuff). My friend on the other hand has emotional reasons for keeping everything bless her, which she knows,. She is like you, lists freak her out. I however found gradually on these threads that it was the only way to make me do sorting, if I posted what I was going to try to do....I had to do it or felt i'd let myself down and others on here for not trying. It worked, not always, but comments on here from others helped me focus and see things differently.

She knows why she hoards and where it stems from as do i, it's how to move it forward that is difficult for her. She now comes to my house and loves it wishing she could do the same bless her, but what worked for me won't for her. I wish she would come on here to see others do it too as she feels very alone with it even though she knows there are others out there, also for her to see it doesn't make her a bad person. She is petrified with family members in the house at the moment due to them maybe sorting anything without her knowing, and sounds very on the edge with it. I'm sure the time of year isn't helping as stress to have things organised is worse , she can't get to her xmas tree and is feeling guilty about that.

We both work in psychiatric care so know signs ,symptoms,reasons, etc, but her situation as with many is so multi -facetted , and I have noticed a shift in things getting worse recently and can't help her.

whitewing

I was lying in bed this morning and my thoughts drifted to the tall cupboard and assorted boxes that hold all my memory album stuff.


I have some time off work now and I love this time of year for reflection and renewal. So I decided that I no longer need all the birthday and Christmas cards that my family ever got sent. Although there is too much in the cupboards that has huge emotional significance and would be harder to sort through, simply pulling out the cards will make the rest easier to look at over the course of the next year. I will keep some special cards, but not everything. The rest will probably get made into gift tags for me or family to use. I will sit at a clear table, and look at the cards individually. I'm quite looking forward to it, because I know it is a job that I will be able to do in chunks (essential with a young DD).


I have wrapped up 5 gifts this morning. These are add ons to Xmas ie not main presents, just things that I am regifting. (I know I talk about Xmas sometimes as though I have unlimited finances, but it isn't that).


I am hoping that we will be able to pull out our xmas presents today from their various hiding places and take them over to the parents. This will mean they'll be ready for Christmas Day with everyone but will free up some space. It will look great under the tree.


I've put some washing in this morning and the dishwasher is on.


I'm not planning on a huge amount of tasks as I think DH will refuse to do anything if he feels the day is all planned out. So I am just going to split my head into 15 minute chunks of things that I can do, and if I get help, then great, and if I don't the place still looks better.