The Sex was amazing??

notanewuser

bitemebankers wrote: »

some twaddle

I am not defensive or closed. I just don't feel the need so spew out information for the sake of it. If he ever suggests going to Greece I'll tell him that I hate it and why.

We live and work together. I don't need to know his every thought. We know how each others' days went because we were there.

I don't understand why you're still trying to shove my perfectly happy square life into your inflexible circular hole.

We don't all have the same views or lifestyles, yet we can be perfectly happy. Can you get your head around that?

lostinrates

VestanPance wrote: »

I've no doubt it's just my personality type. I don't get close with many people. Those I do I'm completely honest with. I bond with very few people, but have very close bonds with those I do.

I also firmly believe in people are their actions, not their words. I don't buy into the past is best left in the past mantra. You learn from history. I've cut people out my life due to their actions.

Does this make you and those you have relationships with happy and unharmed? Ultimately that's what is important.

For us, I can say what we do is working for us on those criteria.

VestanPance

lostinrates wrote: »

Does this make you and those you have relationships with happy and unharmed? Ultimately that's what is important.

For us, I can say what we do is working for us on those criteria.

Yes, with complete honesty can come complete trust and happiness. Anything else is just putting your head in the sand.

bitemebankers

notanewuser wrote: »

I am not defensive or closed. I just don't feel the need so spew out information for the sake of it.

I'm sensing that you can't see the difference between extraneous detail and salient points.

I don't understand why you're still trying to shove my perfectly happy square life into your inflexible circular hole.

I'm not trying to do anything of the sort - quite the opposite in fact. I'm daring you to be different and more open, with the suggestion that it might enrich your life. But you want to aggressively defend your right to hold stuff back and not explore other possibilites. That's puzzling.

VestanPance

lostinrates wrote: »

I feel something between the two extremes here. I believe openness is an important part of our sex life. But I don't believe all things about ex partner's , for example, are any business of my husbands. Particularly where people are still in our lives. Someone I was seeing (casually) when i met dh and dh get on very well now. Neither needs to know how they compare, for example. Someone else who was in my life feels uncomfortable around dh because, they have said, they cannot believe I have not discussed things that occurred between us. Dh knows something happened, when, over what period of time etc, but he doesn't need to know 'personal details'. I have never felt this is keeping anything about me from him, and he has never asked. Likewise I know a few of his friends who I know he slept with. It doesn't occur to me to care what he did with which, just what he did and what he liked and what he wants to do now.

There is honestly and there is unnecessary clutter IMO. One is vital, the other.....at best unnecessary at worst, potentially damaging to relationships.

I don't do and never have done casual sex, so such complications wouldn't be a issue for me with a partner.

bitemebankers

VestanPance wrote: »

Yes, with complete honesty can come complete trust and happiness. Anything else is just putting your head in the sand.

Mmm, I'm not sure that's the case either. It seems to me that you're polarising the debate. Complete trust and openness is a worthy goal, but it is just that, a goal. Something you work towards. I don't think you can write off a relationship because you've not reached that point yet. What would sound alarm bells for me would be a partner that's not interested in working towards it.

notanewuser

bitemebankers wrote: »

I'm sensing that you can't see the difference between extraneous detail and salient points.



I'm not trying to do anything of the sort - quite the opposite in fact. I'm daring you to be different and more open, with the suggestion that it might enrich your life. But you want to aggressively defend your right to hold stuff back and not explore other possibilites. That's puzzling.

That's the thing, I'm not holding stuff back. DH knows how many of the people on my Facebook friends list I've slept with. Does he need to know which ones did what to me? No. If he doesn't feel the need to know (and I'm sure it would have come up at some time in the past 12 years if it were important to him, and I'd have told him) then I'm not going to just blurt it out over his steak and chips, am I?! :rotfl:

lostinrates

bitemebankers wrote: »

Mmm, I'm not sure that's the case either. It seems to me that you're polarising the debate. Complete trust and openness is a worthy goal, but it is just that, a goal. Something you work towards. I don't think you can write off a relationship because you've not reached that point yet. What would sound alarm bells for me would be a partner that's not interested in working towards it.

I feel this exactly. I would be wary of the emotional security of someone whop wanted this from me at an early stage in a relationship....and at what point does that become requisite.

I am glad dh and I are open, but I think that it was 'not pressured' was the thing that makes that possible.

lostinrates

VestanPance wrote: »

I don't do and never have done casual sex, so such complications wouldn't be a issue for me with a partner.

Fine, and as you say, it's your personality type. That doesn't mean it's like that for everybody. I don't have casual sex now, I am neither proud nor ashamed I did, it just was how it was. Why it was that IS an important thing for me to have been open with dh about as my life partner. When he was a new boyfriend it was not important and infact would have sent me to the hills had he pushed for information.

Was that dishonest?

Many people have past relationships without it being 'casual'. I feel the same about my two longer term ex partners. Dh knows about them, but not in the tiny details. Funnily enough I see the two longer term relationship details as more potentially impactful than the casual ones.

Dh had no long term relationships before me....he was adamant that it was 'dishonest' to string women along in a relationship he knew was going no where, but had no problem with honest mutually satisfactory arrangements and casual sex. His approach was honest too, but very different from yours.

There is no 'right' answer to this, though there are a number of 'wrong ones' IMO.

VestanPance

lostinrates wrote: »

FWhen he was a new boyfriend it was not important and infact would have sent me to the hills had he pushed for information.

Was that dishonest?

Yes, I'd say it was.

Although once again I'm happy to admit that is my personality type. I've never been taken with the thought of casual sex or multi-dating, so I'll openly admit I'd be intolerant and incompatible of getting involved with someone who lead that lifestyle.