The Sex was amazing??

VestanPance

notanewuser wrote: »

Whereas I view it that people are a result of their experiences. I trust DH implicitly. He doesn't need to know that previous partners cheated on me, or that I once had a fling with a married man. I'm not going to do that again, and I know he wouldn't cheat.

Sharing that isn't going to improve our relationship. I'm not throwing those shadows onto him.

So it's because you have things you want to hide. I think that is fundamentally unhealthy for any relationship.

A persons past says a lot about who they are in my opinion.

notanewuser

bitemebankers wrote: »

Why so defensive? You wondered why it would sadden me - I explained. Why ask if you're going to get tetchy?

I'm not defensive in the slightest. And I didn't ask.

bitemebankers wrote: »

I'm not talking about the past - I'm talking about who you are now and your concerns about sharing that with your SO.

I don't have concerns. I don't have the need to know or the need to tell DH.

I couldn't tell you every city he's ever visited, or even every country. What would it add to my life to know? We now choose our holiday destinations together.

bitemebankers wrote: »

Good - that's a healthy attitude. In any case, I don't like or dislike it - it's not my relationship. However, it does sadden me when I hear about people whose relationships lack real openness between those involved.

Ooh, just bear with me while I order copies of my educational, medical, and travel records in the interests of complete transparency. Should I have kept my old work diaries so he can see where I was at any date in the past 20 years?

bitemebankers wrote: »

Why ever not? I don't understand why you'd think that.

Because what went before doesn't matter to us. It's not dishonest. It's not hidden. If there's anything he wanted to know, I'd tell him. I just haven't felt the need to litter our life together with tales of the past.

notanewuser

VestanPance wrote: »

So it's because you have things you want to hide. I think that is fundamentally unhealthy for any relationship.

A persons past says a lot about who they are in my opinion.

Let's flip this.

How many times have you seen threads/stories/Jeremy Kyle show episodes where one of the partners wails "I can't trust you because my ex cheated on me"? How fair is that to the new partner? They can't win!

I don't cast those shadows on DH, and as a result I never need distrust him. We have complete trust, which is more important to me than knowing inconsequential things from his past.

lostinrates

bitemebankers wrote: »

Ahh, I see what you mean. And yes, there's certainly the possibility of sex becoming a bit routine and stale with a long term partner, in a way that it never does with more casual relationships. My own experience suggests that this is something that you consciously have to work at - just like many other aspects of a long term relationship - and being really open about what you want is an important element of that.

This is pretty much what I say to my friends.

I think dh and I have pretty much missed a curve ball on this. We get 'enforced excitement' because of our pattern where he works away four nights a week. Plus, because we were youngish when we got together we were unhampered by some of the inhibitions about our bodies we, well, I would have meeting someone now, but we were old and experienced enough (thanks in no small part to some great casual sex and 'un traditional' relationships) to know the importance sex had in our lives.

Tbf, it never feels like work, partly I guess because all the other areas of our relationship are well established and secure!

lostinrates

VestanPance wrote: »

So it's because you have things you want to hide. I think that is fundamentally unhealthy for any relationship.

A persons past says a lot about who they are in my opinion.

Actually, I think the attitude of brutal 'honesty' can also be slightly 'dishonest' in that sometimes the impact of past experience on how much and when some one feels secure to reveal stuff, or frankly admit them to themselves, can in itself be slightly dishonest...something to hide behind. Certainly not in all cases though.

VestanPance

notanewuser wrote: »

Let's flip this.

How many times have you seen threads/stories/Jeremy Kyle show episodes where one of the partners wails "I can't trust you because my ex cheated on me"? How fair is that to the new partner? They can't win!

That has no bearing at all on what we are discussing. That is someone brining their issues into the relationship, not their partners. The only bearing that may have is that person may not want to couple with someone with a history of cheating and surely it is well within their rights to know if that is the case.

bitemebankers

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm not defensive in the slightest. And I didn't ask.

You quoted my posting and said "I don't know why it should sadden you". If you post something like this, expect an explanation.

I don't have concerns.

Why not be open then?

Should I have kept my old work diaries so he can see where I was at any date in the past 20 years?

You could do, but not on account of anything I've said. I said quite clearly in my last post that I'm NOT talking about the past. I'm talking about the person you are NOW. It's interesting just how defensive you are about this point though - responding to to what you imagine that I've written rather than what's actually there on the screen.

bitemebankers

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbf, it never feels like work, partly I guess because all the other areas of our relationship are well established and secure!

Good for you, Lostin. Long may it continue.

VestanPance

lostinrates wrote: »

Actually, I think the attitude of brutal 'honesty' can also be slightly 'dishonest' in that sometimes the impact of past experience on how much and when some one feels secure to reveal stuff, or frankly admit them to themselves, can in itself be slightly dishonest...something to hide behind. Certainly not in all cases though.

I've no doubt it's just my personality type. I don't get close with many people. Those I do I'm completely honest with. I bond with very few people, but have very close bonds with those I do.

I also firmly believe in people are their actions, not their words. I don't buy into the past is best left in the past mantra. You learn from history. I've cut people out my life due to their actions.

lostinrates

notanewuser wrote: »

Let's flip this.

How many times have you seen threads/stories/Jeremy Kyle show episodes where one of the partners wails "I can't trust you because my ex cheated on me"? How fair is that to the new partner? They can't win!

I don't cast those shadows on DH, and as a result I never need distrust him. We have complete trust, which is more important to me than knowing inconsequential things from his past.

I feel something between the two extremes here. I believe openness is an important part of our sex life. But I don't believe all things about ex partner's , for example, are any business of my husbands. Particularly where people are still in our lives. Someone I was seeing (casually) when i met dh and dh get on very well now. Neither needs to know how they compare, for example. Someone else who was in my life feels uncomfortable around dh because, they have said, they cannot believe I have not discussed things that occurred between us. Dh knows something happened, when, over what period of time etc, but he doesn't need to know 'personal details'. I have never felt this is keeping anything about me from him, and he has never asked. Likewise I know a few of his friends who I know he slept with. It doesn't occur to me to care what he did with which, just what he did and what he liked and what he wants to do now.

There is honestly and there is unnecessary clutter IMO. One is vital, the other.....at best unnecessary at worst, potentially damaging to relationships.